NFL Dad, Week 12: An unfortunate chain of events

A successful day of parenting has two qualities: (1) good logistics and (2) getting the hell out of the house. They work in tandem, and the farther you go, the more logistical planning you need.

For example, I know that my kids need to be down for their nap by 1:30 p.m., so any morning excursion needs to end with us back at our apartment by 1:15. Except my 18-month-old son sometimes tires out by 12:30 or 1, so earlier is better. And they need to eat lunch by noon, or sometimes 11:30, so we need to pack lunches or plan a stop for food. Plus snacks. Plus the diaper bag. Which stroller are we going to take — the unwieldy double? Or the collapsible one? Are we taking the subway? Does the subway stop we’re going to have an elevator, or should I plan on throwing my back out carrying a stroller up the stairs again? I swear the invasion of Normandy had fewer coordinating instructions.

This is the kind of planning my wife and I put into a Saturday excursion to a French bakery to get macarons (my three-year-old daughter has a fascination with Paris). We put my son in the foldable stroller for the short stroller ride, and counted on our daughter to walk most of the 10 blocks from subway to fancy cookies.

It went swimmingly! The kids were overjoyed to be in a new neighborhood, our scheduling was stellar, the macarons were light but rich in flavor — and then the wheels fell off. Or, more accurately, a nut fell off a screw holding the stroller together, and half the frame collapsed.

Now, instead carrying my daughter on my shoulders while my wife pushed our son in the stroller (read: walking at an adult pace), my wife carried my daughter while I slung the collapsed stroller over one shoulder and carried my son in my other arm. He is the approximate size and shape of a 27-pound kettlebell, minus the convenient handle. It was slow going.

When we finally got on a subway home, I looked at the stroller, the conveyance that made the trip easy until one tiny lost part turned it into dead weight and gave us extra things to carry. This is where, if I were concerned about making this a football metaphor, I would talk about injuries and the difficulties of replacing a star player mid-season in the salary cap era.

But I’m not. I just wanted to complain.

— Here is my ranking of early slate games based on anticipated entertainment value to me. NOTE: I have weird tastes and strong grudges.

— Speaking of Browns-Bengals, my daughter pooped on the toilet just before the games started. Three more poops on the toilet, and she gets to watch her first movie: Moana.

I’m familiar with the schools of thought that say you shouldn’t incentivize potty training, and that’s how we started off, too. Then my daughter started holding in poops for several days before struggling to crank out the hardened rock in her butt, and we implemented a multi-tiered system of bribes that would put FIFA to shame.

— The kids come and kiss me before naptime as Tom Brady hits Gronk on a 3rd and 7. The Pats are already up 7-0 after running a fake punt on 4th and 9 deep in their own territory, and they soon double their lead with a TD to Gronk. I’m fine calling this one over.

— Tyrod Taylor finds Zay Jones on a drag route across the end zone (NOTE: as always, when I cite the route that was run, any inaccuracies are due to not paying attention and lack of replays). The Bills are up 7-0 at the end of the first quarter, and Alex Smith has looked VERY shaky to start the game. So I guess that’s why they don’t hand out actual Quarter-Season MVP trophies.

— In a bang-bang flurry of cuts, RedZone shows three straight touchdowns: Mohammed Sanu hits Julio Jones for a 51-yard touchdown bomb from the Wildcat formation; the Dolphins scoop up an errant snap to score a defensive TD; and Cam Newton runs it in on a bootleg on 3rd and goal at the goal line.

I will now embed the best of those three plays.

Look at that cool head despite the bobbled snap! I am prepared to declare Mohammed Sanu better than at least five starting quarterbacks in the NFL.

Also, I called that a Wildcat formation, but the Wildcat really seems more a principle at this point: “We have replaced our quarterback with someone more athletic for one play. He can’t really read a defense, but we’re not necessarily counting on him to. Are you ready? ‘Cuz this is gonna be an adventure for us, too.”

— Nelson Agholor flips into the end zone, and the Eagles are up 14-0 over the Bears. This game is as good as over, but I love that there’s so much more to come. THRASH THE SCRUBS.

— Alex Smith has started 1/6 for 3 yards. Chiefs Twitter is embroiled in a bitter civil war between fans who want Pat Mahomes to start and fans who blame the play-calling, or the line, or ... buddy, I don’t see how this is on anyone but Smith. He seems like a very nice person who’s gone through a lot of professional hardship, but at this point I a benching would be an act of mercy.

Also, I crave Pat Mahomes bombs. LET PAT COOK!

— On Saturday, when we’d gotten back on the subway after the stroller broke, I said to my wife, “It reminds me of that saying, “For want of a nail, the shoe was lost...”

She gave me a puzzled look.

“You know, ‘For want of a nail the shoe was lost. For want of a shoe the horse was lost,’ then the rider was lost, then the message, and so on until the war was lost.”

Her face was still blank. Had she really never heard this common proverb about logistics in war? I shrugged and offered meekly, “My parents used to say it.”

“You and I had really different childhoods,” she replied.

— Julio Jones had one touchdown in the first 11 weeks of the season (proof that football is flawed). He now has two in the first half against the Bucs.

RIP, those ankles.

QUESTION: Hey, what about the ball coming loose after Jones hit the pylon? There have been repeated rulings that players haven’t been established as a runner despite taking several steps while making a catch, so if Jones lost the ball going to ground, shouldn’t that be a touchback? Or at least reviewed with closer scrutiny than it got?

