At some point I had to write an installment of Football Guys about my Kansas City Chiefs, who at this juncture are the saddest team in the NFL. Running back Jamaal Charles, tight end Tony Moeaki, and safety Eric Berry are each critically important members of the Chiefs’ roster, and all three are lost for the season with injuries.
Football Guys: The Chiefs Are Totally Screwed Forever
At the moment, the Kansas City Chiefs are perhaps the saddest team in the NFL. Forget having enough players on their depth chart. At this rate, they’ll probably run out of nouns.
They are 0-2, and have been outscored by an 89-10 margin. In the NFL, it’s almost impossible to be any worse. A year ago, when the Chiefs were running on all cylinders and headed for the playoffs, I began to entertain the notion that the Chiefs might conceivably win a Super Bowl before I turned 30.
Now I sort of hold the idle “I wonder if we’ll send a man to Mars” sort of hope that they’ll win a Super Bowl before I’m dead. I quit smoking and I exercise regularly. I’m giving these assholes as many chances as I can, but I still don’t really know if they’ll ever pull it together.
Here are a bunch of Chiefs guys saying a lot of things that sure aren’t very smart!
| **Online Host** Welcome to Kansas City Chiefs Chat! | |
| ToddHaleyShow: All right, you guys. We have one piece of good news and like 400 pieces of bad news to go over. |
| ToddHaleyShow: The good news is that I continue to be sort of vaguely handsome in a "Bruce Willis from Moonlighting" sort of way. |
| ToddHaleyShow: The bad news is that our team is ruined and broken forever and that we're all going to die. |
| CasselIntheSky: wait what? |
| ToddHaleyShow: well yeah, I mean, eventually. |
| CasselInTheSky: but only if you are eaten by wolfs |
| ToddHaleyShow: I mean, I guess that's one way you could die, yes, but there are like 40,000 different ways you could die |
| SomewhereOverDwayneBowe: like FDR. he was just sitting around and then he died he died because of chairs |
| CasselInTheSky: wait you can die like that? that's bulls*** :( |
| ToddHaleyShow: wait, so did you really think that the reason there aren't 3,000-year-old people walking around is because we have a huge wolf problem |
| CasselInTheSky: well; however; on the other hand; if your head gets bit off by wolfs, then you will be dead |
| SomewhereOverDwayneBowe: that's a really good point |
| ToddHaleyShow: OK enough, we really need to start going over the depth chart |
| SomewhereOverDwayneBowe: wait, how would multiple wolves simultaneously bite your head off |
| CasselInTheSky: wolf teamwork |
| ToddHaleyShow: YES THANK YOU THAT WILL BE ALL |
| ToddHaleyShow: We're more or less the same at quarterback, with you listed as the starting quarterback ahead of Tyler Palko, Ricky Stanzi, and Mark Vlasic. |
 | FakeVlasicTrees: /wears giant-ass cage facemask /does jumping jacks and stretching exercises and other nerd-ass s*** that nobody has done since like 1995 |
| SomewhereOverDwayneBowe: hahaha why do we have Mark Vlasic |
| ToddHaleyShow: We intended on drafting Jimmy Clausen and mistakenly drafted Vlasic instead. |
| SomewhereOverDwayneBowe: y'all can't be getting your pickle brands all f***ed up like that |
| ToddHaleyShow: Our depth at running back is more problematic. With Jamaal Charles out, the depth chart looks like this: 1. Thomas Jones |
| CasselInTheSky: Better Blocks, more like Worse Blocks |
| SomewhereOverDwayneBowe: Lesser Blocks |
| CasselInTheSky: yeah more like Lesser Blocks |
| ToddHaleyShow: With Tony Moeaki out, tight end is especially tough for us this season. 1. Leonard Pope |
| SomewhereOverDwayneBowe: OK see a lot of those aren't even things i feel as though tight ends should definitely be nouns |
| ToddHaleyShow: Ideally, yes |
| SomewhereOverDwayneBowe: i mean seriously, i have a bunch of nouns at my house. like lamps and dishes and shit. i could go get them right now |
| ToddHaleyShow: Actually yes, that would be great |
| FlowersForAlgernon: OK, so, what is our defensive depth chart looking like? Eric Berry is hurt. |
| ToddHaleyShow: Indeed. As the second most important safety in Kansas City Chiefs history with a fruit-themed name, his loss was a tremendous blow to our defense. |
| FlowersForAlgernon: What is Deron Cherry doing these days, anyway? |
| ToddHaleyShow: I don't actually know, but whenever I picture what a retired Chief is doing these days, for some reason I picture him in some super-vague consulting or real estate job, sitting in an office with fake wood paneling in Lenexa, Kansas, hands folded in front of him on the desk, and just staying that way and doing absolutely jack shit So that I guess |
| ToddHaleyShow: Anyway, here is our defensive depth chart if you actually want to see it
|
| FlowersForAlgernon: hmm Yeah that is pretty good |
| ToddHaleyShow: Thanks. It's supposed to be a Ferrari. |
| SomewhereOverDwayneBowe: i can definitely tell that it's a Ferrari, it's pretty realistic |
| ToddHaleyShow: Thanks |
| FlowersForAlgernon: I just have one suggestion, and I seriously don't mean to be critical at all |
| ToddHaleyShow: Oh OK |
| FlowersForAlgernon: I was gonna say that it's not really an F-16. An F-16 is a fighter plane and it doesn't really make any sense to have it there |
| ToddHaleyShow: Yeah that's a good point. I probably won't include that in my next drawing of a Ferrari |
| CasselInTheSky: the sun is a really nice touch though, makes it realistic |
| ToddHaleyShow: Thanks |
| FlowersForAlgernon: You should think about mailing this in to a car magazine. They might print it. They're always looking for car drawings |
| ToddHaleyShow: Cool thanks, I might do that |
Football Guys is a spinoff of The Dugout, a baseball-oriented series of cussy chat room conversations created in 2004 by Jon Bois, Brandon Stroud, and Nick Dallamora. You can read the latest installments of The Dugout at With Leather.
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