By now, you’ve heard of the New Orleans Saints’ “Bounty system,” in which players were discreetly rewarded with brand-name paper towel products.
The Milwaukee Planets Employ The ‘Brawny System’
We should have known that this was the tip of the iceberg. After listening in on the official chat room of the Milwaukee Planets, the 33rd-best team in the NFL, we learn that they are indeed plotting a “Brawny system.” The seedy details are after the jump.
**Online Host** | |
| DomAndCaper: okeydoke listen fellas, we gotta come up with a new system |
| SenecacheNewYork: can we stop running the 3-4 offense |
| DomAndCaper: never |
| DomAndCaper: what's we gonna do is, we is gonna make sure keep a clean locker room |
 | DomAndCaper: got too dang many crumbs around here, it's gonna attract mice an' that's fine with me so long as you fellas are okay with creepin' around the locker room, holdin' upside-down pails an' blowin' mouse whistles, tryin' a' catch 'em |
 | FredIsMoot: Wait, what's a mouse whistle? |
| DomAndCaper: coffee stirrer |
| FredIsMoot: you are an idiot |
 | SenecacheNewYork: you are terrible at catching mice |
| DomAndCaper: i had just about dang enough o' y'all tryin' to bumblebee me off m' train o' thought where was |
| DomAndCaper: OH! yes. problem is, we eat grahamcookies in the locker room and we're leavin' grahamcookie crumbs all over |
| DomAndCaper: been hearin' about other teams doin' it and it's about time we did too. we're gonna use the Brawny system |
| DomAndCaper: Brawny is easily the most soft and absorbent consumer-grade paper towel product on the market gonna keep a roll here at the door. whenever ya spill ya grahamcookies ya just GRAB ONE AN' CLEAN IT UP! |
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DomAndCaper: SPIC AN' SPAN! PRESTO-CHANGE-O! LICKETYSPLIT! DIME A DOZEN! /dusts off hands |
| FredIsMoot: uh i think you're |
| DomAndCaper: /continues to dust off hands |
| FredIsMoot: are you talking about the bounty system were you trying to imitate the bounty system |
| DomAndCaper: i uh /dusts hands with greater vigor than before |
| SenecacheNewYork: how are you our coach |
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FredIsMoot: why are we chatting in a proprietary chat room application, it's the year 2012, why isn't it some pre-existing web-based thing like Google Chat
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SenecacheNewYork: why are we called the Planets, that's the dumbest name
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FredIsMoot: why are we the fifth team in the NFC North, why would they even split up the divisions that way
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DomAndCaper: /stops "dusting off hands" motion, turns up palms, stares at them, bugs eyes
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| SenecacheNewYork: what are grahamcookies |
Milwaukee Planets is a spinoff of The Dugout, a baseball-oriented series of cussy chat room conversations created in 2004 by Jon Bois, Brandon Stroud, and Nick Dallamora. You can read the latest installments of The Dugout at With Leather.
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