It dawned on me Wednesday night—the Patriots could win the Super Bowl this year. I know that's pretty obvious considering New England's sitting at 6-1 with the best coach in football, one of the best quarterbacks, and a roster that's about as well-rounded as anybody in the league.
NFL Buffet, Week 9: Oh My God, Can The Patriots Win The Super Bowl?
Just when it looked like they might fade away for good, the Patriots are back and maybe better than ever. Isn’t that terrifying? Plus: We preview Week 9’s lackluster buffet spread. Because you know you’ll consume it anyway.
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BUT THEY CAN REALLY WIN IT ALL.
Does anyone else find this news terrifying and horrible and nightmare-inducing?
For the last decade, the Patriots have been looming just about every year as a credible Super Bowl threat, but after Tom Brady's injury two years ago, and the thorough drubbing against Baltimore in last year's playoffs, it looked like the Patriots dynasty had turned a corner. Suddenly, teams like the Jets and Ravens could push them around. The defense had holes all over the field. The offense couldn't run the ball. And with Belichick getting older, Brady coming off that injury, and a fan base that seemed too complacent to really care about any of it, it just felt like the sun was setting on this group. With Rex Ryan and the Jets, they even had a natural heir to the throne emerging in their division.
Because if anyone was born to eclipse Bill Belichick’s joyless blueprint for success and swing the pendulum back in the direction of fun-loving, ass-kicking football, it’s Rex Ryan.
But here’s Bill Belichick again, still winning, still joyless, and that goddamn blueprint looks smarter than ever. Believe me, I hate it as much as you do. It’s just... It might be time to start thinking of the Patriots as a powerhouse again. They just constantly find a way to win. Brady’s been great this year, and even though the Moss trade seemed insane when it happened, the offense does look more cohesive without him. It’s distressing, but sort of indisputable.
This week, New England plays the Browns. Then comes a matchup against the Steelers, and a week later, the Colts. And I'm not saying the Patriots are going to be 9-1 in three weeks, but at this point, it's hard to imagine them coming through at anything less than 8-2. And if they win all three... Then what?
RUN AND HIDE. The Patriots fans will be insufferable, but we won't have an answer. You can't argue with what's happening this season, and what's already happened this decade. And if they win the Super Bowl... At that point, Bill Belichick's Patriots teams of the 2000s become maybe the most impressive dynasty of all time. The '70s Steelers, '80s 49ers, '90s Cowboys, and then the Patriots.
It’s early, and I’m not saying any of this will happen, but when you think about what that might mean for the rest of us, having to worship at the altar of Belichick and endure the gloating from “GREATRIOTS NATION”, that’s a pretty terrifying thought. And for the first time in a few years, it’s completely plausible. I mean, look at the whole Moss situation. Maybe Belichick is every bit the genius we’ve always feared.
So, go Jets. Or Ravens. Or Titans. Or... Anyone. 'Cause the Patriots might be better than everyone.
(shudders)
Let’s move on. And as far as this week’s games are concerned, we might as well call a spade a spade here: The lineup for Week 9 leaves a lot to be desired. Or, if we’re going to stick with the buffet metaphor, where most weeks in the NFL come together like a homemade spread at a great tailgate, this week’s lineup looks more like the lunchtime options set out at a strip club.
Warmed over chicken wings. Watery pasta and meatballs. Maybe some stale garlic bread. Maybe even some meat loaf to really complete the ensemble. It’s the sort of stuff consumed by only the most desperate, wandering souls of society. The people so shiftless and degraded, they can talk themselves into a meal surrounded by cigarette smokers and the C-list dancers you’ll find working the Tuesday afternoon shift at your local gentleman’s club.
And frankly, that’s what the NFL has done to us at this point. Faced with a cornucopia of crap, we will still stuff our face like its Thanksgiving. In weeks like this, we’re all the desperate dude at the strip club, trying to pretend the food tastes good. Because we can’t NOT watch the NFL, can we?
Of course not. So let’s hit this week’s strip club buffet!
