Fumblr: A world where Jay Cutler is friendly and thoughtful

Fumblr is the fake blogging platform that examines the NFL through invented memes. It runs every Wednesday.

I believe the pro wrestling term for this is “face turn.” Jay Cutler, the NFL’s premiere pissy-faced aloof dickhead, reveals that he’s actually -- GASP! -- a decent human being. Photos surface of Cutler holding the door for a woman carrying two large boxes. He starts smiling while signing autographs and high-fiving fans as he runs into the tunnel at halftime. On the way home from practice, he pulls over to help a man change the tire of his truck. “Don’t thank me,” he says, “just pay it forward.”

“I heard it was your birthday, so I baked you a cake.”

The sprinkler system made a surprise appearance during the Seahawks-Dolphins game, prompting this obvious but well-executed spoof:

(Yup. Still butthurt about that one.)

Quick note to Norv Turner: in the final games before you get fired, please do not absentmindedly finger your wattle. It frightens the children. Also, I’d prefer not to type “finger your wattle” ever again.

It has now been almost a week since the Jets’ Thanksgiving massacre, and I’m still fascinated by the second-quarter implosion. The Mark Sanchez butt-fumble gets all the attention, but it was merely the third of five touchdowns the Pats scored that quarter, and the second of three scored in less than a minute. Let’s relive it, shall we?

ENHANCE.

It’s not that the Jets are truly bad -- not the way that the Chiefs are. The Jets generally play solid defense and muddle their way past teams that are worse than they are. But they have a gift for channeling all of their potential incompetence and funneling it into narrow windows (see also: the 34-0 Week 4 loss at home to San Francisco). Against the Patriots, the Jets ran as many plays as their opponent (67) and gained over 400 yards of offense. But a minus-four turnover differential tends to swing a game in the other direction -- New England jumped to a 35-0 lead in the second quarter despite having possession for just over two minutes. A quick look at the play-by-play shows where things went wrong:

Jets fourth-and-1: Shonn Greene’s attempt to reach the first-down marker is swatted more than ten yards upfield and recovered by the Pats. Honestly, it was a pretty ridiculous and hilarious fumble, but viewers had no idea that it would be trumped so quickly.

Pats first-and-10: Swing pass to Shane Vereen goes 83 yards for a touchdown. Bart Scott was technically in pursuit, but only in the loosest sense of the word.

Kickoff to Jets, followed by an 11-yard completion on 1st-and-ten to move the chains.

Jets first-and-10: Sanchez turns left to hand the ball off as the running back goes past his right. Thinking quickly, Sanchez runs forward to avoid a big loss, then -- this part is speculation -- I think he starts to slide when he doesn’t see any daylight in the line. Until this point, it’s a relatively savvy handling of a broken play. After this point, his head bounces off guard Brandon Moore’s ass, he fumbles and Stephen Gregory scoops the ball up and takes it in for the score. The GIFs above capture it well, but there are more angles in the video here. I recommend them all.

Kickoff to Jets. Joe McKnight returns the kick to the 20-yard line, gets popped by Devin McCourty, and the ball lands directly in the hands of Julian Edelman, who scores without a Jet touching him.

Six plays, three turnovers, three Pats touchdowns in 53 seconds. Rex Ryan’s reaction:

I’m no lip-reader, but I know a swear word spliced into an adjective anywhere.

After a 56-yard bomb to Edelman made it a five-touchdown lead, the cameras -- God bless them -- went to the crowd.

“Jets fans in tiny hats” could easily be its own Fumblr, by the way.

Just because I already wasted a lot of words on the Jets doesn’t mean I’m going to pass on the chance for a McKayla Maroney Photoshop.

COME TO SHAVED CHEERLEADERS FOR ALL THE SEXIEST PICTURES OF HOT SHAVED CHEERLEADERS!

AWW YEAH GURL INVITE YO FRIEND!

(via)

YO GET THAT CRAZY-EYED BLUE HORSE IN ON THAT ACTION.

[ejaculates dollars for cancer research]

People with podcasts are AWFUL. One day the person you know and like is a normal person with thoughts and observations, then they get a podcast and everything is all “podcast this” and “podcast that.”

“My guest for the podcast today is...”

“About to tape my podcast!”

“Had a blast recording my podcast! Look for it on iTunes tomorrow!”

“If you get a chance, review my podcast on iTunes!”

Ugh. So yes, that’s the world I’ve entered. Uffsides, my NFL podcast, streams live with a different guest every Tuesday at noon right here on SB Nation. If you miss it, you can watch the replay on YouTube at your leisure, OR download it from iTunes in audio or video form.

Now let us never speak of it again. (Until next week!)

Nope. Not until Mark Sanchez finishes his elegant performance art installation.