Ranking NFL Games 61-70, As Previewed By Inebriated Time-Traveling Abraham Lincoln

As noted, the rest of this list will be ranked by special guest previewers. Please enjoy the 61st through 70th most interesting games remaining in the NFL season, and please welcome our special guest, Inebriated Time-Traveling Abraham Lincoln.

61. Buffalo at Dallas (Week 10)
Well! Hello! Did Seward tell you I was coming? He didn’t? Ha!

This is brandy, and it is delicious! It’s empty! Will you get me more? ...What? And this is a match of some sort? Buffalo to... Dallas? Why Texas? What did you find there, oil? No matter, no matter. That must take thirty minutes in this age. It’s 2111, isn’t it? Oh. 2011. I will guess... five hours? Ha! Haha, I knew I wasn’t far off. Well, good work. Good work. I’m sure you weren’t the one to personally construct the teletrain, but good work nonetheless.

Winner: Bills.

62. Tampa Bay at Tennessee (Week 12)
All right, well, slow down a moment, let me understand you. There are 11 men on each side, and they must carry a ball to a goal, yes? Is there a record of standings, so that I may read the histories of these teams? Right, yes, then fetch it please, thank you. Meantime, please, tell me the wins and losses marked against them.

They’re both four and three! Well! They’re both secessors. Seceders? I prefer secessors. Damn them both.

Winner: tie game.

63. Kansas City at NY Jets (Week 14)
I’m glad it wasn’t too much trouble to get an American President something to drink. I only walked in here because I thought it was the door to the wine cellar. Least you can do is be half as welcoming as it would have been.

Both of these teams are four and three too? What f***ing game is this? Uh. Jets, I suppose. Seward told me about jets. There are inkjets and laserjets, and they both make the practices of accounting and journalism easier than ever! WHAT A WONDERFUL AGE! HA! [falls over]

Winner: Jets.

64. Dallas at Tampa Bay (Week 15, Saturday night)
A Saturday night in mid-December? Don’t you people have holiday parties? What is wrong with you rubs? Speaking of parties, won’t someone get me some more damned brandy?

“Winner”: Buccaneers.

65. Carolina at Houston (Week 15)
Houston! Or Carolina! Carolina re-unified? Oh good, now they have two palm trees and a drunkard.
Winner: Texans.

66. Tennessee at Atlanta (Week 11)
We razed Atlanta to the ground! Did you rebuild it just to spite me? Miserable little landlocked mosquito palace.

You know, I bet you think you’re so intelligent. You think I’m stupid just because I’m not from this time and I don’t know about all your fancy inventions. Well I’m NOT! Do you treat all time travelers this way? Do you just wait for them to fall out of that worm-hole so you can act smug and say, “oh, look at us, look at all these things you don’t know, ohhhh.” You think you’re the king of everything! Well you’re NOT! [breaks snifter against wall]

MORE BRANDY!
Winner: Titans.

67. Baltimore at San Diego (Week 15, Sunday night)
Baltimore. More like Balti-less. Balti-fewer. Balti-(hic)... Balti-none!

Ohhhh, I don’t feel very well. I didn’t know everything was going to be so drunk in the future. Seward should have told me. Seward. What a mook.
Winner: Ravens.

68. Kansas City at Chicago (Week 13)
[falls asleep on floor]
Winner: Chiefs.

69. Pittsburgh at Cleveland (Week 17)
Ohhhhh God. What did... Oh no. I’m such a terrible President. I was helping you analyze your competitive football matches, and I guess I just... oh, I’m the worst.

“Steelers”? Why, yes, they do make a lot of steel. You sure are a dim bunch. What’s the other team... Browns?!?! Good God, it’s a future of dullards.

Winner: Steelers.

70. Chicago at Denver (Week 14)
I’ll wager to guess Denver. That’s where you’ll find my bones, I reckon. That’s where I spent my retirement.

...all right, yes! Yes, if you want me to just come out and say it to you: it was part of the play. I’m such a bad fellow, am I, just because I wanted some peace and quiet? Well, I’m off, have fun at your concussion festival.
Winner: Bears.