Imagine you started following the NFL last Thursday, and everything you know about football is precisely what happened on the field through Monday. The first, simplest and most important statistic in football is the scoreboard, and by that measure you'd start gearing up for the Miami Dolphins (13-point victors) to play the Tennessee Titans (16-point victors) for the right to take on the Minnesota Vikings (28-point victors) in the Super Bowl.
NFL Watchability Index, Week 2: This means nothing, this means everything
The NFL is a mixed-up place after one week. Are the Vikings the best team in football? No, but maybe!
Jasen Vinlove-USA TODAY Sports
That sounds absurd, but even if we allow your brain to utilize a bit more of its capability, it's hard not to tab those teams as the most impressive of Week 1. The New England Patriots and Kansas City Chiefs -- defeated by the Dolphins and Titans, respectively -- went a combined 23-9 last season. The St. Louis Rams, deposed by the Vikings, went a woeful 7-9, but didn't suffer a beating as bad as the one they took Sunday. And the Vikings hadn't won a game by so much since 2009, when they went 12-4 during the regular season and ultimately fell to the New Orleans Saints in the NFC Championship.
Now go ahead and use all 10 percent of the brain cells you can access. You know that football is a goofball sport full of odd bounces, small samples sizes and statistical anomalies. The Vikings, Dolphins and Titans were 26, 27 and 29, respectively, in SB Nation’s inaugural power rankings. Power rankings aren’t scientific, but they’re well-educated in this case. Based on recent history and what these teams did in the offseason, those teams should be pretty bad, and one week of real football is still an outlier when stacked against months of evidence to the contrary.
And yet, there’s the scoreboard. Of course, we don’t know anything yet. But there’s a chance that we already know everything and we just can’t be sure. In either case, you better watch.
Thursday, Sept. 11
Pittsburgh Steelers at Baltimore Ravens, 8:25 p.m. ET -- CBS/NFL Network
It's one of the best rivalries in football, but neither team may be particularly good this season. The Ravens made Joe Flacco throw 62 times last week, and the result was a mediocre performance and a home loss to the Cincinnati Bengals. The Steelers, meanwhile, almost choked away the second half to what we think will be a bad Cleveland Browns team. Two potential "eh" teams that hate each other?
Rating: 3/5
Sunday, Sept. 14
Miami Dolphins at Buffalo Bills, 1 p.m. ET -- CBS
It’s sad that this game occurs during Week 2. Both teams took their first steps toward breakout campaigns in Week 1, and a midseason meeting with unexpected AFC East title implications would have made for fine drama. We may still get that matchup on Nov. 13, but one of these teams will get its good vibes dowsed this week.
As it stands, this game falls more neatly into the “curiosity” category. Interesting to watch as long as it’s good, but easily eschewed if the action lacks.
Rating: 3/5
Jacksonville Jaguars at Washington, 1 p.m. ET -- CBS
Chad Henne is being urged to chuck the ball downfield more often, which is a big win for all involved. For Jags fans, the plan will either be successful and help Jacksonville win more games, or it will fail and help usher in the Blake Bortles era. For curious outsiders, the plan will make the team's offensive possessions infinitely more interesting, good or bad.
But Washington is an ugly team at the moment. Robert Griffin III was efficient last week, but rather conservative. Meanwhile, Washington's special teams were intent to torpedo any chance of competing against the Houston Texans.
Rating: 1/5
Dallas Cowboys at Tennessee Titans, 1 p.m. ET -- FOX
Tony Romo is burying himself. Last Sunday, his late-game yips migrated to the first half, which was pretty funny to a lot of people, but presents a big problem for the Cowboys. Romo maybe/sorta found his groove late against the San Francisco 49ers, but only after the game had essentially been decided. The biggest issue is whether his back is healthy. A few lollipop passes suggest maybe not.
But outside of another chapter in Romo's years-long odyssey to defeat a meme, there isn't that much to see here. The Titans look like the better team, but watching Shonn Greene rumble and Jake Locker remake himself as Alex Smith isn't particularly exciting.
Rating: 2/5
Arizona Cardinals at New York Giants, 1 p.m. ET -- FOX
The Giants are in trouble if last Monday night was an accurate depiction of the team. Nothing went right against the Detroit Lions, unless the Giants want to pat themselves on the back for slowing down the Lions' running game while giving up significant air miles. Eli Manning and Jason Pierre-Paul regressed in 2013, and both mirrored their dismal performances from a year ago against Detroit. The Cardinals' defense, meanwhile, is potentially one the league's best. The Giants may be lucky to stay within shouting distance.
