As you've probably noticed, in the days leading up to Super Bowl XLV, we at SB Nation are leaving no stone unturned. It's important for us to offer analysis from as many angles as possible. With that in mind, I would like to spend some time considering who would win if the Packers' and Steelers' ball carriers had to not only carry the football, but push a wheelbarrow full of critically-acclaimed Boz Scaggs records.
Super Bowl XLV Preview: Who Would Win If Ball Carriers Had To Also Push A Wheelbarrow Full Of Boz Scaggs Records?
We had better listen to “Breakdown Dead Ahead,” one of Boz Scaggs’ greatest hits, before proceeding.
The most pressing question would be this: would the wheelbarrow in question have multiple wheels, or just one wheel on the front and one of those stand things on the back?
The former is beyond the scope of this thought experiment, so let’s simply say that this is a standard, one-wheeled wheelbarrow. The running back, for example, will have to keep both hands on the handles to steer it where he needs to go. This poses several problems for him:
- Where does he put the football? Does he try to tuck it under one of his arms, or does he drop it in the wheelbarrow and hope for the best? Would the wheelbarrow be so full of critically-acclaimed Boz Scaggs albums that the football would fall out? And if not, wouldn't it be easy for a defender to grab it and record a turnover? Why would this rule make sense in the first place? Would there be some sort of NFL scandal involving wheelbarrows full of Boz Scaggs records? What would that scandal be like? Would defenders be permitted to knock over the wheelbarrow? Do you think the running backs would even know who Boz Scaggs is? Do you think the running backs would be able to use the wheelbarrow to their advantage, maybe by setting it down and using it as a sort of roadblock to keep defenders from tackling them? Would the NFL need to start banning players for life if they learned they were cheating by just carrying picnic baskets full of Leonard Cohen cassette tapes? Which running back do you think would be best at pushing a wheelbarrow full of Boz Scaggs records? I think it would probably be Jamaal Charles, because he's incredibly fast and people don't give him enough credit.
Sorry, I thought I would need multiple bullet points there, but there was no time. The questions just kept coming. Anyway, if all ball carriers were required to push around a wheelbarrow full of Boz Scaggs record albums while carrying the ball, I don’t see either team holding a strong advantage one way or the other. I predict that the Steelers would win, 31-27.
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