Is it heavy, the burden of a city’s hope? Does it weigh more than its anger and thirst for vengeance? Are you powered by your own quest for retribution, or do you also feed off the collective bitterness of a jilted fan base?
47 questions I’d like to ask Russell Westbrook about Kevin Durant
I could never ask these questions because he’d destroy me.
May I hug you?
Do you regret the “cupcake” thing? Was it perhaps unwise for your organization and fans to take a sly Instagram post and blow it up into a taunt and a T-shirt? What is it like to get annihilated by cupcakes? Does that make the Thunder diabetes?
Have you ever had a romantic relationship end in world-shattering heartbreak? Did it hurt as much as Kevin Durant leaving in free agency for the team that eliminated you from the playoffs? Can you confirm that you’re only angry at him because you loved him so deeply? Are these incessant questions about him part of the reason you can’t heal?
Remember when Durant missed all that playing time in the spring of 2015? Do you think your molten-hot brilliance planted a seed in his mind that you would be better off without him? Would you change anything about your performance then if it meant he’d be with you now? Or are you a basketball terminator who can only ruthlessly destroy opponents?
Was he a restrictor plate to your game, beneficial to the team but preventing you from blazing around the track, engine on fire, the flames consuming you, emerging totally anew but unmistakably yourself, a phoenix born from ashes, astonishing spectators at your brightened and heightened power and fury?
Sorry: Are you better without him?
How much longer do you think Durant will deny the climate change on his head? Did you ever tell him about the hairmelt near his North Pole? He just needs to embrace baldness, right? Just Jordan that shit? MJ didn’t win six titles until he shaved his head, right? Do you think Durant and the Warriors can win six titles? Or did he waste too many years of his prime in Oklahoma City?
If you could punch any Warrior without repercussion, how many times would you punch Draymond Green?
Do you hate that the Warriors take corny photos? Why do they do that? How can corny guys be so good at hoops? Why does KD fit in with those awesome corny dudes so well? Should you have been cornier? COULD you have been cornier?
Imagine your life as a basketball star, except you live in California instead of Oklahoma. How much better is that, in magnitudes of 10?
What does it feel like to be completely unstoppable as a player but still get annihilated by a perfectly assembled team filled with All-Stars and led by a brilliant and inspiring coach? Don’t you want to see what it’s like to play with them, just for a couple of minutes? Even if it’s to take over the game and leave them standing on the wings as you drive to the hole 1-on-5? Wouldn’t that be satisfying at a certain level?
Is part of your hurt and anger that Durant seems to be better without you? That he’s more effective and efficient while also getting more rest? That he’s...happier? Does your singular genius without him ever make you think that you’d be better off if you’d pursued an individual sport? That you could regularly ruin Andy Murray’s Scottish face in tennis? That the boxing world would kneel at your power and fury? May I give you this pamphlet on short-track speedskating?
What the hell else could Durant ever be good at than basketball?
NOW can I have that hug?
I can’t help but notice that all of these questions have been answered with a response about Fashion Week. So: What clothing line is best suited to a 7-foot man who insists he’s only 6-foot-9?
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