Fumblr: There is totally crying in football
This week in fake social media: Knowshon Moreno’s river of tears, fantasy bloodbaths, karmic groin trauma, and more.
More than twenty years have passed since A League of Their Own portrayed women’s baseball in the 1940s, and despite the fictional portrayal and the decades gone by, Tom Hanks’s exasperated “There’s no crying in baseball!” is a lasting touchstone of the masculine ideal in sports.
A lot has changed since then, at least in football. From Dick Vermeil to Ray Lewis to Tom Brady to Brett Favre, crying is for champions. It is no longer a sign of wussitude for a man to be in touch with his emotions, as evidenced by everyone watching Pixar movies and my recent tears while during Anna Kendrick's performance of "Don't You (Forget About Me)" during Pitch Perfect.
And so I’m hear to cheer Knowshon Moreno’s next-level waterworks during the National Anthem on Sunday:
(via @bubbaprog/mocksession)
In a departure from the standard locker room tough-guyisms, Moreno’s teammates supported his emotional showing:
"The [tears] are actually toughness," said Montee Ball. "I see it all the time. He does it in practice and he does it in games. It is all heart, it is his passion for the game. It is massive. We all feed off that energy. A lot of stuff sets him off. He just brings that energy when we need it." [Yahoo]
YES. Thank you, Montee Ball. I’m sure the stoic leader still has a place in the 21st century, but personally -- as someone who cries at iPhone commercials, Pixar movies, thoughts of my dog getting older, and cheesy musical comedies -- I’m more inclined to feel connected to an athlete who experiences real emotion, even if his emotions trigger anime-like floods from his tear ducts.
I am genuinely concerned about that kind of output. No one’s tear ducts should produce that kind of volume unless they’re rioting for social change. Stay hydrated, ‘Shon.
Anyway, this is a column about memes, so let’s get to them, starting with the best:
Following the pre-kickoff tears, Moreno produced some military-grade low-crawling (via Deadspin, below), which was subsequently tweaked by Deadspin commenter Nick Pants.
As someone who’s done his share of low-crawling, I can say that Moreno’s got decent form. He’ll need to keep his right elbow lower if he wants to get under barbed wire, though.
fantasydisasters.fumblr.com
Hi. I'm the guy who sat Eric Decker.
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) December 2, 2013 It gets worse... For Nate Burleson (0 catches)
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) December 2, 2013 (And it may cause me to miss the playoffs)
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) December 2, 2013 Week 13 was notable for an explosion of gaudy stat lines that skewed fantasy results on the final week of matchups before the fantasy playoffs. To wit:
- Peyton Manning: 403 yards, 5 TDs, 2 INTs
- Josh Gordon: 261 yards, 2 TDs
- Alshon Jeffery: 249 yards, 2 TDs
- Eric Decker: 174, 4 TDs
- Adrian Peterson: 211 yards
- Ben Tate: 102 yards rushing, 3 TDs
- DeMarco Murray: 102 yards from scrimmage, 3 TDs
As someone who lost the chance at a first-round bye because my opponent started Decker and Murray, I felt the sting of those breakout games, but I knew there were more glorious bloodbaths. I put the call out on Twitter, and people responded with some terrific blowouts. These are my favorites:
Jacob chose to start Le'Veon Bell over Ben Tate, a tactical error that cost him approximately 18 points and the narrow victory you see above.
What's the record for most points scored in a single fantasy matchup? pic.twitter.com/fuMf7q76dC
— Alex Welch (@alex__welch) December 3, 2013 Alex hit the wide receiver trifecta, and added Rob Gronkowski’s 127 yards and a touchdown to rub it in.
My favorite fantasy blowout of Week 13, though, is the screen shot below from Chris Wilson, who wrote: "This is what happens when you get an 'A' from Yahoo for your draft."
It should be noted that Bill's Glorious Team would have been a little more glorious if Bill hadn't left Alshon Jeffery on the bench. Those are the kind of decisions you get to make when Calvin Johnson is your flex play.
ClevelandFrowns.fumblr.com
Cleveland Frowns is already a well-maintained Browns blog run by an ardent fan, but I'm cribbing the name for this Photoshop:
Sorry about the Jaguars game, Cleveland. And I'm sorry about Brandon Weeden. And I'm sorry about Alex Tanney. I'm just so, so sorry. Next year will be better, I promise.
Manningface.fumblr.com
(GIFs via @xmasape)
The Giants came away with a win on Sunday night because the Redskins went full slapstick, but not before Eli Manning produced a pair of vintage Eli GIFs. Who would play Manning in the Eli biopic? I say Haley Joel Osment.
penistackles.fumblr.com
(via KSK)
It is Fumblr's responsibility to weigh in on all football matters that pertain to genitals and/or butts, and here we have Vernon Davis tackled by the, uh, bait and tackle, as it were. Davis would later tweet, "It should be a league rule saying that a defender can not tackle a player by his penis" and call it "The most painful thing ever!" to which I say: (A) maybe wearing a cup would be easier than enacting a rule about penis tackles, and (B) Davis has clearly never passed a kidney stone.
Also, if you’re a believer in team-wide groin karma, Davis’s crank yank was merely payback for Aldon Smith’s field goal attempt on Robert Griffin III’s scrotum.
Now that's what I call a QUARTERBACK SACK!!! (*boards rocket to moon*)
— Matt Ufford (@mattufford) November 26, 2013 Clowneywatch.fumblr.com
Remember when Jadeveon Clowney was going to be the surefire #1 pick in the 2014 NFL Draft? We were all so young then! Now he's only going to be, like, a top-five pick. What a fraud.
Anyway, the new clubhouse leaders for the first pick in next year's draft are the Houston Texans! Congratulations, Texans, on losing ten games in a row despite a solid running game and the best defensive player in the league. That couldn't have been easy.
Of course, be sure to tune in to the NFL Network on Thursday night for the Clowneywatchiest game of the year: Texans-Jaguars II: The Battle for Bridgewater. Should be fun*!
*awful
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