Absolut NFL Weekend Buffet, Week 15: It’s Time To Pray

We’re hitting the home stretch for the 2010 NFL season, and with the playoff races coming down to the wire in both conferences, there are a lot of good (and bad) teams with their backs against the wall. The moment of truth has arrived for teams like the Jets, Giants, Chiefs, Jaguars, Packers, Bucs, and Colts.

Three weeks away from the playoffs, half the league is crunched in a foxhole, coming to grips with their postseason mortality. So what do you do when your back’s against the wall? Pray like hell that somebody will save you. Or drink heavily. One or the other, really.

So today, we’re dedicating prayers to the NFL teams that sorely need them.

Who’s ready to find religion?!

Jaguars at Colts (-4.5)

Dear God,

You know we’re Dungy’s favorite team, right? Can You please save us from the inevitable Jim Caldwell collapse this Sunday? Stop punishing us for the sins of Marvin Harrison. Nobody wants to see Jacksonville in the playoffs. Have You even been to Jacksonville? It’s like Orlando with a learning disability. It’s the Kid Rock of cities, and David Garrard is the Darius Rucker of quarterbacks. You don’t want Hootie in the playoffs, do You?

God, it’s really not our place to interfere with You deciding this week’s game, but as You prepare to Decide, You might want to stop and think for a minute. What Would Dungy Do?

-- Colts fans

Saints at Ravens (-1)

Dear God,

If You can find it in your heart to heal Joe Flacco, we would be eternally grateful. He’s hurt, right? He’s gotta be hurt. We know You’re conflicted about Ray and the defense, but Ray has been very vocal about Your forgiveness. And even if You think he’s been annoying since finding Your salvation, I think we can all agree that Ed Reed has turned badassery into religion. So, remember: Flacco. Please save him. And please don’t punish us for Ray. He’s a loving servant, and it’d be super lame if the Chiefs made the playoffs instead of us.

Also: What’s the deal with Big Ben being successful this year? Kinda f**ked up, dude.

-- Ravens fans

Jets at Steelers (-6)

Dear God,

Should we just give up?

Hope to hear from you soon,
Jets fans

Redskins at Dallas (-7)

Dear God,

Screw it.

Thanks for nothing.
Redskins fans

Dear God (and Fox),

We know, Jason Garrett went to Princeton.

-- America

(Ed. note: this game is a five star attraction purely for comedy’s sake. Rex Grossman vs. Jon Kitna, Donovan McNabb sulking on the sidelines, and... REX GROSSMAN VS. JON KITNA)

Eagles at Giants (-3)

Dear God,

It’s me, Marcus Vick. I’m sayin, I know I ain’t been perfect. But those girls said they was eighteen! And like I told my coaches, why would You have put ‘dem special herbs on earth if You ain’t want us to enjoy it? LOL. For real! The forbidden fruit tastes so dope! So can You find it in your heart to help the Eagles make the Super Bowl? We make it to Dallas and I swear to GAWWWDDDD it’s goin’ down. Ooooooh. We gon’ party like we just got outta prison!

Shoutout to all my peoples in the 757,
MV

Packers at Patriots (OFF)

Dear Gawd,

HAHAHA. See what happens when you doubt Billy Belichick? CAN’T STOP THE GREATRIOTS. You tried to punish us in ‘08 and everybody thawt You won. BUT THAT WAS JUST THE BATTLE, PAL. Billy Belichick is ow-ah war hero. He’s too smaht for You and Your little games. DANNY WOODHEAD IS A CHAMPION, NO MATTAH HOW HAHHHD YOU TRY TO HOLD HIM BACK. Tawwmy Brady doesn’t need Jesus. HE GAWT GISELE, BUD.

(stares at picture of his ex-wife, sips fifth of Peppermint schnapps)

SEE YOU IN THE FOOTBALL WORLD SERIES,
WINNAH WINNAH CHICKEN DINNAH

Chiefs at Rams (E)

Dear God,

If we make the playoffs with a team this bad, does that count as our “good team” for the next ten years? Because it seems like that’s the way You operate. Not judging, but if that’s how it works, then maybe our non-depressing year can come when we’re a little less sh**ty?

Just a thought,
Chiefs fans

Lions at Bucs (-5.5)

God damnit.

-- Detroit

Browns at Bengals (-1)

No, seriously. GODDAMNIT.

-- Ohio

(image via)

Cardinals at Panthers (-2.5)

God,

It’s me, Steve Smith. My entire life, I’ve trusted You and Your wisdom. Every time someone asks about my career and all the success I’ve had, I make sure to thank You first. BUT PLEASE GOD DON’T MAKE ME DEAL WITH JIMMY CLAUSEN NEXT YEAR. This ain’t Notre Dame, and Touchdown Jesus can kiss my ass if I have to go over the middle for one of his floaters again.

Still got love for you though,
Steve

God,

Everything Steve said applies to me, too. I trust You have a plan, and I’m cool with it, as long as it involves a real quarterback next year. Except the touchdown Jesus part. I saw what they did to that white girl at ESPN. Touchdown Jesus is cool with me.

-- Larry Fitzgerald

Bills at Dolphins (-5.5)

Houston at Tennesse (-1.5)

God damn, I finally understand what all those fools meant about that humility sh**. LOL.

-- Chris Johnson

Falcons (-7) at Seahawks

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-- Falcons PR Department

Broncos at Raiders (6.5)

My Lord and Savior,

Hark! The moment has arrived! Trusting in Your omnipotent reason has led to the Moment of Truth. The season is lost and the opportunity has finally arrived. The heavens shall part and those Raider heathens shall meet the wrath of a loving servant of God. This is what we talked about. This is where the rubber meets the road. Sunday, we will compel the masses to concede proclaim your greatness a Mile High, and worship throughout Your kingdom.

It HATH come to pass. “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son...”

-- TIM