NFL Buffet, Week 6: Previewing All The Games Fit For Consumption

Well if it works for college football, it’d obviously work in the pros, right?

I mean, except for the overtime rules, the option, Eric Crouch, live animals as mascots, widespread corruption, Steve Spurrier, and the best pregame show in sports... Other than those things, it’s basically the same game, right?

Maybe not. But either way, we’re borrowing Sean Keeley’s popular college football model to preview this week’s NFL games, because you need an NFL Preview you can’t count on, and I need an outlet to make jokes about Brett Favre’s penis, or how the journalist that was allegedly sexually harassed by the New York Jets is moving on to an intimate sitdown with Ben Roethlisberger, alleged sex offender.

But don’t worry, we’ll make this experience as painless as possible. And hey, Bills fans!

You guys don’t have to watch your team this week, because they’re on a bye. That’s a win for everyone. Anyway, let’s get this started. We’ll run down the games in reverse order.

Blogs: Field Gulls and Windy City Gridiron

Line: Chicago by 6.5

Announcers (Fox): Chris Meyers, Brian Billick

Deciding Factor: Will this be the game where Jay Cutler reverts to form and completely sabotages any hope of victory?

Analysis: While it’s always irresistible to root against Jay Cutler, it’s just as impossible to watch an entire Seahawks game. And it’s October now, so it’s inevitable that Chicago will be a mess of wind and uncomfortably frigid air. Only ecstasy could make this game exciting--sadly, Jay Cutler’s GHB just won’t do the trick this time.

Blogs: Bolts From The Blue and Turf Show Times

Line: Chargers by 8.5

Announcers (CBS): Don Criqui, Steve Beurulein

Deciding Factor: St. Louis is terrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrible.

Analysis: In my NFL gambling column this week, I picked the Chargers here. And I bet on every game I pick, which means I actually have an interest here. But if you offered me the choice between watching this entire game and losing my bet, I’d sacrifice the cash.

Blogs: Silver and Black Pride and Niners Nation

Line: 49ers by 7

Announcers (CBS): Bill Macatee, Rich Gannon

Deciding Factor: A chess match between Tom Cable and Mike Singletary. Not because that’s actually a deciding factor, but because that’d be the funniest chess match of all time.

Hard-Hitting Analysis: Do I really have to say something about every game? I wouldn’t watch this game if I was in prison. Then again, if I were in prison, I wouldn’t have a choice. It’s all Raiders fans in there.

Cleveland at Pittsburgh

Line: Pittsburgh by 13

Blogs: Dawgs By Nature and Behind the Steel Curtain

Announcers (CBS): Kevin Harlan, Solomon Wilcotts

Deciding Factor: It’s a battle between rape jokes and Cleveland jokes...

Hard-Hitting Analysis: This could probably rank higher in terms of entertainment value, but in the end, it’s the Steelers and Browns. It’s going to be an ugly game, Big Ben’s probably going to be rusty, and the Browns are going to lose. We know these things.

Line: Green Bay by 4

Blogs: The Phinsider and Acme Packing Company

Announcers (CBS): Ian Eagle and Dan Fouts

Deciding Factor: How good are the Dolphins?

Hard-Hitting Analysis: Seriously, this could be a great game if the Dolphins are better than we realize. And they might be. They fell apart against New England, sure, but if this were the NHL playoffs, we’d call Miami a “tough out.” They may lose nine games this year, but they’ll scare a lot of teams. So... Well, okay. There’s a good chance they’ll get killed on Sunday. Let’s be honest.

Blogs: Gang Green Nation and Mile High Report

Line: Jets by 3

Announcers (CBS): Greg Gumbel, Dan Dierdorf

Deciding Factor: Short week for Sanchize and the Jets... Can they take care of business against a frisky Broncos team this week?

Hard-Hitting Analysis: There’s an SB Nation commenter out there who quotes me in his signature. The quote is something I wrote after last year’s NFL Draft, and it’s something like, “I can’t wait until Josh McDaniels and Tim Tebow fall flat on their face.” Is he making fun of me for doubting the McDaniels/Tebow duo, or agreeing with me? Either way, I’d like to reiterrate: I can’t wait until Josh McDaniels and Tim Tebow fall flat on their face.

Blogs: Canal Street Chronicles and Bucs Nation

Line: Saints by 4

Announcers (FOX): Sam Rosen, Tim Ryan

Deciding Factor: Okay, hold on, the Bucs seriously have a winning record?