Rating: 3/5
New England Patriots at Minnesota Vikings, 1 p.m. ET -- CBS
The Vikings might be good! The Patriots might be bad! This has a chance to be the best cross-conference matchup of the weekend. Both teams are in that fuzzy state that occurs when one week completely alters your beliefs about them. Now the mind is racing, entertaining thoughts that it shouldn’t entertain after one week -- Mike Zimmer on a podium in Glendale, Bill Belichick by himself on a bus out of town. This is silly, but unavoidable. By the time Sunday rolls around, fans will be a wreck.
Then the Pats will probably win. But if not -- HOO boy.
Rating: 4/5
New Orleans Saints at Cleveland Browns, 1 p.m. ET -- FOX
Just what, exactly, the Browns are is unclear. In the first half against the Steelers last week, they looked exactly like the doormat everyone thought they might be. In their failed second-half comeback attempt, they looked honed. Maybe blame the Steelers’ lethargy, but the Browns’ defense was dominant and the offense was proficient.
Hosting the Saints will be a great litmus test. New Orleans will be galvanized off a tough loss to a division rival. It was odd seeing Rob Ryan’s defense so befuddled. Play cards, beware.
Rating: 3/5
Atlanta Falcons at Cincinnati Bengals, 1 p.m. ET -- CBS
How dare you give up on Matt Ryan. Of course, he would be much better with healthy weapons and an upgraded offensive line. Maybe you didn’t foresee 448 yards and 37 points against a defense that held the Falcons to 30 total points across two meetings last season, but there was good reason to expect progression to the solid mean Ryan set across his first five seasons in the NFL.
The Bengals are also cruising into Sunday off an all-important division victory. They appear to have the balance on both sides of the ball to be a dangerous team in the AFC. Both teams may be much better than anyone gave them credit for before the season began.
Rating: 4/5
Detroit Lions at Carolina Panthers, 1 p.m. ET -- FOX
A Cam Newton-Matt Stafford duel could be a fun one -- they’re two of the league’s better improvisers, and both stridently abide by the “let’s go have fun out there” ethos. Can Kelvin Benjamin out-Megatron Megatron? Well, no. But he looks pretty good, too!
Rating: 4/5
St. Louis Rams at Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 4:05 p.m. ET -- FOX
The Buccaneers have been fretting about the pass rush this week. They'll really worry if they can't get any pressure on Austin Davis a week after the Rams gave up five sacks. The Rams should count on harassing Josh McCown and the Bucs' running backs all game. You should anticipate a bad game, since this contest is likely to own the least combined offense award by day's end.
Rating: 1/5
Seattle Seahawks at San Diego Chargers, 4:05 p.m. ET -- FOX
Take the Seahawks out of Seattle and they may be mortal, but the Chargers don't look like the team to beat them, at least not after Week 1. A one-point loss to the Cardinals probably would not have been that close if not for a few helpful bounces. Then again, when has it ever been easy to predict what the hell the Chargers are going to do from week to week? A wounded Philip Rivers can be a dangerous thing.
Rating: 4/5
Houston Texans at Oakland Raiders, 4:25 p.m. ET -- CBS
No Jadeveon Clowney, but J.J. Watt is a helluva sport who will make sure to put on a show for those tuning in to see a rookie quarterback get planted. Derek Carr was admirable behind center against the New York Jets, but he'll get more and more attention from defenses as long as a running game behind Maurice Jones-Drew and Darren McFadden remains broken.
Rating: 2/5
New York Jets at Green Bay Packers, 4:25 p.m. ET -- CBS
Okay, let’s see what the Packers look like at some place that isn’t CenturyLink Field.
Rating: 3/5
Kansas City Chiefs at Denver Broncos, 4:25 p.m. ET -- CBS
Plus points for a division rivalry, but these games weren't all that great last season and the Chiefs are limping into the weekend. Still mildly interesting because Peyton Manning deserves that, at the very least.
Rating: 3/5
Chicago Bears at San Francisco 49ers, 8:30 p.m. ET -- NBC
The Bears are going to be involved in a lot of spectacular games this season. They have too much horsepower on offense not to gawk at them, and it remains to be seen whether Jay Cutler is the vessel to handle it. They may be a V8 in a go-kart, and if so the 49ers are the team to exploit that as well as anyone. Frank Gore and Carlos Hyde will almost certainly exploit a front seven that doesn't seem to have improved against the run despite so many offseason adjustments. The Bears will either roar or blow up on the track. Of course you should watch.
Rating: 4/5
Monday, Sept. 15
Philadelphia Eagles at Indianapolis Colts, 8:30 p.m. ET -- ESPN
Thank goodness the Eagles rectified their offensive woes in the second half last week, because as a purveyor of watchable football, I believe it is a good thing when Chip Kelly's offense is working like it should. And thank goodness Andrew Luck is still a late-game maestro. There will be points. There should be drama. The best game of the week is on Monday night, and that may be the last time we can say that this season.
Rating: 5/5
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