Hey everyone, have a good conference championship weekend? Revel in the Patriots losing? Enjoy the Niners’ thrilling comeback? Well, I’m about to blow your minds with a shocking revelation in this special edition of Takeaways. I’m going to make Deadspin look like Pravda by the time I’m done.
TAKEAWAYS: The Pro Bowl Does Not Exist
Wake up, sheeple. There is no such thing as the Pro Bowl. Robert Wheel exposes the truth about the Pro Bowl in this exclusive bombshell.
Kent Nishimura
Last month, I got a tip from NFL.com that Aaron Rodgers questioned the existence of the Pro Bowl. After years of speculation Rodgers confirmed what most of us believe: the Pro Bowl is fake.
For years we’ve suspected it. Every year after the Super Bowl the NFL would promise us that we’d get one extra game. So they’d put on the “Pro Bowl,” a purported all-star game that got great ratings even though the product was subpar. Why were the best players in the league playing so poorly? Nobody could tell us.
I never trusted the Pro Bowl, not even as a boy. I remember once Michael Irvin played the game in a Falcons helmet because “he left his Cowboys helmet at home.” Likely story; some producer probably made a careless mistake. I remember Robert Edwards injuring his knee and ruining his career in a beach football game played before the Pro Bowl. Maybe he got too close to the truth. The pass was thrown by league stooge Peyton Manning, probably to take Edwards out of commission. But I had no proof.
But that was until muckrakers like Peter King started asking questions. Why are you playing this so-called all-star game so far away from the fans? Is this just an excuse to go to a tropical location? So in 2009 NFL “Commissioner” Roger Goodell put the game in Miami for everyone to see. Everyone seemed happy.
But then he moved it back to Hawaii, and ... well, just look at the facts. I don’t know anyone who’s ever gone to the game there. Do you?
Sure the Pro Bowl rents out a fancy Hawaii stadium but I haven’t seen a certificate of occupancy. The laggards who play in the game don’t have the work ethic that we’re used to. They seem like a bunch of Kenyan socialists to me.
And we all know all the stories from the mainstream media about the Pro Bowl can be faked just as easily as a birth certificate. There’s video of the game, but there’s video of the moon landing too. And we’ve learned that we can never trust that a Hawaiian is real.
Face facts: the Pro Bowl does not exist.
Welcome to the other side of the looking glass.
Think about everyone who has to gain from faking the Pro Bowl:
- The players, who don't have to risk their precious bodies in an actual football game.
- The folks at Big Mai Tai because they get a bunch of sportswriters, who never met a drink they couldn't expense, trips to Hawaii.
- Tommy Bahama, which makes 400 square feet of menswear for Chris Berman every January.
- The fatcat owners, who get fatcat money from fatcat TV ratings.
And finally, who’s the most powerful Hawaiian you know? A man who went to its ritziest school, who has secret meetings there every December, who loves watching football even when it’s terrible (he’s a Bears fan).
That’s right, the President of the United States of America. This thing goes to the top, people.
There’s no telling who else is involved. The Illuminati? The Trilateral Commission? The RAND Corporation? Everything is within the realm of possibility.
I don’t know about you, but I’m done being a sheep. I’m going to make sure everyone knows that there is no Pro Bowl. Keep vigilant, and check SB Nation for updates on this breaking story.
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