SitRep, Week 1: Saturday Aftermath From The College Football Theater

Battlefield Conditions: Deplorable. Michigan Wolverines and Western Michigan Broncos: mission aborted due to weather. Notre Dame and USF: took well over five and a half hours to complete their patrol due to same. USF maintained unit integrity; Notre Dame became lost, replaced squad leaders. Situation became dire. Officer Kelly’s methods became unstable. May require psychological eval upon return to base.

Logistical Issues: Ole Miss: lost cargo in transport. Helpfully returned to endzone by Mormon missionaries in area for safe keeping. Lost: two war dogs on loose for Florida by callsigns “Demps” and “Rainey.” Believed to be rabid, dangerous, and responsible for multiple casualties inflicted on Florida Atlantic. (184 yards rushing, three rushing TDs, 85 yards receiving and a TD, and a blocked punt returned for a TD.) Texas State: up 10-9 at the half over Texas Tech, died when a crane dropped an armored personnel carrier on them in a 50-10 loss.

Casualties

Wounded: Auburn: survived but with deep wounds and concerns about severe structural damage. USC: taken to the final minute of the game by a Minnesota team with half the ammo and twice the fight. Washington: took twice the casualties in yardage allowed (504/250) in a 30-27 skirmish with Eastern Washington. UCLA: lost QB Kevin Prince to a mysterious injury and lost to Houston 38-34. Kansas State: in need of firearms practice after a 10-7 win over Eastern Kentucky.

Dead: Georgia: multiple paper cuts, several large gunshot wounds, and some curious hoof marks. Witnesses too aghast to give details.

Oregon: suicide by leg whip. Carcass devoured by tigers.

Missing in Action: Oregon State and Duke. (Last seen playing Sacramento State and Richmond, respectively. Presumed lost.)

Battlefield Promotions: South Carolina Gamecocks Unit Commander Stephen Garcia: reinstated as an officer after demotion to enlisted man. Lt. Commander Connor Shaw: deemed ineffective and relieved of his duties. Commander Garcia went on to lead his unit to a 56-37 comeback win against local pirates. Kellen Moore, Boise State QB: promoted to Supreme Commander with four stars in 35-21 win over Georgia.

Issues With Exploding Ordnance: Oregon suffered severe damage from four lost fumbles that detonated unexpectedly in Dallas.

Weapons of Mass Destruction: Washington State appears to have acquired them, defeating Idaho State 64-21. Known WMD holders Stanford earned 57-3 triumph over helpless neighbors San Jose State. Arkansas conducted tests against Missouri State, and results were 51-7 in favor of the Razorbacks. Reports from intel in Cincinnati indicate that the dictator Butch Jones may have acquired WMDs, as a 72-10 exercise may have vaporized Austin Peay. UCF being investigated for crimes against humanity for 62-0 against Charleston Southern.

Objectives taken: Penn State, Alabama, Florida, Florida State, Ohio State, Texas, and Oklahoma all successfully took high ground with overwhelming force and no casualties.