NFL Draft hopefuls as Valentine’s Day boyfriends

It’s Valentine’s Day so you know what that means! You do know what that means, right? Because I totally know what that means. I know a lot about girls and Valentines day and relationships just like all of us men do. I definitely do have a date tonight. Definitely.

Sure, I know about girls but I’m asking if you do just so we can compare notes and I will see if you got it right. Today is the day when you tell your girlfriend or boyfriend that you “like like” them and then pass out cards with a single chalk candy taped to the back. They say clever things like “Your love is out of this WORLD!” and has a pink spaceship traveling to a heart-shaped planet in the outer reaches of space. This is my working knowledge of Valentine’s day.

And just like the rest of us, many football players will also be celebrating on this day of love. Because even if we see them as sports heroes, to someone out there they are just a “sweetie” or a “honeypie.” Here are a few players that will be NFL hopefuls in April and what kind of a man they are, based on what we know of those hopes.

Let’s check in with these cutie pies.

He flirted with you and made your heart flutter, even though he was already in a relationship. He promised that he would end it and commit to you, but when you went to go meet him at Denny’s, standing in the rain with a rose in your hand looking all cute, he never showed.

Then months later out of the blue you get a text. It’s from him. “Hey, sorry about everything that happened before. I was really confused. Now I know where I really belong! xoxo” Well, there won’t be any “xoxo” from you, you just text “Haha, you’re crazy” which is really sort of the confusing mixed signal you want to send. Forget this boy! You’ll just lead him on for awhile, nothing serious is going to happen.

You’ll let him back into your life. Barely.

Everyone is telling you that he’s better for you. He gives you the security that makes you feel like you’re always wrapped up in a warm blanket, and his bear huge is delightful. There’s very little chance that this guy will ever love you and leave you - only love.

Except that sometimes you feel like a warm blanket, and sometimes you feel like standing naked in a snowstorm. Luke is such a great guy, but Geno takes chances. Geno is a risk-taker. Geno is...

Geno Smith

His promises are inconsistent. One day he’ll sweep you off your feet and really make you feel like a proper lady, but then other days he’s just going to leave you out in the cold. Crying, desperate, alone, and giving Taylor Swift full control of your iPod.

Your mom calls and tells you that you’ve got to go back to Luke, but you want a little bit of a lot of excitement in your life. Geno gives you the excitement and makes you feel alive inside.

Even if “feeling alive” means going 2-14.

Tyler Wilson

Nobody really wants to end up with Duckie. But he’s always good for a new mixtape.

You’re walking through the club, minding your own business and trying to carry back a pair of drinks for you and your date. You’ve got a Budweiser (not a Bud Light because you think even that’s a little too sissy, you want to show you’re a real American man) but she wanted a cosmo. Not a problem except that this place is elbow to elbo- damn it. Some jerk bumps into you and even when you shout “Hey!” he just gives a feint “Sorry pal” and walks into the crowd of people.

You haven’t even noticed that the cosmo spilled all over the back of some girl with a perm and a white dress.

“Oh my God, look what you did!!”

“Sorry, it was that guy, he bumped into me.”

“When my boyfriend gets back, he’s going to kick. your. ass.”

“What it was an accident.”

You bend down to pick up the glass and then when you get down there you just see two of the largest feet you’ve ever seen. You slowly raise up without ever lifting your head to actually look into the eyes of the beast, you just hope that it’s a decorative totem instead. Nope, it’s a man. A giant man. In your squeakiest voice you utter, “This wouldn’t be your boyfriend, would it?”

“Mmm-hmmm” she replies.

Bjoern Werner.

Manti Te’o

[Inserts a Manti Te’o joke]