Let’s face it: Today’s movies are mostly mediocre. In the past few years we’ve seen 10,000 superhero movies that are all basically the same movie, every six months there’s a different biopic that’s pretty good but not as good as everyone says, and the whole Hollywood machine just sort of creeps along, thinning our wallets 12 dollars at a time.
THE LIST: Why Rob Gronkowski would be the greatest movie star in history
Hollywood needs a hero. Hollywood needs Rob Gronkowski.
Jim Rogash
You know what could change everything?
A star.
A superstar.
A force of personality that wins over the whole world.
For instance, they re-made Red Dawn recently. What an awful idea. Why would anyone ever re-make Red Dawn? On the other hand, if you re-made Red Dawn with Rob Gronkowski as the star... See what we’re saying? Without further ado, here’s a handful of movies that Hollywood should make immediately.
Zero Gronk Thirty — The party bus took a wrong turn in Pakistan, and then ... The untold story of how America took down the most wanted terrorist in the world.
The Gronkshank Redemption — A probing look at justice, friendship, and faith. And life, really. Rob Gronkowski co-stars with Mark Wahlberg.
Ray — Scene-for-scene remake, with Rob Gronkowski playing Jamie Foxx's role.
Beverly Hills Gronk — Gronk plays by his own rules in Detroit, but when he gets to Beverly Hills, he finds out they're playing a whole different game.
Beverly Hills Gronk 2 — 170 minutes of Gronk trying to solve a crime at the Playboy Mansion.
Beverly Hills Gronk 3 — WHO KILLED UNCLE DAVE?
American History Gronk -- The American Revolution, re-imagined with the Gronkowski brothers playing the role of our Founding Fathers. Directed by Oliver Stone.
Fried Gronk Tomatoes — Rob Gronkowski is a tomato farmer with a drinking problem, and the walls are closing in. Like Flight, but better.
Drumline 2 — Everything's going great for Devon Miles (Nick Cannon) at Southern University until his senior year, when a reckless freshman named Gronk picks up a trombone and divides the team. Can the band survive?
The Adventures of Milo and Otis and Gronk — Milo is a cat, Otis is a pug, and Rob Gronkowski is a 6'6 270 pound NFL tight end. Watch them take on the world and become best friends along the way.
Four Brothers — The Gronkowski brothers are given $20,000 worth of ecstasy and sent to Las Vegas. A documentary narrated by Werner Herzog.
No Country for Old Gronk -- A clerical error with the department of immigration has the United States trying to deport a tomato farmer from Georgia (Robert Gronkowski), and we watch for 190 minutes as he tries to fight bureaucracy armed with nothing but a shotgun and an American flag.
Sex, Gronk, and Videotape — There's a Belichick sextape, and everyone who's seen it has died instantly. It's up to Gronk to destroy it before the Super Bowl. (Adaptation of The Ring).
Patriot Games — When an ex-NFL star joins the CIA and agrees to investigate a Columbian drug assassination, he uncovers a conspiracy that goes much, much higher. The NFL commissioner thinks he has the whole world fooled. Gronk knows the truth.
Don't Tell Gronk The Babysitter's Dead — In this searing look at euthanasia and the morality therein, Rob Gronkowski plays a doctor who refuses to pull the plug on a 24 year-old babysitter who's slipped into a coma.
Gronk! You Stole My Car — Memphis Raines is back, as Nicolas Cage teams up with his FBI agent older brother (Rob Gronkowski) in this scintillating sequel to Gone in 60 Seconds.
Requiem for a Gronk — Gronkowski's grittiest role yet. He digs deep to portray a heroin addict headed down the wrong path who begins a torrid love affair with Rachel (Sandra Bullock), the social worker who won't give up on him. Can Rachel save him before her husband finds out?
Fantastic Mr. Gronk — A cartoon fox (Gronkowski) just wants to rage hard at all the fox clubs, but first he needs to outwit Farmer Belichick, the man with a plot to poison all the animals left on planet earth.
Good Gronk Hunting — He's a boy genius, but he's lost. Lost on a hunting trip, and nobody can find him. Now he and his best friend have to fight their way through the wild like Liam Neeson in The Grey. (Starring Rob Gronkowski, Casey Affleck).
Ernest and Gronk Go to Camp and Break Stuff — There's a sleepaway camp full of MEAN KIDS, and it's Gronk's job to show up and destroy everything.
Jurassic Gronk (3D) — Rob Gronkowski fights dinosaurs for three hours and 30 minutes.
...And those are just few ideas for now. Feel free to add your own in the comments, because any Rob Gronkowski movie would be 10,000 times better than Lincoln. Right?
LET’S DO IT.
Jim Rogash/Getty Images
