HBO’s Hard Knocks used to make for fascinating television. Cameras would follow an NFL team through their August training camp as players on the Mendoza line of their pro football dreams fought hard to find a roster spot. Along the way, HBO’s cameras would also pick up candid pieces of life in the NFL; coaches were raw and profane and superstar athletes were unguarded. Both were frequently at odds with their public personas. It was fascinating, and a rare example of how broadcast television can carefully manipulate voyeurism into journalism.
Hard Knocks Episode 1 recap: The Boring Crusade
SB Nation senior reporter and Atlanta Falcons fan Steven Godfrey recaps the premiere episode of HBO’s NFL series “Hard Knocks.”
Dale Zanine-USA TODAY Sports
Now it sucks, because that’s what the NFL does to honest portrayals of its product. As Hard Knocks grew in popularity so too did invisible, unfounded concerns about distractions from team executives. The pool of teams willing to allow HBO in dried up, and now to entice franchises the network gives final editorial cut to the teams themselves under the guise of “competitive balance concerns.“
The Falcoholic
Be forewarned; this year of Hard Knocks will shape up to be the most boringest ever not solely because of the Falcons, but they won't help. This is a franchise desperate to get "tough," a word used over 25 times in 60 minutes during the debut episode. The phrase has been so oft repeated that the local media have even gone so far as to declare it a "toughness crusade" back to playoff eligibility. But at the end of the day, Smith gets final cut of this show. If you aren't a Falcons fan you might not truly appreciate the boredom of Smith. Last season the Falcons' website ran a video series of Smith getting coffee at a local McDonalds at 5 a.m. That was it, each week: Gettin' coffee before dawn, talkin' about football and life. And coffee.
It doesn't really matter if you're a fan of whichever team Hard Knocks ends up with, since you're getting the same five episodes as the season before. This year it's the Atlanta Falcons, a team that in the post-Michael Vick era balanced consistent success with a ferocious amount of boredom until injuries and coaching imploded the team in 2013. Since 2007 the Falcons have been intentionally boring because of the gaffes during the Vick era and before, and this boredom is rooted in head coach Mike Smith, possibly the league's most boring head coach (and yes we've seen Joe Philbin being interviewed).
Also, you already saw this episode of “Hard Knocks” before it ever aired. Observe:
1. The humble draft pick finding his first apartment! It's the #humble #blessed #trope that's supposed to show us how achieving the dream of being drafted into the NFL ends with $1,200 a month in rent and a free fitness center membership. Remember last season's heartwarming tale of rookie running back Giovani Bernard signing a lease inside a completely empty, white-walled apartment? Now it's rookie running back Devonta Freeman doing the exact same thing!
2. The boring rookie talent show! This segment is what pisses off everyone about Hard Knocks. We know we're seeing a watered down version of reality because of the team's editorial control. Untelevised NFL rookie talent shows are assuredly more foul, inappropriate and boorish than what ends up airing HBO. Case in point: Hard Knocks filmed during the Richie Incognito-era Dolphins locker room of wanton homophobic bullying and the audience never even noticed. This year was no different: We saw some guys singing bad country music and then Roddy White threw garbage at them. Thank you, Roddy.
3. The veteran player showing off his McMansion! Don't let Kroy Biermann's bizarre looking living room and bizarre looking reality TV star wife take anything away from safety William Moore's house. He bought it because a two-story palm tree was growing in the middle of it. And if properly nourished in a controlled climate, a palm tree's lifespan is that of four basic cable reality stars.
4. The training camp fights! Mere minutes after HBO framed Biermann as an injury-riddled sidepiece to The Real Housewives of Atlanta, cameras followed him picking a fistfight with rookie right tackle Jake Matthews and being branded as the one guy on the whole roster you wouldn't want to fistfight. This has to be either the worst editing sequence in Hard Knocks history of evidence of just how dire Atlanta's "toughness crusade" really is.
5. The undrafted rookie struggling to make the team Actually, this didn’t happen. Isn’t this supposed to always happen? The emotional core of Hard Knocks has always centered around a third-string fullback America falls in love with for four weeks and then forgets forever. Given the amount of injuries on this squad, it’s safe to assume we’ll see a heavy dose of undrafted rookies in the coming weeks.
Best of the Week: Three-way tie (Roddy White, Bryan Cox, Mike Tice) They might’ve been hired as a cliche, but new defensive line coach Bryan Cox and new offensive line coach Mike Tice (“I tell these guys, I really don’t give a fuck if you had a good offseason.”) are absolute joys to witness in otherwise forgettable segments. As a player Cox was fined for spitting on fans and threatening officials with bodily harm. Now he’s a cranky old man who coaches defensive lineman. Meanwhile, it took HBO 17 minutes, 24 seconds to introduce White, the tiny provocateur soul in the heart of this boring organization. If America is going to slog through five hours of this, White has to be ubiquitous.
Since 2007 the Falcons have been intentionally boring and this boredom is rooted in head coach Mike Smith, possibly the league's most boring head coach.
Worst of the Week: Mike Smith trying to swear. How awkward was Steven Jackson's obvious "Hey, we're on TV" speech to Freeman? Not as bad as the single, seemingly choreographed f-bomb from Smith, who acknowledged before filming that viewers would see a tougher side of his personality. We've become connoisseurs of sports personalities screaming "fuck," but this one felt like it was read off a cue card. Runner up: Harry Douglas' screen time. Douglas is famous for falling down on a wide open pass play that would've sealed the Falcons' trip to the Super Bowl in 2012. Every second he's on TV, two things happen: remembering this, and Roddy White not being on TV.
And finally, a 150-word New Orleans Saints' fan's tl;dr guide to Hard Knocks
Me: Hey, do you want to help me recap Hard Knocks?
Noted New Orleans Saints Twitter rabble rouser @AngryWhoDat: ABSOLUTELY.
Me: Great, you get exactly 150 words.
Angry Who Dat: No problem!
Falcons hit each other in the face. Harry Douglas wears women’s deodorant and believes in astrology. Featured: a man named “Bear” doing rodeos. John Elway is the Madonna of football. How much did those set Kroy back?
Me: Wait, wait, wait: Is that a boob joke?
Angry Who Dat: Yeah that’s definitely a joke about his wife’s fake breasts. Should I find a different 7 words to replace that?
Me: Eh, she’s on Real Housewives. I’ll allow it, although the better joke is about that couch. Continue.
“So many people dream of just one ring” - Roddy White. Kenny Vaccaro is to blame for all 12 losses. Mike Tice is the Craig T. Nelson of Craig T. Nelsons. Face hitting. Bryan Cox suggests you treat the opposition as you would nipples. Teammates had to Google Peria Jerry. Now toughness is to blame for 2013. 12 losses: none of them due to pathetic offense, turnovers, a porous defense - just toughness. Do some Oklahoma Drills, HUSTLE!, call me in the morning. Everything will be ok.
Actual exchange:
“What’s wrong, big dog?” - a running back
“He hit me.” - another running back
Only nine words left!
This team is a joke. I can’t wait. Tough.
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