Finding the perfect Christmas gifts for NASCAR stars

Though the concept of Santa Claus is a bit odd -- an old man randomly drops into houses via chimneys, leaves presents behind while taking cookies that have been left out for him by strange people -- as the saying goes, “‘Tis the season to be jolly.”

In an attempt to get into the holiday spirit, let’s handout some presents to NASCAR’s most popular drivers. Cast in Santa’s suit is SB Nation motorsports reporter Jordan Bianchi, and, as a special holiday treat, the ever popular and always entertaining The Orange Cone is playing the role of Santa’s crew chief to assist with the gift distribution.

Bianchi: As evident by Matt Kenseth reenacting something akin to what one would see in the WWE and later Jeff Gordon grabbing him by the throat, is anyone more in need of a bodyguard than Keselowski?

Cone: What do you get the guy who already has a lifetime supply of beer? You got it: a huge walk-in cooler.

Bianchi: With a beer company and a fast-food sub shop as his primary sponsors, a gym membership seems like a good idea.

Cone: Another walk-in cooler. They are popular this year.

Bianchi: Dental floss?

Cone: A huge tube of toothpaste to go with that cool huge toothbrush he got for winning at Atlanta.

Bianchi: A pole-position so that when the 2016 Sprint Unlimited rolls around there is no appearance of NASCAR changing its rules just to get Patrick into the field of the exhibition race.

Cone: A top-10 finish on a non-plate track, along with a sense of humor for her most fervent -- and humorless -- fans.

Bianchi: Strength to put the tumultuous events of the last year behind him.

Cone: A quiet, peaceful, drama-free 12 months, something Stewart hasn’t experience in the past couple of years.

Bianchi: A bag of apples because all those M&M’s cannot be good for one’s teeth.

Cone: A free photo session with Samantha at John Casablancas Studios, because they can make anyone a model.

Bianchi: Name tags to better help learn the names of his new crewmembers at Joe Gibbs Racing.

Cone: Now that Carl is sponsored by people who make Internet hardware, he should give us a gift and join Twitter

Bianchi: Dealing with overt anger issues, yoga would help Kenseth find center and peace. Namaste.

Cone: A black ninja outfit so people won’t see him sneaking up on them between the haulers.

Bianchi: Having recently tied the knot, this present is for both Mr. and Mrs. Logano: His and her firesuits.

Cone: A coupon for one free good pit stop, to be used whenever he would like.

Bianchi: The driver once known as “Wonder Boy” is now among the elder statesmen in the garage and much to his chagrin, is frequently reminded that he’s now on the other side of 40. So a gift basket with Just For Men, Rogaine and a pair of sandals and black socks would be appropriate.

Cone: Jeff is one of the few people sticking with bright white tennis shoes, so I asked Santa for lots of white shoe polish.

Bianchi: A dark sweater to help offset the dayglow paint scheme.

Cone: I got him a Lowe’s gift card. Wonder if he’ll like it?

Bianchi: Coming off a year where he and crew chief Chad Knaus bickered like an old married couple, some couples counseling is a must.

Cone: Clearly the low fuel light is broken in Jimmie’s personal vehicle, so I schedule him an appointment at his local Chevrolet service center to have that taken care of.

Bianchi: More beer, simply because Earnhardt’s late-night, alcohol-fueled Twitter chats are always lively and entertaining.

Cone: Now that he’s a Twitter pro, he needs an extra 5 GB of data each month on his Verizon cell phone.