Ohio State To Hire Detectives To Be Beaten Up By Football Players

It is a terrible sign for your personal situation in any sense if you require the services of a private investigator. This is true no matter what situation we are talking about, because hiring a PI means you are in trouble, especially if you are a beautiful but doomed woman with a haunted past and gams that won’t quit. Dames like that need detectives like kangaroos need purses, kid.*

If Gene Smith truly wants to hire private detectives to monitor athletes and potential NCAA rules violations at Ohio State, he wants a few things to happen.

He wants--as Bomani Jones pointed out on his show this morning--a private detective to be beaten up by a football player when he notices someone following him. Gene Smith clearly wants that detective beaten quite badly, because football players are angry, strong men. He wants to openly admit he cannot control the culture of side benefits surrounding the Ohio State football program. He wants to have an excuse to buy one of those night-vision cameras, because seriously Gene Smith’s been looking for like any excuse to buy one, and “Honey, it’s for work!”

He also clearly wants to be fired, because if you have the audacity to say in public that you’re considering investigating those who are in essence your own employees, then you are either insane or intelligently begging to be relieved of your duties. We suspect the latter, but do not rule out the former.

*This sentence brought to you by the Noir Appreciation Society. The Noir Appreciation Society: fiending for punchy metaphors and heartbroken gumshoe protagonists since 1927.