Hard-Hitting Analysis: I’m pretty sure we wrote off Raheem Morris the second he was hired in Tampa Bay. Right? We did the same thing when Josh Freeman was drafted in the first round two years ago. But if there’s one thing the NFL teaches us over and over again, it’s that we’re all idiots. Don’t be surprised if this game’s better than expected.

On the other hand, they’re still the Bucs, so proceed with caution.

Blogs: Pride of Detroit and Big Blue View

Line: Giants by 10.

Announcers (FOX): Dick Stockton, Charles Davis

Deciding Factor: Can the Giants put together two dominant performances in a row?

Hard-Hitting Analysis: It just feels like this year’s Lions team is destined to play in a lot of close, exciting games. And lose all of them.

Blogs: Arrowhead Pride and Battle Red Blog

Line: Texans by 4

Announcers (CBS): Gus Johnson, Harry Tasker

Deciding Factor: Which of these teams is less of a fraud?

Hard-Hitting Analysis: Okay, so let me get this straight... The Chiefs begin the season undefeated, lose a close game to a heavy favorite, and come into this week 3-1. The Texans have been inconsistent all year, and just got humiliated at home against the Giants. How can the Texans possibly be favored by more than three points? As far as this game’s entertainment value, Gus Johnson’s there, and both teams are mediocre, but they’re equally mediocre. And with Gus Johnson around, it should be an entertaining finish.

Blogs: The Falcoholic and Bleeding Green Nation

Line: Eagles by 3

Announcers (FOX): Kenny Albert, Darryl Johnston, Tony Siragusa

Deciding Factor: I hate Tony Siragusa so much.

Hard-Hitting Analysis: If Michael Vick were playing... This would be appointment television. The Falcons have looked pretty solid so far this year, and the Eagles (with Vick) have yet to beat a team like this year’s Falcons. Basically, we have no idea how good Philly could be, and we don’t really know with Atlanta, either. Unfortunately, whatever happens on Sunday will come with a gigantic asterisk, as the Eagles are starting Kevin “Captain Checkdown” Kolb...

Blogs: Music City Miracles and Big Cat Country

Line: Titans by 3

Announcers (ESPN): Mike Tirico, Ron Jaworski, and the Jon Gruden Experience

Deciding Factor: Can Jacksonville become the first city ever to have a Monday Night blackout? (Answer: no!)

Hard-Hitting Analysis: It’s anyone’s guess as to how or why this game was chosen for Monday Night Football, and ordinarily, we’d rank it a little lower. But Chris Johnson’s been suspiciously unspectacular so far this year, and Monday Night Football seems like an ideal platform for him to reprise his role as the Baddest Man on the Planet. Remember last year’s matchup with Jacksonville?

Blogs: Blogging The Boys and The Daily Norseman

Line: Vikings by 1

Announcers (FOX): Joe Buck, Troy Aikman

Deciding Factor: God, both of these teams blow.

Hard-Hitting Analysis: But you know you’ll watch.

Blogs: Stampede Blue and Hogs Haven

Line: Colts by 3

Announcers (NBC): Cris Collinsworth will spend three hours explaining how smart he is.

Deciding Factor: HEY! It’s Peyton Manning on Sunday Night Football again!

Hard-Hitting Analysis: This should be a really good game. Part of me wants to stop there, just so that “this should be a really good game” can be the extent of my analysis. But seriously, the Colts have been just vulnerable enough so that the Redskins might be able to make things interesting here. Nobody knows how the ‘Skins are 3-2 and not 1-4, but that’s beside the point. In the NFL, momentum and luck are half the battle, and the ‘Skins have both factors working in their favor at this point. Here’s to hoping I just jinxed all of it.

Blogs: Baltimore Beatdown and Pats Pulpit

Line: New England by 2.5

Announcers (CBS): Jim Nantz, Phil Simms

Deciding Factor: Will the Danny Woodhead be murdered by Ray Lewis? Pretty sure, legally speaking, Ray’s in the clear as long as it happens on the football field.

Hard-Hitting Analysis: It’s the game of the weekend. Not only are these two teams legitimate contenders to represent the AFC in Dallas this February, but whatever happens on New England’s offense, it will be pretty compelling. If the Pats completely implode, then we will laugh. If they put a 30 points against a defense like Baltimore, then we’ll have definitive proof that Bill Belichick is Satan. But either way, it’ll be good theater, with two teams that have consistently produced entertaining football. So... GIVE ME A HEAPING HELPING!