In this series, we’re simulating all eight of the first-round NBA Playoffs series... using the worst 1990s basketball video games we can find.
NBA Playoffs 2011: Simulating Bulls Vs. Pacers, With The Help Of Horrible 1990s Video Game ‘Rap Jam’
Bulls vs. Pacers
Simulation software used: Rap Jam - Volume One (Super Nintendo, 1995)
Years ago, an associate of mine wrote a delightful piece on Rap Jam, which, to my knowledge, is the only video game that allows you to slam dunk with every member of notable Queens-based rap group Onyx. In this game, you build a roster from a thoroughly nonthreatening stable of 1990s hip-hop artists, such as LL Cool J, Coolio, Flavor Flav, and Everlast.
Never play this game because it is horrible.
I tried to mimic the teams after the Bulls and Pacers as closely as this particular simulation would allow me to, ultimately deciding to pit Warren G (Derrick Rose), Queen Latifah (Joakim Noah), and Chuck D (Carlos Boozer) against Sticky Fingaz (Darren Collison), Everlast (Tyler Hansbrough), and Coolio (Danny Granger).
Simulated result: Pacers win, 26-14. Hansbrough simply dominated the offensive glass, and poor shot selection on the part of Rose sealed the Bulls’ fate, resulting in a shocking upset.
(Due to technological limitations, sound is not available on this video. We apologize. If you want the full audio experience, just bounce a basketball and yell, “YEAH!” every five seconds while watching this.)
Keys to the game:
- Both teams’ abilities to jump as though they are on the Moon will really put the focus of this game on the rebounding battle.
- The game’s tempo will probably be set at an average pace, given that everyone is exactly as fast as everyone else.
- Also, all players on the Pacers and Bulls look exactly the same and have identical abilities.
- If Derrick Rose wants the “MVP” chants to continue, he’s going to need to avoid accidentally shooting the ball from the opposite baseline.
- The Pacers need to capitalize on the Bulls’ tendency to just run around like a bunch of freaking morons who gyrate in the general direction of a loose ball and take like five seconds to pick it up because they have zero depth perception.
This season, the Pacers have been plagued by an inability to ensure that their Jams are Def 100 percent of the time, settling instead for Jam-Defness percentages between 80 and 90. They need to make sure that all their Jams are Def. Check that -- they need to make sure that all of their Jams are Def.
For simulations of the rest of the NBA Playoffs’ first-round match-ups, check out the rest of this StoryStream. And for actual, intelligent analysis of these teams, check out our Bulls blog, Blog a Bull, and our Pacers blog, Indy Cornrows.
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