It’s September, the only month in the second half of the calendar that could plausibly pass for spring. The world is warm, and though the days are getting shorter, they are long enough. We know the cold is coming, but for now we’ll pretend it won’t. Just like we’ll pretend our favorite football team won’t be awful.
NFL Watchability Index, Week 1: It’s all downhill from here
Real football is finally underway! Here’s your guide to one of the best weeks of the NFL season.
Chris Graythen
And it might not be! Not everyone must resign themselves to misery. No one has to, ever. It’s just that football sort of invites that misery. There are only 16 games during the regular season, and a full week before each one to stew about the previous week or fret about what’s upcoming. Every team will lay its plan down well. Then the ball will bounce funny and -- whoops! -- there goes the game, or the season. It’s a long offseason for a sport that hinges on so many whims.
But for now let’s have some fun. The weather’s nice, there’s a ton of football on TV and 32 teams are in the running for the playoffs. Enjoy! It may be all downhill from here.
Thursday, Sept. 4
GAME OF THE WEEK: Green Bay Packers at Seattle Seahawks, 8:30 p.m. ET -- NBC
There are few things that are still precious in life anymore. This is something we come to realize in lower adulthood, after childhood fantasy has given way to adolescent love, and that has given way to our early 20s when we feel our most invulnerable and the things in our insular, pre-career lives seem most great. From there, the walls slowly crumble, and a big world is revealed -- one in which we can thrive or fade, but one which we are forced to accept either way.
Take heart: Aaron Rodgers and Russell Wilson may be two of the last precious things in your life.
Go down the list of NFL starting quarterbacks, and odds are you can find something wrong with each one. Even three of the sports paragons -- Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Drew Brees -- have, at times, looked like the relatively old men that they are, reminding us all of our own mortality.
Rodgers and Wilson are the only two with zero dirt -- both NFL Draft value picks, incubated to become darlings. Both men have achieved the pinnacle of the sport, all while portraying humility and smiling dashingly. Both have years of success ahead of them. Neither has yet to make the sort of mistakes that can turn public perception at a whim (and things had been going SO WELL Mr. Griffin).
Week 1: Packers vs. Seahawks
If real life hasn’t gotten you down yet, you’ll enjoy watching one of these two men triumph and continue his charmed career like the exquisite butterfly he is. If you’re the bitter type, it should make you happy that one of the two will take a small step toward the mire of hate and ennui you currently inhabit.
Either way, totally worth watching!
Rating: 5/5!
Sunday, Sept. 7
New Orleans Saints at Atlanta Falcons, 1 p.m. ET -- FOX
This should be fun because the teams involved are division rivals sporting great quarterbacks and a mess of great wideouts, but who knows yet if Atlanta will hold up its end of the bargain. Watch out of wishfulness, then change the channel when it becomes clear that Matt Ryan won't be completing a three-stop without getting a face full of Cameron Jordan.
Rating: 3/5
Minnesota Vikings at St. Louis Rams, 1 p.m. ET -- FOX
The Matt Cassel-Shaun Hill duel you never wanted. This game is like peas on Thanksgiving -- a bad thing made tolerable because Thanksgiving, like Week 1, only comes once a year.
Rating: 1/5
Cleveland Browns at Pittsburgh Steelers, 1 p.m. ET -- CBS
Do you love to hate quarterbacks? Young, hungry, athletic defenses are kind of fun to watch, but ughhhh having to talk about the rookie quarterback on the sideline all game.
Rating: 2/5
Jacksonville Jaguars at Philadelphia Eagles, 1 p.m. ET -- CBS
Does it seem weird to anyone else that these two teams are technically playing the same sport, much less are in the same league together and capable of sharing the same field and/or plane of existence? Whatever the Jaguars plan to do on offense, it will be the furthest thing from what Chip Kelly is doing. At the same time, both teams are undergoing seismic personality shifts, and it’s unclear if they know who they are themselves.
This game could alter your entire universe. It could also be a real bad trip. Get a sitter.
Rating: 3/5
Oakland Raiders at New York Jets, 1 p.m. ET -- CBS
THE INTERNET PEOPLE ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS GAME. GET A TWITTER.
Rating: 3/5
Cincinnati Bengals at Baltimore Ravens, 1 p.m. ET -- CBS
The defending 2012 Super Bowl champion Ravens enter the 2014 season off a rough patch. A 8-8 season was followed by an offseason filled with trouble. On Sunday, they'll meet a Bengals team, led by quarterback Andy Dalton, ready to make some noise in a division that's -- sorry, I can't do this right now.
