Tim Tebow Is The World, Chris Paul Is A Clipper, And Other Stories That Make No Sense

One of the best parts about going abroad is the perspective it gives you. Not on other cultures or humanity or anything enlightened like that--just, if you go to another country and step away from the news cycle for a week or two, it really puts America’s own insanity in perspective.

I spent the past ten days in China with spotty internet access and no TV, so most of the news I followed consisted of glancing at headlines, e-mails from friends, and a handful of conversations with other Americans over there. Like at one point, an American who’s been living abroad asked me, “I’ve read that Jay-Z and Kanye West are on tour, and every concert they perform the same song like five times in the same show? That’s not really true, is it?”

YES. It totally is. And for some reason this doesn’t seem that ridiculous. We’re numb to the absurdity, I guess. And that phenomenon goes double for sports news. So just for fun, here are a handful of the sports stories that made me laugh out loud from a million miles away.

Starting, of course, with God’s Favorite Quarterback.

1. Tim Tebow is the World. On Monday morning last week I was getting back from an all-night train and got to my buddy’s apartment in Shanghai around 6 a.m. And at that point, since we’d already been up all night, we figured we might as well stay up and watch the 4 o’clock games with the NFL’s International Game Pass. So we tried, anyway.

But between a video feed that went in-and-out and the dreadful first half from the Bears and Broncos, we both passed out within about 30 minutes. Of course, the whole world knows by now, that game turned into another Tebow miracle. Monday night in Shanghai we saw the score, and I was talking with my buddy who’s been living over there for the past two years.

After I babbled in horror reading the postgame recap, he said, “Yeah, I don’t know. I guess I just don’t really give a s**t about Tim Tebow.” It makes sense if you think about it. If you lived abroad and didn’t have to listen to announcers and columnists and pundits completely lose it over Tebow every week. At that point, Broncos games are just something that puts you to sleep.

So I realized... If smart American fans hate Tim Tebow, it probably has less to do with how he plays or his religious rhetoric than interviews like this one from Sunday, where Jim Nantz foams at the mouth and falls all over himself in reverence. At one point he says to Tebow, “It’s Tebow and it’s Brady. For the first time ever. How big is it? I mean get down to it, how big is this one?”

It’s the sort of thing that makes you yell at your at TV. Like, uhh.... NOT THAT BIG, JIM. REALLY, IT’S NOT A SUPER BOWL. NOT EVEN THE PLAYOFFS. GOD. ARE PEOPLE ALL THIS INSANE?

But there we go again, screaming about Tebow. And I’m just saying, if we never had to hear pundits like Jim Nantz drone on about the magic of Tim Tebow, or see Sports Illustrated covers like this, there really wouldn’t be much to get worked up about either way.

So maybe Tebow isn’t THE world, but he’s very much OUR world, in America, where ridiculous people have a knack for creating conversations that are only relevant because we all feel the need to point out how ridiculous they are. He’s politics and religion and reality TV distilled into a football player. He’s a media acid trip that drives everyone delirious. But if you’re just trying to follow football online in another country, he’s really kind of irrelevant.

2. David Stern rules the world. Oh man. I wasn’t totally sure what happened when I first heard about the CP3 trade-that-wasn’t-a-trade, but I got no less than three e-mails with “F*** Stern” in the subject line, so obviously something pretty serious went down. After reading up on the trade and the controversy, I was talking to a few Americans who asked about the trade.

“Hold on, so he’s not going to the Lakers, then?”

“Yeah, I guess that’s what it looks like.”

”But wait, if he stays with the Hornets, won’t he just leave for nothing?

“Yep.”

“So who does that even benefit?”

Umm... Looking for explanations a few days after it happened, I found two separate quotes from the commissioner’s office. First there was NBA Spokesman Tim Frank:

And then Stern, a day later:

“I don’t want to speak on the basketball side, but that particular [trade] was weighed against Chris Paul’s continued presence in New Orleans.”

It’s all pretty unbelievable. Over the past six months, Stern’s become a caricature of the caricature of himself. He’s playing into our hands. Obviously the Hornets wound up with a different package for CP3, so they won’t get stuck with nothing, but for posterity’s sake, let’s not let the new Clippers situation erase three important truths from what happened:

It’s still unclear who this benefits, especially since Eric Gordon is an unrestricted free agent after next year. Related: This hostage photo doesn’t exactly scream optimism for the Hornets’ new foundation. As another friend said toward the end of my trip, “I don’t follow the NBA that closely, but when a commissioner makes Bud Selig look good, you know he’s screwed up pretty horribly.”

Can’t wait to see what’s next.

3. But seriously, Chris Paul is a Clipper? This is what I wanted all along, just because it would be cool to see the Clippers become a dynasty overnight. But given how it happened... Two thoughts:

Instead of sending a superstar to the L.A. franchise that’s run its business well and spends money constantly to make their team better, the NBA sent a superstar to the L.A. team that’s cut financial corners for a solid 30 years, always turned a profit from a terrible product, and never really cared about improving on the court. And this is considered a victory for “small markets” and fairness? Okay then.
THREE CHEERS FOR JUSTICE.

4. Sam Hurd is a kingpin! Every day, the NFL gets closer and closer to the ESPN show Playmakers. The Sam Hurd legal complaint might be the single craziest piece of sports news we’ve seen in 2011.

HURD stated that he was interested in purchasing five to ten kilograms of cocaine and 1,000 pounds of marijuana per week for distribution in the Chicago area. HURD negotiated to receive the aforementioned amounts of narcotics at $25,000 per kilogram of cocaine and $450 per pound of marijuana. HURD further stated that he and another co-conspirator currently distribute approximately four kilograms of cocaine per week in the Chicago area, but that the supplier could not supply him with enough quantity.

WOOO SPORTS! How will the NFL possibly top this? Let’s look at the odds.

Best bet? ALL OF THE ABOVE. It’s only a matter of time. For everything.

5. Finally, Shane Battier is Shane Battier. Not the biggest story in the world, but God this was perfect. As much grief as LeBron still gets for “taking my talents to South Beach”, there’s really nothing sadder than the way Shane Battier announced his move to Miami. Via Twitter:

This was a exciting process and after much deliberation, I would like to quote the great poet Jimmy Buffett and take my chances “Trying to Reason with Hurricane Season”

Even Nickleback or Michael Bolton would’ve had some irony to it, but nope!

Shane went with the artist of choice for every 50-something looking to “cut loose” on a tropical vacation. And isn’t that why we’ve always loved him? With all due respect to Greg Oden, Shane Battier’s about as close as we’ll ever come to seeing a 50 year-old man from Bethesda play in the NBA. And look, we have yet another reason to make fun of the Miami Heat!

Now? Vacation’s over, and as bizarre as it seems from afar, it’s awesome to be home.