‘Hard Knocks’ episode 5 recap: The beginning of the end of the boredom

This week’s Hard Knocks was fearsomely boring, and then it ended for good.

Do we need Hard Knocks anymore? Probably not. When the show started in 2001 the NFL was still unaware of its own manifest destiny. Could you imagine a maverick like HBO Sports bending the knee to a pro sports league in 2001? Thirteen years ago the league wasn’t in the media business (at least by today’s standards), so it surely wasn’t capable of the kind of editorial control to homogenize it so ferociously exerts now.

At least as a lifelong Falcons fan, that’s my argument to critics who called this year in particular boring: Blame the league’s mother eye. That’s also my strongest credential for authentic fandom: I’m emotionally invested enough to have a ready-made rebuttal when people claim my favorite team makes for boring reality TV.

It kind of was boring, though, and I’m saying that as a Falcons fan. Tuesday’s finale brushed aside all of this season’s found treasures -- cigar chompin’ defensive line coach Bryan Cox, obstinate rookie lineman Ra’Shede Hageman and known Roddy White actin’ wide receiver Roddy White, etc. for the tired formula of the series. Most of the no-name rookies ended up being cut, except for two -- undrafted linebacker Jacques Smith and cornerback Ricardo Allen -- who made the practice squad. Seventh-round pick Tyler Starr ended up making the team as a linebacker, which the informed viewer knows is far less a tribute to Starr’s “grit and survival” and more the byproduct of a thin position group.

Did you know that practice squad players make a minimum of $6,000 a week? That kind of kills the all-or-nothing stakes HBO tries to create with Hard Knocks. Sure, there’s a bunch of guys whose NFL dreams are over, but there’s also 10 dudes about to make $24,000 a month this football season. Maybe we should stop framing this process as quite so harrowing.

If there’s a minor joy in having your team on Hard Knocks, it’s watching your rival’s fans cling to every scene and word. New Orleans is a top-five market for Hard Knocks’ ratings this season, evidence supporting a long-proven point that even with a Super Bowl title, Saints fans still care the most about hating Atlanta. We wouldn’t have it any other way, so here’s @angrywhodat’s swan gripe:

That was the most unremarkable piece of television I’ve ever witnessed. It wasn’t even interesting enough to be bad.

I thought, surely, that at least watching some Falcons lose their jobs would be gratifying, worth my time. It was not. Mike Smith makes firing people boring. The most gripping part of the episode was a montage of weight room sound effects.

There are a lot of reasons to hate the Falcons; this five-hour waste of time is at the top of my list right now.

My Who Dat compatriot’s acrimony is as interesting as the phrase Who Dat is horrible (and racist ... as a Falcons fan and humanitarian and the guy with editorial control, I must point out that it’s so, so racist), which bears a suggestion: Why not dump the roster cut plot entirely? Every franchise has something more interesting going on -- the Falcons have a litany. Week 1 opponent New Orleans, briefly mentioned in the close of Tuesday’s episode, springs to mind.

The cities and fans surely hate each other, but do professional athletes? Front office personnel? Why not ask? By the time Hard Knocks winds down, its primary purpose -- football methadone -- is usurped by college kickoffs and fantasy drafts. If Hard Knocks wants to evolve, abandon the faux-docudrama of America’s next forgotten special teams gunner. Atlanta and New Orleans hate the shit out of one another, and the league dropped the game on Week 1 for that very reason.

Observe:

I believe I speak for most, if not all Saints fans, when I thank you -- all of you -- for being you. Thank you for believing. That level of mental effort, that yearly confidence that this one will be different, that this year is the turning point, makes 13 out of every 16 games just that much more enjoyable for us. And we’ll always appreciate it.

See? That’s some good hatin’. Way more interesting, sure, but also way more relevant to the NFL two days before its official kickoff.

Right now I can tell you I won’t watch Hard Knocks again next year. It won’t be my team, but it might be yours. That no longer matters -- Hard Knocks is anesthetized, no more a legit threat to a team’s success than a rogue Twitter account. Maybe I’ll come around in late July, anxious for anything resembling the modern American pastime. It will almost certainly be boring, but I’ll probably end up watching it.