NBA Celebrity Game 2018 roster breakdown: The good, the bad, and the people we had to look up on Google

The NBA Celebrity Game is an annual rite of All-Star Weekend, something to occupy time while you wait for dunks. With Los Angeles hosting, the celebrity teams are, fittingly, Team Clippers and Team Lakers. Here is SB Nation’s official roster breakdown:

COACH: Rachel Nichols of ESPN. Can we get a Kickstarter going to get rid of one of those underscores in her Twitter handle? It’s like those people who use two spaces after a sentence. MODERN TYPOGRAPHY HAS CORRECTED THE IMPERFECTIONS OF TYPEWRITERS.

Nichols will be joined on the sideline by Hall of Famer Tracy McGrady and ... MICHAEL JORDAN?!!?!? Haha, no, it’s actor Michael B. Jordan, and I am the first person to make this joke. He’s one of the best actors alive, he deserved more critical acclaim for Creed and Fruitvale Station, and you probably already have tickets to see him in Black Panther. Nobody tell him that he’s too famous to be doing this.

Sterling Brim — NBA.com says he is a part of MTV’s Ridiculousness. Of all the people on this list I hadn’t heard of, Sterling is the only one I have chosen not to Google.

Nick Cannon — Ugh.

Terence Crawford — An incredible boxer, and therefore the least famous person in this game.

Rachel DeMita — Listed as “NBA2KTV host, actress, model.” She also played high school basketball, and was talented enough to get a scholarship to Old Dominion, according to this YouTube video that explains why she quit playing. I’d sum it up for you, but I didn’t watch all of it because it’s 10 minutes long.

Jerry Ferrara — Looks like I’ll be rooting for Team Clippers.

Marc Lasry — Co-owner of the Milwaukee Bucks. Finally, a billionaire gets a chance to enter the spotlight.

Caleb McLaughlin — Best known for his role on Stranger Things as Lucas, aka “the one kid who DOESN’T have terrible hair.”

Candace Parker — Probably the most likable player on any pro basketball team in Los Angeles.

Nate Robinson — In the category of “entertaining shoot-only players from the Seattle area,” Robinson is second only to Jamal Crawford.

Drew Scott — One of the Property Brothers on HGTV. He loves it when people call him Drew Property.

Kris Wu — More like Kris WHO?? (Googles name) Ah, apparently he’s super famous. Please note that I am a parent of young children, and thus experience almost nothing new in any capacity.

COACH: Katie Nolan. Not to besmirch the level of basketball played in the celebrity game, but the coach’s primary role is to provide quips for the TV audience. As such, this is a perfect use of Nolan’s talent — or at least a more sensible one than FOX employed with her, which was approximately, “Let’s see how much dust a contracted employee can collect.”

Nolan will be joined on the sideline by double-phone user Paul Pierce and Common, who apparently isn’t on TV enough despite his Microsoft technology commercial airing every four seconds. “So here’s the question ... What will you do with it?” I dunno, Common, probably die in a hail of gunfire like everyone else in America.

Anthony Anderson — Anderson stars in Black-ish on ABC. My college roommate had a scene with him in The Departed and said Anderson was the nicest guy on set. Well, him and Martin Sheen. But Sheen can’t rebound for shit.

Brandon Armstrong — Noted impersonator of NBA stars.

Miles Brown — Stars in Black-ish with Anderson. To my knowledge, has never worked with my college roommate.

Win Butler — Lead singer of Arcade Fire; tall Canadian; hoops enthusiast. The Jeff Ament of celebrity basketball in the 2010s. (CORRECTION: He is an American who moved to Montreal in 2000 and fronts a Canadian band.)

Andre De Grasse — Olympic sprinter; NOT the tennis player; NOT the show Drake was on.

Stefanie Dolson — The saving grace of any celebrity game is a WNBA star clowning some idiot actor. Stefanie, if you’re reading this, I will Venmo you $20 if you dunk on Jerry Ferrara.

Jamie Foxx — Major League Baseball Hall of Famer, and the second player in MLB history to hit 500 home runs, after only Babe Ruth.

Dascha Polanco — I’m writing a lot of these entries after a cursory Google search. For Dascha, my reaction was “Oh! I liked her on Orange is the New Black.” NOTE: I only watched the first season and, like, two episodes of season two.

Bubba Watson — Two-time Masters champion; the first Bubba in history to be televised playing basketball.

Jason Williams — NBA.com lists Williams as “NBA legend.” Look, I always loved watching Williams play, but we don’t need to oversell anyone here. No one’s calling Drew Scott a “Property legend,” even though that would be more accurate.