Rating: 1/5
Buffalo Bills at Chicago Bears, 1 p.m. ET -- FOX
Love the Bills. They're young, stumbling, bumbling, plucky, affable folk who, if they just so happen to stumble and bumble and pluck in the right direction, could actually be pretty darn fun to watch. I mean, they probably won't be, but how can you not keep an eye trained on a team that will have Sammy Watkins and C.J. Spiller on the field at the same time. Maybe EJ Manuel will be OK! The defense could be very good! And they employ Seantrel Henderson!
The Bears’ offense should continue to be fun to watch under Marc Trestman. Who knows if the rebuilt front seven will hold its own. I’m putting this game down as the most sneakily good game of the week.
Rating: 4/5
Washington at Houston Texans, 1 p.m. ET -- FOX
Jesus, this game could be a train wreck. I may go into a popcorn-induced coma.
Rating: 4/5
Tennessee Titans at Kansas City Chiefs, 1 p.m. ET -- CBS
The Titans should aspire to become the 2013 Chiefs. Jake Locker flashed Alex Smith-ian steadiness before getting hurt last season, and an athletic front seven could do a lot of damage against what appears to be a relatively weak schedule. Bishop Sankey looks like the sort of every-purpose bell cow that Jamaal Charles was to Kansas City, though it's asking a lot that he be as good. Nothing is out of the realm of possibility in the AFC South. That said, Locker hasn't proven as much as Smith had entering last season, and Sankey is struggling to beat out Shonn Greene. At the moment, they're more of an imitation of a good team, which means another .500-ish season is likely in their future.
I don’t know what that makes the 2014 Chiefs. Probably a pretty good team, assuming the offensive line doesn’t muck everything up.
You can tune in to find out if you wanna.
Rating: 2/5
New England Patriots at Miami Dolphins, 1 p.m. ET -- CBS
The Dolphins rebuilt their offensive line in hopes of keeping Ryan Tannehill upright for longer than a baby's whisker, but units sometimes take a long time to jell. Going up against a veteran Patriots front, Tannehill could be eaten alive. If he isn't, you might actually get a good football game. Either way, you'll have a pretty good time tuning in!
Rating: 3/5
Carolina Panthers at Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 4:25 p.m. ET -- FOX
Smoosh the Panthers and the Buccaneers together, and you would get a wonderful team. Just imagine Cam Newton running around as he is wont to do, throwing the ball wherever he wants and expecting Kelvin Benjamin, Mike Evans and Vincent Jackson to make the grab. Out of a running back corps of Jonathan Stewart, DeAngelo Williams and Doug Martin, you'd expect at least ONE guy to stay healthy long enough to fulfill his massive potential. The offensive line maybe wouldn't be so bad, and the defense would certainly be tremendous.
Alas, these two teams can’t combine forces, and so we have a matchup of two teams that, when looked at from a distance, could be pretty good, but upon closer review have potentially crippling flaws on offense that could turn this game into an absolute mess if the stout defensive fronts have their way.
Someone’s going to win 9-6.
Rating: 3/5
San Francisco 49ers at Dallas Cowboys, 4:25 p.m. ET -- FOX
This game would have been more fun if injuries and suspension hadn’t raked through both defenses. Unfortunately, if preseason is any indication, there may not be much in the way of offensive fireworks even against neutered units. In print, this looks like a fun game. But in practice ...
Rating: 2/5
Indianapolis Colts at Denver Broncos, 8:30 p.m. ET -- NBC
You’re still groggy from the sleepy late afternoon slate, and then -- WAKE UP WAKE UP IT’S PEYTON MANNING AND THE DENVER POINTZ VS. ANDREW LUCK AND THE INDIANAPOLIS COMEBACKZ HURRY HURRY DID YOU KNOW INDY BEAT DENVER IN A CLASSIC LAST SEASON OR THAT MANNING USED TO PLAY FOR THE COLTS FOOTBALL FOOTBALL AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Rating: 4/5
Monday, Sept. 8
New York Giants at Detroit Lions, 7:10 p.m. ET -- ESPN
You know what, I think both of these teams are going to be all right this year. New Giants offensive coordinator Ben McAdoo will do wonders for Eli Manning by implementing a quicker-hitting West Coast system, and Matthew Stafford will bounce back for the Lions, because how could he not with the seismic upgrade in passing options. Both teams will contend for Wild Card spots, and even if they fall short, fans of both squads will be able to take heart that things are heading in the right direction.
We don’t have to be reactionary and snarky about everything all the time, you guys.
Rating: 3/5
San Diego Chargers at Arizona Cardinals, 10:20 p.m. ET -- ESPN
Philip Rivers and Carson Palmer playing HORSE against the other's secondary, matching their touchdowns with interceptions, drunk on scotch and not giving one flying shit. Late night delirium at its best.
Rating: 4/5
See More:
