Drew Brees turns breakfast into a cry for help

There’s a thing in dramas where, in order to humanize an invincible character, the writers take away the primary thing the character does. The character then turns to something else, something they are generally bad at, thus making them appear mortal, and at times even pitiable. Think of Hank in Breaking Bad when he’s holed up after his shooting with his minerals, or maybe the time Ben in Parks and Recreation decides to try stop-motion animation.

This is that moment for Drew Brees. He’s not in the playoffs. He’s clearly just knocking around the house: bored, aimless, staring at a pantry full of Advocare products, and wondering what there is to do in life besides throw a ball for money. He makes breakfast, and then -- like a post pattern over the rush of a cover 0 blitz, inspiration:

It’s possible Drew Brees doesn’t know what a sandwich is: that is clearly a pancake topped with a few lonely strips of turkey bacon. The banana isn’t even cut; It’s torn in chunks like a toddler ripped it to pieces on their high chair tray. If a serial killer Instagrammed their breakfasts, this is what they would look like. Look, I made a sandwich! I hear the goat-headed one in the night, and we speak conversations only the acolytes of the damned hear. Thinking of putting Nutella on it for extra kick. #Thrive

Even the SB Nation staff couldn’t agree on what they were looking at.

Nevermind that this isn’t even a sandwich, or that a pancake sandwich is just begging for an insulin-cratering sugar crash within 30 minutes. There are a few hard and fast rules in life. You never order pancakes, and instead let someone else order them. If you see a wide receiver who’s even, he’s leavin’, and you should throw the ball immediately. And if you have a football player in your kitchen who did not make the playoffs, make him a sandwich before he puts a cry for help like this on social media.

P.S. If the “humbled hero does something badly” storyline holds firm, this pitiful attempt at a sandwich indicates that the Saints making at least the NFC Championship Game next year when Brees rebounds. In the meantime, someone please take Drew Brees to Audubon Park and throw him a Frisbee or something.