GIVE ME A HEAPING HELPING
Colts at Eagles
Blogs: Stampede Blue and Bleeding Green Nation
Line: Eagles by 3
Announcers (CBS): Jim Nantz and Phil Simms
Deciding Factor: Seriously, why couldn't Randy Moss end up on the Eagles?
Hard-Hitting Analysis: Not that Moss on the Titans is anything less than the best fit ever, but Randy Moss and Michael Vick together? Wouldn't that be the best thing to happen to the NFL in years? It would be the Miami Heat in the NBA, except this time, we could really agree that everyone hating that team was really racist. And Philly would have gone nuts for that team. I know the Colts-Eagles should be a good game on Sunday, but I'm still not ready to let go of the Moss-Vick dream. It would have been like TO and Ochocinco, except real. TO and Ocho belong on VH1. Moss and Vick for an entire season would be its own documentary. I hate the waiver system.
All that being said... I can’t wait to watch Vick vs. Manning on Sunday.
Dolphins at Ravens
Blogs: The Phinsider and Baltimore Beatdown
Line: Ravens by 5
Announcers (CBS): Greg Gumbel and Dan Dierdorf
Deciding Factor: Could Miami make the playoffs? Could the Ravens win the Super Bowl?
Hard-Hitting Analysis: Those are the questions in play with this one. The Dolphins have a shot, and if they can somehow steal a win, it might be time to start looking at them as legitimate threat for the AFC wild card.
On the other side, if the Ravens are good enough to win it all, this is a game they should win easily at home. Miami plays hard every week, but the Ravens have A LOT more talent. Then again, when everything hinges on Joe Flacco... Everything hinges on Joe Flacco.
I’LL HAVE A SCOOP OF THAT, PLEASE
Blogs: Bolts Beyond The Blue and Battle Red Blog
Line: Chargers by 3
Announcers (CBS): Ian Eagle, Dan Fouts
Deciding Factor: Imagine Phillip Rivers on the Texans.
Hard-Hitting Analysis: Wouldn't he pass for 8,500 yards with the weapons in Houston? Instead, he's throwing to Patrick Crayton and something called Seyi Ajirotutu. I don't think A.J. Smith gets enough credit for being truly awful at his job.
Blogs: Arrowhead Pride and Silver and Black Pride
Line: Raiders by 2.5
Announcers (CBS): Kevin Harlan, Solomon Wilcots
Deciding Factor: Hey now! Can you say playoff implications?!
Hard-Hitting Analysis: At the beginning of the year we knew that one of these teams would surprise people. I chose the Raiders as my darkhorse team, mainly because it gave me an excuse to recap the insanity of the past 10 years. But really, either team making the playoffs would be a phenomenal upset, and whichever team wins Sunday has a real shot. Here’s to hoping Oakland pulls it out, because, well... we’re not that far removed from this.
I’LL TASTE IT FIRST...
Blogs: Big Blue View and Field Gulls
Line: Giants by 7
Announcers (FOX): Joe Buck and Troy Aikman
Deciding Factor: HAHAHA this is Fox’s best game this weekend.
Hard-Hitting Analysis: Matt Hasselbeck! Eli Manning! Hakeem Nicks! Mike Williams!
Serves you right, Joe Buck.
Jets at Lions
Blogs: Gang Green Nation and Pride Of Detroit
Line: Jets by 4.5
Announcers (CBS): Gus Johnson and Steve Tasker
Deciding Factor: Every week when I do these breakdowns and write out each SB Nation blog, I always giggle when I write out “Pride of Detroit” for the Lions. Then I cry a little bit.
Hard-Hitting Analysis: At this point, would you rather have Matt Stafford or Mark Sanchez as your franchise quarterback? Considering Stafford's injuries, and his relatively unspectacular display thus far, you'd probably take Sanchez, right? And looking at the NFL, aren't Stafford, Sanchez, Flacco, and Sam Bradford four of the best young quarterbacks in the game? When did everyone get this mediocre? Are good, young NFL quarterbacks the new African-American baseball players? I guess this makes Josh Freeman the NFL's Torri Hunter.
