Ranking NFL Games 121-130, As Previewed By A Postal Service Employee In The Pre-Internet Age Who Is A Huge Jerk

121. NY Jets at Miami (Week 17)
All right, it’s 3 o’clock and I am exhausted. I ain’t delivering the rest of this mail. I think there’s a sewer manhole off on Jefferson Street where I can dump all this stuff. Don’t trains run from New York to Miami? They’re only sending letters because they’re too lazy to actually go down there. Yep, it’s Miller time.

Winner: Jets.

122. Houston at Indianapolis (Week 16, Thursday night)
“PRIORITY MAIL -- MUST BE DELIVERED THURSDAY, DECEMBER 22nd.” Ah, crap, it’s already Friday. Welp, this letter never happened.

Winner: Texans.
123. Seattle at Chicago (Week 15)
The TO CHICAGO bin is like 20 feet away. Maybe I can just throw it. Nope, probably should have wadded it up first. Looks like it landed in the TO DENVER bin. Eh. They know how to read in Denver, too. People love having shit to read, right? Win-win.
Winner: Seahawks.
124. Miami at Buffalo (Week 15)
Bills, huh? Nobody likes to get a bill in the mail. Nobody likes to deliver them, either. [writes “NOT PAYING YOUR BILL, KNUCKLEHEADS” on front of envelope, files in RETURN TO SENDER bin]
Winner: Bills.
125. Cincinnati at St. Louis (Week 15)
What incentive do I even have to deliver this mail? I can seriously throw it out the window of the truck right now and it would just be “lost in the mail.” It’s 1953. They have absolutely no way to track this crap. Yep, gonna do that.

Winner: Bengals.
126. Tennessee at Indianapolis (Week 15)
Oh man, I’ve been working for like 40 minutes now. I need a smoke. [shakes package, opens it, finds letter]

“Dear Son,

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I feel intense regret that we have not spoken since you left home. You are a man now, and I only now have come to realize that. I am proud of you, and I am sorry for being cross with you.

Should you even want to see me, I would love to pay a visit. In the meantime, as a token of our bond, please accept these cigars”--

OH HELL YES THANK YOU GOD [digs through package, smokes cigar]

Winner: Titans.
127. St. Louis at San Francisco (Week 13)
Oh man, this smells good. [opens package] Cookies! All right! [munches on cookies while reading accompanying letter]

“My dearest family,

I believe I am in the winter of my life, or so the doctor says. I hope I will be able to write you again, but just in case, I wanted to bake you one last batch of my oatmeal cookies. I hope they survive the journey. I know how much you loved them, and I hope that as you enjoy them, you are not filled with sadness, but”--

I ain’t, lady. You weren’t kidding, either. These cookies are AMAZING. Umph. GOD these are good.

Winner: 49ers.
128. Miami at Dallas (Week 12, Thanksgiving)
All right, I’m bored. You still got that “Letters To Santa” bag in your truck? I was thinking about responding to some of ‘em, tellin’ the kids to just go to the store and steal something they want and I’ll pay ‘em back later. Again, basically impossible for anyone to pin this on me.

Winner: Cowboys.
129. Cleveland at Arizona (Week 15)
Oh, hey, this box goes to the same address as the return address from the letter to Santa that just asked for a Nintendo 26 times. This had better be a Nintendo. [opens package]

YES. Welp, that Atari is gonna have to tide you over for another year, kid.

Winner: Browns.

130. San Francisco at St. Louis (Week 17)
Oh hey, this is a letter back from the cookie people I guess.

Dear Sir, thank you for making appropriate arrangements. Please request that the local newspaper add this to her obituary: “she was a terrific person of many talents, but perhaps most of all, we will miss her baking. Her cookies reminded us of” -- blah blah blah, thought you were a birthday card, thanks for nothing

[naps]

Winner: 49ers.