Meet Dan Bailey, 32-year-old rookie kicker for the Cowboys. You did not know who he was before Monday night, when he scored all 18 of the Cowboys' points to secure a terrifically ugly 18-16 win over the Redskins.
Football Guys: Tony Romo Suffers From Flagging Restaurant Sales
On Monday night, 32-year-old rookie kicker Dan Bailey scored 18 points. What were the rest of the Cowboys doing, then? The answer is found in today’s Football Guys chat room.
The rest of the Cowboys did not score any points or do anything at all, because they were too busy attempting to overhaul the business model of Tony Romo's faltering international chain of restaurants. This and more, in today's installment of Football Guys:
(Note: Dan Bailey doesn’t have an official headshot, so I simply Google “dan bailey” and used the first photo I found.)
| **Online Host** Welcome to Dallas Cowboys Chat! | |
| TonyRomosBarAndGrill: Okay guys, listen. Sales at my national chain of restaurants are on the decline, and-- |
 | DezNotCompute: Wait, how are you even up and walking around? I thought one of your ribs broke off and stabbed you in the lung. Seems like that would be a pretty serious thing. |
| TonyRomosBarAndGrill: Oh man. Oh man oh man oh man. This is the perfect setup. We are discussing a quarterback rib, and my restaurant is well-known for its baby back ribs, and |
| TonyRomosBarAndGrill: /fumbles joke |
| TonyRomosBarAndGrill: I need to get a new snap count. |
| DezNotCompute: don't you mean you need to get a new "oh snap" count |
| DezNotCompute: lol |
| DezNotCompute: sorry |
| TonyRomosBarAndGrill: hey no that was pretty good Anyway. Sales at Tony Romo's are down 10 percent over the last quarter. What is the customer experience missing? |
 | WittenForGodot: do you have silferware & knifes & all that stuff |
| TonyRomosBarAndGrill: yes |
| | WittenForGodot: do you have plates or do yall just say "here is food" and mash it into their face & bodys |
| TonyRomosBarAndGrill: yes, no, we have plates |
| WittenForGodot: does the menu say about food items & such or is it just a story bout a young man who comes of age in a war |
| TonyRomosBarAndGrill: OK yes, yes, we have every basic restaurant thing that most restaurants have. Do you have any actual suggestions |
| WittenForGodot: give money & gold to yr customers!!!!! throw them partys |
| TonyRomosBarAndGrill: sigh Anyone else |
| KingOfGarrettFlowers: I don't know, but just real quick, nobody's scoring points because we're busy talking about Tony's restaurant. |
| TonyRomosBarAndGrill: oh yeah, uh /looks around You! You there! Hello, sir! What's your name? |
| DontStopBaileyDan: oh hi my name is Dan Bailey |
| TonyRomosBarAndGrill: And how are you enjoying your meal? |
| DontStopBaileyDan: i like it just fine! my wifey ordered the shrimp platter with a delicious walnut salad, and i'm having the-- |
| TonyRomosBarAndGrill: Yes okay great, you are our 5 millionth customer tonight, and a gesture of our gratitude we are going to let you score all the points for the Dallas Cowboys tonight! |
| DontStopBaileyDan: oh well i just don't know about that, i don't know much about football, i'm just a regular fella who wanted to take his wifey out to a nice dinner andWHOA HEY |
| **OnlineHost** Tony Romo has shoved Dan Bailey out of the chatroom. | |
| TonyRomosBarAndGrill: problem solved |
| KingOfGarrettFlowers: Oh! Suggestion! Stop using flatware roll-ups. |
| TonyRomosBarAndGrill: But they make things a lot easier for my servers. Instead of grabbing everything individually and carefully arranging it, they can just grab all the silverware in the rolled-up napkin and chuck it on the table. |
| KingOfGarrettFlowers: A lot of things would make it easier for your servers, but Tony Romo's isn't an O'Charley's, you know? |
| TonyRomosBarAndGrill: Okay, yeah, you're probably right. |
| WittenForGodot: DO NOT bludjen yr cust'mers with yr rollin pin |
| DezNotCompute: Oh man. I've always wanted to run a restaurant. I think I'd be great at it. |
| DezNotCompute: I would start a pizza place where the pizza pies are actually triangle-shaped and you cut the slices into circles! |
| TonyRomosBarAndGrill: That's a pretty neat idea! |
| KingOfGarrettFlowers: You could also sell batteries on the menu. I'm always running out of batteries, and having them available for purchase to take home with me would sure be convenient. |
| DezNotCompute: That would give it a real batteries kind of vibe. I dig it. |
| **OnlineHost** Hours later... | |
| KingOfGarrettFlowers: Okay, so we will relocate every restaurant to the insides of abandoned water towers and call it the Food Orb and just hang raw food ingredients from the ceiling with fishing line |
| DezNotCompute: yes, and the customers will swim naked in jello and grasp at them desperately in the pitch darkness |
| KingOfGarrettFlowers: one lucky customer gets to be the Food Lord. he will be awarded a cloak and an ox femur and a throne and stuff |
| DezNotCompute: after about three hours of this, all the customers will be permitted to leave without paying |
| KingOfGarrettFlowers: i feel that the combination of low overhead expenses with nightly tributes to the Dark Lord Zuul makes this a can't-miss business venture |
| TonyRomosBarAndGrill: Guys, this... I'm trying not to be blunt, but this seems like the worst idea for a restaurant in the history of the world. |
| **OnlineHost** Dan Bailey has entered the chat room. | |
| DontStopBaileyDan: hey fellas! game's over! scored 18 points! |
| DontStopBaileyDan: kicked six field goals! ha! didn't think i could do it, but i did it! we won, 18-16! |
| TonyRomosBarAndGrill: wait, who are you again |
| KingOfGarrettFlowers: this isn't really a restaurant idea, but does anyone feel like putting a glass of water outside and seeing what will happen |
| DezNotCompute: it will evaporate |
| KingOfGarrettFlowers: oh |
| | |
Football Guys is a spinoff of The Dugout, a baseball-oriented series of cussy chat room conversations created in 2004 by Jon Bois, Brandon Stroud, and Nick Dallamora. You can read the latest installments of The Dugout at With Leather.
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