The New Miami Hurricanes Scandal: What’s A Perfect 10?

The University of Miami is bracing for an investigative report coming out of Yahoo! Sports that will supposedly level some pretty serious allegations. As one writer tweeted, “Miami source on severity of what’s going to hit the fan at UM. ‘Between a 1 & 10, it’s a 10.’”

The allegations are said to center on the Miami football team from 2001-2010. But the question is, at this point, after all the college football scandals we’ve seen over the past 12 months, what could possibly blow our minds like that? What qualifies as a perfect 10?

Jon Bois and I have a few ideas.

** Miami spent the last ten years using football as a cover to a massive drug operation bankrolled by the men behind Cocaine Cowboys and/or Ray Lewis. They called themselves the “Coker Cowboys.”

** Miami told a recruit to kill a guy.

** Rick Ross was eating defensive backs and administrators knew about it, said nothing.

** From 2001-2010, every time a Hurricanes recruit visited the Orange Bowl locker room, they were greeted by a fully nude Bernie Kosar, completely unsahven, half-drunk and in a three-point stance, demanding that they step forward and “join the team.” (Note: current NCAA rules don’t specifically prohibit this, but if that doesn’t fall under the umbrella of “improper contact”, what does?)

** Miami PAID a recruit to kill a guy.

** Miami is engaged in a cat-punching scandal.

** The Orange Bowl doubled as the base of operations for Randy Shannon’s human trafficking organization. There’s a reason he spent almost 20 years coaching in the city of Miami.

** Miami’s boosters sought out people who still had prepaid calling plans and texted them “lol” over and over until their accounts ran out.

** “Dexter Morgan” the sociopath serial killer of Showtime’s Dexter, was based on Dan Morgan, the sociopath linebacker who spent the past ten years leading Hurricanes (past and present) on a crusade of vigilante justice. Has anyone seen Tad Foote lately? Thought so.

** Any “perfect 10” report had better mention the 7th Floor Crew, if only to answer some important questions. Is “a seven-man train” an NCAA violation? And what does “mudded” mean?

** We find out that brawl with Florida International was connected to an elaborate point shaving bankrolled by Lamar Thomas, Melvin Bratton, and Alonzo Highsmith. Same with the brawl on Bourbon St.

** Miami is pregnant!

** Miami forgot to buy a football for the upcoming football season and is too embarrassed to tell anybody.

Bottom line: At this point, anything less than human trafficking—or pregnant universities, serial killer linebackers, contract murders, ass naked Bernie Kosar, large scale drug dealing, Rick Ross-as-cannibal, organized text message harassment, rampant point shaving, or cat punching—will be kind of a letdown. Give it your best shot, Yahoo!