The head coaching position in Dallas is among the most high-profile jobs in the world of sports, and after the firing of Wade Phillips, former Cowboys offensive coordinator Jason Garrett now finds himself at the reins. Most football fans are unfamiliar with Garrett, and unfortunately, he's become the subject of several unfounded rumors. We are here to set the record straight in an official capacity.
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True: Jason Garrett briefly played football at Princeton.
False: The critically-acclaimed film Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever was based on events that actually happened to Jason Garrett. He credits this life experience as valuable preparation for the rigors of NFL coaching.
True: Back when World League Football was still in operation, Jason Garrett started at quarterback for the San Antonio Riders.
False: In those days, Jason Garrett made a habit of exploiting an obscure World Football League rule by dribbling the football into the end zone. His team would receive five points and earn a “free kick” from the other team, one condition being that the kicker had to sort of punt the ball with both feet simultaneously. Few players were capable of doing so, and Jason Garrett knew this.
True: Prior to serving as the Cowboys’ head coach, Jason Garrett served as the team’s offensive coordinator.
False: Prior to serving as the Cowboys’ offensive coordinator, Jason Garrett was Gunther Cunningham.
True: Jason Garrett is not a polo shirt hastily draped over a tackling dummy.
False: Jason Garrett is a polo shirt hastily draped over a tackling dummy.
Possibly true: Jason Garrett is a polo shirt hastily draped over a tackling dummy.
True: Jason Garrett’s father was an assistant coach in the NFL for several years.
False: In 1943, while riding through the open range, Jason Garrett’s father turned to spit a wad of tobacco on a patch of dirt. He also discarded a parcel of cured meat that was beginning to spoil. Ten years later, while returning from the Arizona-Brazil Conflict of 1949, he nearly dropped his katana in astonishment, as he saw that on that very spot, the two had coagulated to form a Dallas. He was the city’s first mayor.
True: As head coach, Jason Garrett will have to find a way to turn things around without Tony Romo, who is out with a broken clavicle.
False: Someone posed Jason Garrett a variant on a classic thought experiment: "Suppose a millionaire says, 'Jason, I will give you a million dollars every ten years under the condition that every ten years, you must break your starting quarterback's collarbone with a crescent wrench.' Do you accept this offer?" Jason did not hear the "suppose," as he was jamming to the latest Puddle of Mudd album and was slow to remove his headphones. He immediately fetched a crescent wrench from his fanny pack and made his exit.
True: This is the first time Jerry Jones has ever fired a head coach mid-season.
False: This is the first time Jerry Jones has ever entered a neighborhood bar, watched a Foosball table for a few minutes, singled out the best player, and hired him on account of his ability to do that cheap move where you sort of spin the knob without actually spinning it all the way around so that it’s still legal. During practice on Tuesday, Jason Garrett stood hunched over on the sideline, occasionally flicking his wrist and grunting.
True: If the preceding statement were true, the Cowboys would have one fewer win than they currently have, because that is no way to run a team.
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