Bucs at Falcons
Blogs: Bucs Nation and The Falcoholic
Line: Falcons by 8.5
Announcers (FOX): Thom Brennaman, Brian Billick
Deciding Factor: With Josh Freeman leading them, can the Bucs make the playoffs?!
Hard-Hitting Analysis: Nah, probably not.
Steelers at Bengals
Blogs: Behind The Steel Curtain and Cincy Jungle
Line: Steelers by 5
Announcers (ESPN): Jon Gruden makes Monday Night Football pretty much unwatchable.
Deciding Factor: Say what you want about Terrell Owens, but he's not quite as washed up as Ochocinco.
Hard-Hitting Analysis: Do you think Dick LeBeau ever thinks back to his time in Cincinnati and wonders whether, if a few things had gone differently, he could have settled down in Cincy and built a winner?
Yeah, me neither.
DON’T KNOW ... SMELLS KINDA FUNNY ...
Patriots at Browns
Blogs: Pats Pulpit and Dawgs By Nature
Line: Patriots by 4.5
Announcers (CBS): Bill Macatee, Rich Gannon
Deciding Factor: Can Eric Mangini outsmart his old mentor?!
Hard-Hitting Analysis: LOL.
Blogs: Canal Street Chronicles and Cat Scratch Reader
Line: Saints by 7
Announcers (FOX): Dick Stockton and Charles Davis
Deciding Factor: Will the Saints show up for this one?
Hard-Hitting Analysis: Because honestly, after playing the Steelers on National TV, I’d have trouble pretending to care about a game against the Panthers. I mean, the Saints won a Super Bowl last year. They have every reason to think they can half-ass their way through this game and still come out with a win. And they’re probably right.
NO THANKS, PLATE’S FULL
Blogs: Windy City Gridiron and Buffalo Rumblings
Line: Bears by 3
Announcers (FOX): Sam Rosen, Tim Ryan
Deciding Factor: I’m not even going to pretend to care.
Hard-Hitting Analysis: And neither will the fans in Toronto.
Cowboys at Packers
Blogs: Blogging the Boys and Acme Packing Company
Line: Packers by 8.5
Announcers (NBC): Al Michaels, Cris Collinsworth
Deciding Factor: I’d feel much better about picking the Packers to make it to the Super Bowl if Mike McCarthy wasn’t such an obvious putz about everything.
Hard-Hitting Analysis: And Wade Phillips makes Mike McCarthy look like a friggin MASTERMIND.
Blogs: Revenge of the Birds and The Daily Norseman
Line: Vikings by 8.5
Announcers (FOX): Kenny Albert, Daryl Johnston, Tony Siragusa
Deciding Factor: Do you think Fox realizes how much everyone loathes Tony Siragusa? I’ve never met anyone who’s watched a Siragusa broadcast without saying, “What is his role? What does he add? Why do I keep hearing this obnoxious voice coming out of nowhere?” It’s been an ongoing subplot for a few years now, and yet, every week, a new fan base finds out just how awful it is to have Tony Siragusa around to announce an NFL game.
Hard-Hitting Analysis: From my NFL Season preview:
Right now it sounds insane, but if Minnesota loses in New Orleans Thursday night, they could be entering November at 2-5, having lost four straight games. That’s not impossible to overcome, but remember: Brett Favre has been non-committal about playing football for the past four years.
If things start to go south in the first half of the season, and particularly if Favre’s ankle issues continue, there’s a decent chance that he’ll be checked out...
And here they are! 2-5 entering November, Favre has about six different injuries, they just cut the only good thing that's happened to them this season, and (checks watch) yup! It's about time for Brett Favre to completely check out and mail it in for November and December.
It feels good to be right about anything, but when you’re right about predicting Brett Favre’s spectacular descent into disgrace and irrelevance... Well, victory is sweet, but these next two months is something heavenly. Savor the Favre collapse for all it’s worth. Breathe it in. Let the interceptions swirl around. One day, you’re going to tell your kids about Brett Favre. Not the years on the Packers. But these next two months. Never before has an athlete gotten what’s coming to him in a more delicious way than Brett Favre. God it tastes good.
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