College Football Scores, Week 1: Upsets, Hilarity Dot Saturday Landscape

We made no bones about our distaste for the opening night schedule of college football games. With blowouts and cupcakes abound, it was just no fun. But since that first night of action, college football has built to a crescendo, beginning with a Baylor and TCU game full of ham and ending with a Saturday game of slates with all of the schadenfreude. This is what college football is all about.

Thunderstorms hit the Midwest and terrible football seeped into South Bend. This should not come as a surprise; we go through this every year. Notre Dame’s return to glory is boasted during the offense, and inevitably the Fighting Irish faceplant. Christmas came early this year and Skip Holtz played the role of Santa. The irony here is almost too much.

Congratulations to Auburn for needing two late touchdowns with an onside kick in between to beat Utah State. Judging by the fans reaction, this win was as big as the BCS championship. War damn feeble.

In the other matchup of the night, Boise State waltzed into the Georgia Dome and high-stepped back out with a 35-21 win. This is all setting up the inevitable loss to Nevada, isn’t it?

But none of these games approached the level of hilarity provided by the Oregon State Beavers. A loss to Sacramento State? Way to represent for the Pac-12, boys.

And now, the rest of the story.

Northwestern 24, Boston College 17. This game was as bad as it sounds.

Missouri 17, Miami (OH) 6. Mizzou-Kentucky is going to be a hell of an SEC matchup next year.

Ohio State 42, Akron 0. The Luke Fickell era begins and LeBron James weeps silently somewhere.

Penn State 41, Indiana State 7. The Nitany Lions housed the opening kickoff and that was about as exciting as it got.

Iowa 34, Tennessee Tech 7. Played in the middle of the apocalypse.

[Redacted] 27, Middle Tennessee State 24. You’ll get your name back when you can convincingly beat an inferior opponent. Just kidding, you’ll never get it back.

Alabama 48, Kent State 7. /glares at Auburn

Virginia Tech 66, Appalachian State 13. After last year, and a certain win at the Big House years ago, this seemed like a trap. Not so!

USC 19, Minnesota 17. Good thing Lane Kiffin went for two so much.

Florida State 34, Louisiana-Monroe 0. Just now realizing there are eleventy billion Louisiana schools.

Michigan 34, Western Michigan 10. If this game hadn’t been called due to rain, Western Michigan totally would’ve had it.

North Carolina 42, James Madison 10. This will be vacated for some reason of another in a few years. Congrats in advance, JMU.

Nebraska 40, Chattanooga 7. Bo Pellini sacrificed a freshman to remind his team what happens when you let Chattanooga score.

Clemson 43, Troy 19. Troy was winning at halftime before the Tiger shared some of his special sauce with Clemson.

Houston 38, UCLA 34. Gonna be real sad when Rick Neuheisel is fired. Maybe he can enter pick-em contest for money and speed this process up.

BYU 14, Ole Miss 13. This one was for all of the running backs.

Washington State 64, Idaho State 21. I point this out for two reasons: I am a Washington State alum and the Cougars scored the third-most points this week. Locust, raining frogs, and all that fun stuff.

Tennessee 42, Montana 16. Derek Dooley’s hair: flawless as always.

Arkansas 51, Missouri State 7. Whew. I think this win will get Houston Nutt off the hot seat at Arkansas.

California 36, Fresno State 21. One of the better wins in the Pac-12 this week.

Florida 41, Florida Atlantic 3. The installation of the Weis offense, with a side of Boom, was a complete success.

Iowa State 20, Northern Iowa 19. When Iowa State is left out of the realignment extravaganza, you’ll know why.

Richmond 23, Duke 21. Cinderella is still dancing some five months later.

Oklahoma State 61, Louisiana-Lafayette 34. One of the better Pac-16 wins of the day. Welcome, Cowboys!

Ball State 27, Indiana 20. What in the world is this I don’t even know.

Cincinnati 72, Let’s Go Peay 10. Just wanted to use Let’s Go Peay, that’s all.

Kansas State 10, Eastern Kentucky 7. When Kansas State is left out of the realignment extravaganza, you’ll know why.

Texas Tech 50, Texas State 10. This game was 10-9 in favor of Texas State at the half. Just let that sink in.

Oklahoma 47, Tulsa 14. Worked through the distractions of conference expansion to maintain a stranglehold on the No. 1 spot.

Texas 34, Rice 9. If a game is played on the Longhorn Network and nobody can see it, did it really happen?

UTEP 31, Stony Brook 24 OT. I’m disgusted by you, UTEP.

For a look back at the day that was, head over to our College Football Saturday StoryStream.