The unwritten rules of waiting 6 months to retaliate with a baseball to the butt

The Kansas City Royals and New York Mets were scheduled to open the 2016 season long before they even made the postseason. That’s the best part. There had to be one interleague series because of the odd number of teams in each league, but it could have been any of them. There was a .044 percent chance that it would be Royals/Mets. We are so blessed.

It wouldn’t have been a big deal in other years. If the Texas Rangers and St. Louis Cardinals opened the 2012 season, it would have been a curiosity. Same with San Francisco Giants/Detroit Tigers in 2013, Cardinals/Boston Red Sox in 2014 and Giants/Royals last year. Those would have been fun Opening Days with a quirky twist, but little more.

The Royals and Mets have unfinished business, though.

It’s one thing to throw a brushback pitch to make a hitter uncomfortable. Don Drysdale and Bob Gibson made careers out of it, and they probably each had a tear in their eye watching Game 3 last year. But it’s another thing to announce that you’re going to throw a brushback pitch.

It’s something else being able to watch Escobar walk up there and swing at the first pitch almost every single game,” (Noah Syndergaard) said Thursday. “I have a few tricks up my sleeve that I’ll be able to break out tomorrow night. I’m looking forward to it.”

Uh, Noah, buddy. Might as well go all the way.

“Maybe there’s a way to get Escobar to back off the plate. You know. Like if he were ducking. From a baseball. Thrown at 98 mph. I don’t know, maybe above his head.”

/winks at reporter

/nudges reporter

“That would make him uncomfortable. In *theory*.”

/winks at reporter

/nudges reporter

In retrospect, that was the real unwritten rule that was broken. Pitching inside to make hitters uncomfortable is about as controversial as setting a screen in basketball. Just happens. Has always happened. Will always happen. But there are three things you can’t do:

Really, I thought there were just two things you can’t do, and then Game 3 happened. The Royals weren’t pleased then, and they still aren’t pleased now.

Sources: Royals seek payback for Noah Syndergaard pitch in World Series

Even if Syndergaard were scheduled to pitch, the cruel irony is that the game is in Kansas City, where he could have hid behind the DH. I mean, there are other options ...

... but they’re less than optimal. That means that some poor sap on the Mets would take a baseball to the butt because six months ago, his teammate talked about doing something that isn’t out of the ordinary and then actually did it.

Savor that last sentence a few times. A baseball to the butt because his teammate did something everyone expected him to do, but made the mistake of announcing it first. Baseball is baaaaaaaaack!

It’s not just Syndergaard v. Kansas City, though. Before the Mets won the pennant, they were sentimental favorites because tanned gargoyle Chase Utley broke a Mets player. And everyone knew what was coming once he stepped back in that box, boy oh boy, everyone knew what was coming. Except he didn’t play again for the rest of the series. It probably wasn’t a coincidence. That means there’s some comeuppance a-comin’ when the Mets play the Los Angeles Dodgers in May. You’ll know they want to avenge their fallen comrade. Who isn’t their comrade anymore because he was released. Because of the broken leg, at least in part.

Man, this stuff gets complicated.

Unfortunately, there isn’t a lot of precedent. When Matt Holliday crumpled Marco Scutaro in the 2012 NLCS, the Giants got the chance to hit him on the butt in Game 7, when they were leading 7-0. They haven’t hit him with a pitch since. Everything was settled. Except for Scutaro, who had to retire. Because of the crumpling, at least in part.

Man, this stuff gets complicated.

So we have to judge just how legitimate these beefs still are a half-year later. In one scenario, we have to determine if an uninvolved teammate deserves to get a buttball because of something his teammate said. In the other scenario, we have to determine if the culpable party deserves to get a buttball to avenge a teammate who is no longer a teammate.

The unwritten courts hereby declare that it would be completely silly to hit a random Mets player with a pitch because of what Syndergaard said in October. For one, the Royals did something even better than a buttball: They won the freaking World Series. They sprayed champagne all over the place while Syndergaard wondered if there was something he could have done differently. That is so, so, so much better than a buttball.

However! There is an addendum. In June, the Royals are playing a series in New York. It’s a two-game series, so the odds are against Syndergaard pitching, but if he were to pitch, it would not be against the rules to wing a ball 20 feet behind his back. Not five feet. Make the on-deck hitter worry more than Syndergaard. Still, it would send a message. We see you. We didn’t like that thing you did back there.

Hitting him with a buttball is right out, though. First, because he didn’t actually hit Escobar; and second, because pitchers are walking clouds of potential calamity with faberge elbows, and you don’t need to screw up that precarious balance by accidentally missing the butt.

Yeah, hit him. If we’re agreeing that buttballs have their place at all -- and I’m not so sure about that, as a keyboard jockey -- there’s no clearer spot to use one. Utley’s slide might not have been illegal, but it certainly did show a disregard of the potential consequences. Also, we all know that Ruben Tejada would have hit four homers in the World Series. A baseball to the body is probably the least the Mets can do.

Tejada being on the Cardinals is worth noting, but it’s more of a technicality. Utley did something bad to the Mets on a national stage, and there’s no statute of limitations on it. Warm up the buttball.

Note that my Google autocorrect doesn’t flag buttball, even though I didn’t manually add it to my dictionary. Here’s one that’s intentionally misspelled so you can see what I mean:

That’s because it’s a justified response and not a completely made-up word.

The Royals should let it go unless there’s a chance to be wink-wink funny about it in June. The Mets should do what they have to do if they see Utley again. It’s been six months since we cared about this stuff. It’s good to have it back.