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NFL Watchability Index, Week 3: Are we crazy?
There was a time once when you really enjoyed the NFL. You haven’t lost your mind. You can still enjoy it again.
Ron Chenoy-USA TODAY Sports
WELP RT @SBNation: Today's http://t.co/2aNMqUj5Zg cover: Another day of NFL news. pic.twitter.com/cgYv8lMuF1
— Louis Bien (@louisbien) September 17, 2014 That screenshot is Adrian Peterson-centric, but I don't want to give you the impression that he was the only man to dominate headlines this week. There was more on Ray Rice, who filed an appeal this week and will soon get a hearing. There was more on Greg Hardy, who was placed in the same purgatory with pay as Peterson. There was Jonathan Dwyer allegedly committing yet another unspeakable act -- and at this point forgive us if we're already anticipating the worst. The past couple weeks have conditioned us in ways we never wanted. The weekend is beginning to feel like the side show.
It isn’t. You like this sport. You’re not crazy. If you enjoyed anything last season you can probably enjoy it this season. The people who are in charge of things are in charge for no other reason than because they can be, and they may not ever go away, but they can’t completely screw up what happens on the field.
I want you to know that the upcoming week of football is pretty good, and there will be some tremendous moments of joy and hilarity just as there always are, no matter how hard jerks and suits and jerks in suits try to muck it all up.
The index:
Sunday, Sept. 21
San Diego Chargers at Buffalo Bills, 1 p.m. ET -- CBS
The NFL is cold and full of hate, but it has the Bills. Love the Bills -- the lovable losers, the Bills who will be in Buffalo forever and ever, the Bills of Sammy Watkins and possibility, of C.J. Spiller and hope, of EJ Manuel and mystery. The Bills are 2-0 and utterly weird, and they're playing a Chargers team incapable of being uninteresting. In a weak weekend slate, Chargers-Bills is as good anything.
Rating: 4/5
Dallas Cowboys at St. Louis Rams, 1 p.m. ET -- FOX
After a disastrous Week 1, the Cowboys shackled Tony Romo. DeMarco Murray gave them that luxury, but the St. Louis Rams’ defensive line will be intent on taking away that crutch. If they can, it’ll mean even more problems for an offensive line that has struggled to keep Romo upright.
That could lead to the sort of disaster and schadenfreude that makes for good viewing. Unfortunately, the reverse offense-defensive matchup is pretty bland, and a matchup between two probably not-so-good non-rivals doesn’t carry much weight.
Rating: 2/5
Washington at Philadelphia Eagles, 1 p.m. ET -- FOX
Whether you want to watch this game depends how tired you are of the impending narrative. If Kirk Cousins looks functional, you’ll hear about it. A lot.
But Washington looked good against the rudderless Jacksonville Jaguars, the Philadelphia Eagles are trying to prove their eliteness, and hey they're division rivals. There wouldn't be any decision to make if you weren't so jaded .
Rating: 4/5
Houston Texans at New York Giants, 1 p.m. ET -- FOX
The Texans have started 2-0 for five consecutive seasons, which is a mighty fine accomplishment and completely meaningless. Their cumulative regular season record since 2010 is 32-34. They’ve been alternately good, bad and okay. I can’t tell you whether to watch them, any more than I can recommend a Giants team that is perfectly comfortable playing possum to start every season.
I can tell you to watch J.J. Watt terrorize for Eli Manning for three and a half hours, however. That's just good fun.
Rating: 3/5
Minnesota Vikings at New Orleans Saints, 1 p.m. ET -- FOX
The Saints are in a meltdown on the field. The Vikings are in a meltdown off it. I’m not sure that makes for compelling viewing. Rob Ryan may tweak out at some point so that’s worth a point I suppose.
