In this series, we’re simulating all eight of the first-round NBA Playoffs series... using the worst 1990s basketball video games we can find.
NBA Playoffs 2011: Simulating Magic Vs. Hawks, With The Help Of Horrible 1990s Video Game ‘Jammit’
Magic Vs. Hawks
Simulation software used: Jammit (Sega Genesis, 1994)
To preview the upcoming Hawks-Magic series, we move from Rap Jam to Jammit, because every basketball video game in the 1990s had to have “Jam” somewhere in the title. In fact, until 1997, slam dunking was the only permissible means of scoring in the NBA. One time Michael Jordan shot a mid-range jumper. They kicked him out of the league for a year and a half!
Anyway, Jammit is an unbearably awful one-on-one basketball game. There are three playable characters. Here are two of them:
Roxy is the Hawks because she’s wearing red. Slade is the Magic because he’s wearing blue. I pitted them against one another and recorded the result:
Simulated result: Magic 21, Hawks 19. A close game throughout, with a questionable no-call on the game’s final possession.
Keys to the game:
- The Hawks might be able to get the Magic off their game by dealing taunts such as, “hey!” Similarly, the Magic could gain an edge by responding to stimuli with “what?” or “come on!”
- As you can see at the 45-second mark of that video, Dwight Howard thinks “slam dunk” means “jump as high as you can and then just fling the ball over your head and directly at the backboard.” The Hawks should go ahead and let him keep trying this because it doesn’t work very well.
- The Magic have gained noteriety around the league for doing what you see them doing at the 1-minute mark of the video: sending their opponent to the line and then flailing around and making bird noises. The Hawks will need to focus at the free throw line, no matter how many times Gilbert Arenas says, “GWAAAGH!” at them.
- These are two hard-nosed teams. These players won’t hesitate to blatantly shove you to the ground with both palms and then make sex noises (the player who is knocked down also makes sex noises).
For simulations of the rest of the NBA Playoffs’ first-round match-ups, stay tuned to this StoryStream. And for actual, intelligent analysis of these teams, check out our Magic blog, Orlando Pinstriped Post, and our Hawks blog, Peachtree Hoops.
See More:
