Sure, some people will be happy to tell you every single thing that will happen during Super Bowl XLV. But who is going to tell you what you won’t see? THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT.
Super Bowl XLV Predictions: 45 Things You Won’t See During Packers-Steelers
So in the interest of failed clairvoyance, here’s a list of the stuff you shouldn’t be looking for on Super Bowl Sunday.
- James Starks having a big day.
- Ike Taylor proving Lil Wayne wrong.
- Doug Legursky playing well for more than one quarter.
- Maurkice Pouncey sitting on the sideline for all four.
- Rex Ryan, and admit it, you kind of miss the guy.
- Up With People.
- Fergie wetting herself on stage again.
- A comparison of alleged rapist Ben Roethlisberger to alleged sexual harasser Brett Favre.
- A comparison of the uncharged Ben Roethlisberger to the uncharged Brandon Underwood.
- A completed Hail Mary.
- A wardrobe malfunction.
- A special teams touchdown.
- The Black Eyed Peas' "Let's Get It Started," even though that really is their best Super Bowl-type song.
- A commercial for a website that wins the night.
- Tony Siragusa, and thank any deity you believe in for that.
- An Apple ad that positions the company as a rebellious icon of cool.
- Cheerleaders from either team, because they don't have them.
- Christina Aguilera singing the National Anthem in less than 1:54.
- The NFLPA's "Let Us Play" commercial.
- Lea Michele emoting without making you want to strangle whichever choir director "saw something" in her spirited rendition of whatever Celine Dion song got her that spot way back in 2000.
- Insane Clown Posse.
- Whatever on Earth this completely insane Super Bowl halftime show was.
- More than three Jersey Shore castmates, with the caveat being that you do not watch MTV, because if you actually watch MTV for Super Bowl pregame coverage, I cannot help you.
- Carmelo Anthony getting traded to the Knicks, because that's never going to happen, let's be real.
- Fewer than two occasions of Joe Buck saying something that makes you groan.
- A single unhappy face at any of your parties while eating our wonderful recipes!
- Justin Bieber, probably, maybe, hopefully?
- More than two Kardashians.
- An interception-free game by Ben Roethlisberger.
- An interception-free game by Aaron Rodgers.
- A touchdown-free game by John Kuhn.
- A scoreless first quarter.
- A beer commercial that makes you feel good about society.
- Kanye West, but not for lack of trying.
- Sane and rational discussion of "that revolution thing" going on in Egypt.
- Fewer than five minutes of sustained laughter during FOX's pregame show.
- A Twilight ad, because the Breaking Dawn movie is coming out in two parts and the first one doesn't come out until November and why are you looking at me like that? #TeamVolturi
- A Taco Bell ad that makes you say, "You know, I think they're really stepping it up!"
- The legendary Gavvy Cravath.
- James Harrison backing off of a hit.
- Chris Bosh.
- Jeff Reed.
- American Idol's very successful Season I Have No Idea And You Cannot Make Me Look It Up winner Taylor Hicks.
- An MVP performance by Aaron Rodgers.
- A Steelers victory.
I'm taking the Packers, 27-20. Of course, I might watch the game in a Packers toque, so take that pick for what you will.
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