Rating: 2/5
Tennessee Titans at Cincinnati Bengals, 1 p.m. ET -- CBS
The Titans are basically the stock team of the NFL. Last season, all but two of their losses came against teams with winning records, and that was against Houston Texans and Jacksonville Jaguars, squads they beat in rematches. Just one of the Titans' seven wins was came against a team with a winning record, and it was against the 9-7 Pittsburgh Steelers. They'll sit in the middle of the road in all facets, they'll finish from 7-9 to 9-7, and after you play them you'll know roughly where you stand.
They’re also boring as heck. On the flip side this Bengals team seems pretty good. How good could be settled when they take on the NFL’s unofficial barometer.
Rating: 2/5
Baltimore Ravens at Cleveland Browns, 1 p.m. ET -- CBS
The Browns beat the Saints last weekend? Well -- shit man, really? The Browns? I guess ... well hell.
Rating: 4/5
Green Bay Packers at Detroit Lions, 1 p.m. ET -- FOX
This game has the best chance of being an absolute screamer. The Lions may be done with the idea of kicking field goals. The Packers may be done with the idea that they need to do something other than gun Aaron Rodgers to win football games.
Rating: 4/5
Indianapolis Colts at Jacksonville Jaguars, 1 p.m. ET -- CBS
The Colts are probably be better than their 0-2 start, but the Jaguars are most definitely worse than theirs. And the Jags are still starting Chad Henne.
Rating: 1/5
Oakland Raiders at New England Patriots, 1 p.m. ET -- CBS
Let’s check in with the Raiders’ veteran moral center:
WELP
Rating: 1/5
San Francisco 49ers at Arizona Cardinals, 4:05 p.m. ET -- FOX
Drew Stanton was born in Okemos, Mich. When I was a kid growing up in Michigan, my dad used to tell me about the "Okemos Hum," which was a persistent low rumbling, origins unknown, that could be heard within the little Lansing satellite and nowhere else. The humming was so low that residents questioned whether it was actual there. It was unceasing and the noise was corroborated, so they thought it must have been real. But some denied its existence, which made the hum perplexing. Those that heard the hum started going crazy. They stuffed their ears, or kept fans and white noise machines running to ground themselves in sounds they could definitively say existed. Others weren't so hearty and left. No one could say who was right. From the outside it appeared that the town had collectively lost its mind. Not directly because of the hum, mind you, but from the subtle, persistent questioning of one's sanity that mirrored it.*
It’s probably the same feeling you get when Drew Stanton goes 14-for-29 against you and you lose.
Rating: 4/5
Denver Broncos at Seattle Seahawks, 4:25 p.m. ET -- CBS
These two teams played in the Super Bowl last season, people forget that.
Rating: 5/5
Kansas City Chiefs at Miami Dolphins, 4:25 p.m. ET -- CBS
The Bills had four sacks among nine tackles for loss last week against the Dolphins, and it could be fun to watch the Chiefs take their turn teeing off against Ryan Tannehill. That’s about the best thing you can say about a Jamaal Charles-less matchup.
Rating: 2/5
Pittsburgh Steelers at Carolina Panthers, 8:30 p.m. ET -- NBC
The Panthers are the best thing in the NFC South, and it isn’t close, really. It seems as if that’s surprising to a lot of people, even after they won the division last season. They still have some questions along the offensive line and at wide receiver, but the Steelers aren’t the team to exploit that. The Steelers do have the offensive playmakers to put up a pretty good battle against a stout defense.
Rating: 4/5
Monday, Sept. 22
Chicago Bears at New York Jets, 8:30 p.m. ET -- ESPN
Both teams are well-equipped to smother the other for its weaknesses -- The Jets prepared to shut down the Bears' running attack while hammering away with their own, the Bears prepared to go vertical and turn over Geno Smith at every available opportunity.
The result could be a frantic, fun game between two teams that are worth watching even if they aren’t destined for greatness.
Rating: 3/5
*After I wrote this I figured out that I was attributing the Kokomo Hum to Okemos because the two towns sound the same. Point stands: Drew Stanton is a hum.
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