Days ago, a report emerged claiming that new Oakland Raider Terrelle Pryor scored a seven on the Wonderlic test. The report was later revealed to be a false one, but questions about your intelligence are the last thing you want to deal with if you’re the 11th-string quarterback whose duty it is to back up Jason Campbell, Kyle Boller, Trent Edwards, Sebastian Janikowski, Hue Jackson, Jeff Hostetler, Mark Vlasic, Paul Tagliabue, the dad from ALF, and Steve Bedrosian.
Football Guys: Terrelle Pryor Scores A Negative Four Million On The Wonderlic
Once again, a young black quarterback has been the subject of hand-wringing over an incorrect report of a bad score on a largely ridiculous and largely irrelevant intelligence test. 21st-century racism is so complicated!
Today’s Football Guys follows. It’s only the second installment of Football Guys, so please enjoy the hastily-developed one-dimensional characters while they last!
| **Online Host** Welcome to Oakland Raiders Chat! | |
| **Online Host** Terrelle Pryor has entered the chat room. | |
| TerrelleGhostbusters: Hi, everyone! |
| BarksdaleWeakToday: COACH COACH JAMARCUS RUSSELL IS HERE AGAIN /brandishes broom /makes shooing motion with broom |
| TerrelleGhostbusters: What? No, I'm Terrelle Pryor. |
| ResemblingABoss: yeah he's smiling, he's definitely not jamarcus russell |
| BarksdaleWeakToday: /makes welcoming motion with broom /unbrandishes broom |
| HueJackCity: settle down, everyone. this is Terrelle Pryor, he's going to be our fourth-string idiot moron clipboard-holding doofus nobody |
| TerrelleGhostbusters: Wait, what? Is this about the Wonderlic? |
| HueJackCity: yes. now let's get you to work. gonna have Kyle put you through some clipboard-holding drills. |
| BOLLER: OKAY SO YOUR INSTINCT WILL PROBABLY BE TO KEEP THE PEN IN THE LITTLE HOLE THING ON THE METAL HINGE PART OF THE CLIPBOARD. DON'T DO THAT! IT WILL FALL OUT! |
| BOLLER: DON'T STAPLE YOUR PAPERS BEFORE PUTTING THEM IN THE CLIPBOARD. IF YOU DO, YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO RE-ARRANGE THEM! |
| BOLLER: WHILE YOU'RE HOLDING THE CLIPBOARD, DON'T FLOP YOUR ARMS AND LEGS AROUND LIKE A DINGUS. YOU'LL DROP THE CLIPBOARD AND EVERYONE WILL TACKLE YOU OFF OF THE FOOTBALL TEAM. |
| BOLLER: DO NOT JUMP OUT OF AN AIRPLANE WITH THE CLIPBOARD |
| TerrelleGhostbusters: look, this isn't really necessary |
| BOLLER: COACH. COACH, DWIGHT GOODEN ISN'T SHOWING ME RESPECT |
| HueJackCity: kid, shape up and show some respect. kyle boller is a super bowl-winning quarterback. |
| TerrelleGhostbusters: Wait, he is? |
| HueJackCity: lol no but you totally believed it for like three seconds we drafted him in 2009 out of the middle of a Cub Foods parking lot |
| BOLLER:
|
| TerrelleGhostbusters: Look, I don't deserve this. The Wonderlic is rigged. They subtracted 15 points from my score because I got one question wrong. |
| HueJackCity: what question was that |
| TerrelleGhostbusters: "hey you're not a black guy who's trying to be a quarterback, right" |
| TerrelleGhostbusters: once I answered that one, the rest of the questions were basically just 15 ways of asking, "if you ever hang out with Ving Rhames do you think I could come along please" |
| TerrelleGhostbusters: I said I wasn't friends with Ving Rhames, and they gave me a seven. |
| HueJackCity: OK, well, you're done in this league unless you can go into full "damage control" mode |
| HueJackCity: seriously, go produce a rap album with Bon Iver immediately |
| **OnlineHost** JaMarcus Russell has entered the chat room. | |
 | RussellAthletic: /unrolls frayed child-size Dick Tracy sleeping bag hey guys, you guys mind if i just |
| HueJackCity: JESUS GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE |
| RussellAthletic: wull i was just gonna ask, maybe i could just stay here for a few hours, won't bother y'all, maybe just take a nap real quick |
| RussellAthletic: /tries to climb into sleeping bag /lies down to go to sleep anyway |
| HueJackCity: LEAVE /swats with rolled-up newspaper |
| RussellAthletic: /shields face with hands gawww |
| **Online Host** JaMarcus Russell has tripped over his sleeping bag and fallen out of the chat room. | |
| HueJackCity: god, what a pain the ass |
| BOLLER: THAT ISN'T A VERY NICE THING TO SAY ABOUT VING RHAMES |
Football Guys is a spinoff of The Dugout, a baseball-oriented series of cussy chat room conversations created in 2004 by Jon Bois, Brandon Stroud, and Nick Dallamora. You can read the latest installments of The Dugout at With Leather.
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