Introducing The Wonderful World Of ‘Pac-12 Speak’

If you’re going to be watching Pac-12 football this season, I’m going to tell you right now that you can expect to be confused. You see, the Pac-12 does things a little bit different than the rest of the country. They speak a little differently. I’m not even sure the “cultural phenomenon” known as the Pac-12 call the game “football” anymore. Based on that sizzle reel, I have a feeling they might now refer to it as “a brute conglomeration of pain, acrimony and fantastical worldviews.”

That doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but then again neither does anything else they say in there. For instance...

The Pac-10/Pac-12 hasn’t “been around for a while,” it’s a “relentless narrative crystallized through the ages.”

Colorado is not a football program that has 19 wins in the last five years, they’re a “progressive powerhouse.”

The Pac-12 isn’t that football conference that plays all their games around midnight, their style of play is to the tune of “rhythmic drum beats of differentiation.”

The Pac-12 isn’t that conference we always forget about when our mom asks us to explain the BCS to her. They’re “a story that inspires us over and over.”

Utah is not just a very good football program that’s undeniably fattened itself on lesser competition, it’s a “panoramic heartbeat of this nation’s 45th state. Undeniably prolific.”

The Pac-12 does not have quarterbacks, it has “a profession of field marshalls.”

The Pac-12 does not have running backs, it has “raw, unnerving talent, inexplicably blends of agility and electricity.” RUTIBAE for short.

The Pac-12 does not have defenses, it has “shutdown systems that command a belligerent antithesis unlike anything we’ve seen before.” SSCBAUAWSB for short.

The Pac-12’s new divisional breakdown is actually an “avant-garde redesign of the competitive balance.”

Welcome to Pac-12 football, it’s wordy!