ANSWER: SHUT UP NERD. Did you see that cornerback fall down or what?

— Alex Smith update: He is 2 of 8 for seven yards. The Bills’ Steven Hauschka misses a 52-yarder, so the Chiefs will have good field position to try to get their first first down of the day as the clock approaches the 2-minute warning.

OK, we have a first down! But it’s still not great for the Chiefs. It feels like every replay features the color commentator circling the open receiver that Smith didn’t see. Still, KC gets its first points of the day with a Harrison Butker field goal, and the Bills hustle to answer before the gun: Hauschka is good from 56 yards, and the Bills lead 13-3 at halftime.

— Robby Anderson makes a RIDICULOUS catch in double coverage for a touchdown. This marks his fifth straight game with a touchdown.

One of my co-workers offered Anderson to me as part of a trade package last week — “Anderson’s been really good lately,” he said — and I reacted like he’d offered me a plate of dog crap. Look, I enjoy the scrappiness of the Jets, but I don’t want them on my fantasy teams.

— With less than 10 seconds left in the half, Matt Moore gets picked off in the end zone. Instead of trailing by just one score, the Dolphins will go in to the locker room trailing 21-10.

Not that it matters, of course. Miami’s lone touchdown is a chance defensive score on a bad snap. They’ve already gotten their breaks for the game (they also snatched an INT from Brady, just his third of the season), and they’re losing anyway. I’m not sure why I framed a potential one-score game as potentially affecting the outcome; I blame the announcers.

— Alshon Jeffery, working out of the slot in the red zone, puts Eagles up 24-0 with five seconds left in the half. The score, his seventh of the season, triggers a $250,000 performance clause in Jeffery’s contract, as well as an extremely good celebration.

— Albert Wilson slips through several defenders to score the Chiefs’ first touchdown. KC has some life, and now trails 13-10.

— Holy hell, what a play by McCown to Anderson for 50-plus yards and the TD. The Jets now lead 17-12.

I would like to issue an apology to Josh McCown. Before the season, I said the only job he should have at age 38 is as a backup for a good team, and that he had no business starting. That was wrong: He has completed more than 67% of his passes for 17 touchdowns (both career bests) while throwing eight interceptions in 11 games. That’s totally serviceable! I’d take McCown over Joe Flacco any day.

— Ummmmm...

Look, announcers have to say a LOT of words every game, and the right phrase isn’t always on the tip of your tongue. Chris Myers saw Delanie Walker performing CPR on the football, and the words that came out to describe it were “burping the baby.” I don’t think he doesn’t know know how to burp a baby. It’s not like he’s fending off lawsuits for crushing infants’ chests while babysitting, you know?

— My daughter wakes up from her nap. “Can I watch football too, Daddy?” she says. My heart gushes. I doubt that this is anything approaching an original thought, but I think the reason I’m so madly in love with my daughter is that she’s a little copy of the woman I love the most, but with flashes of my own DNA. So she’s a combination of my most selfless love with the egotistical love I have for myself, and those feelings happening at the same time is more powerful than any other emotion I’ve felt.

My son? Oh yeah! He’s great too. Love that little dude.

— Jonathan Stewart scores for the Panthers, but the two-point conversion comes up short. Carolina takes an 18-17 lead.

— My wife goes to get our son up from his nap, but he rejects her presence. “Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!” I go in and play peekaboo with him, and he cackles maniacally. It’s my laugh, in toddler form. Let the record show that I love him as much as my daughter.

— With the Chiefs trailing and less than three minutes left, Alex Smith throws off-target on 4th and four. The pass was closer to being intercepted than it was to being completed. The film session for this game isn’t gonna be fun for him.

Wouldn’t it suck to have to sit through critical replays of your job? “Here’s where your Powerpoint went off the rails, Johnson. What was this chart supposed to accomplish? Look at the clients’ eyes here: They’re completely glazed over! You lost your audience!”

— After a Jets field goal, the Panthers take the lead on a fumble recovery that goes for six the other way. The two-point conversion gives them a six-point lead, and my precious 4.5-point spread looks in trouble.

— Trailing 16-10, the Chiefs have one last chance to mount a game-winning drive, and Alex Smith ... throws an interception. Tradavious White returns the ball all the way to the Chiefs’ 10-yard line, and boos rain down on Smith. Poor guy. Poor Chiefs fans, too, but I’m still allowed to feel bad for a nice guy who sucks at his job.

— The Panthers return a punt for a touchdown, and the Jets have now COMPLETELY Jets’d this up. They allowed consecutive defensive and special teams touchdowns to go from winning this game to having no chance to cover. I can’t WAIT to go back to not caring about the Jets.

— The Eagles defense, thinking they’d intercepted a Trubisky pass late in the game, perform the Electric Slide. But the call is overturned, so they intercept Trubisky again, and perform the Electric Slide again.

The celebration only counts if the play stands.

— Totally biased late slate entertainment rankings:

— It’s rainy and windy in Santa Clara, and on the first play from scrimmage, Russell Wilson ignores a short throw to a wide-open J.D. McKissic in order to throw to a blanketed Jimmy Graham. Eric Reid picks him off.

— For a couple of blissful minutes, my kids play together peacefully without any involvement from their parents. Is this ... Could this be a glimpse of what we hoped for when we had kids 19 months apart? Like, OF COURSE, they’ll fight over toys, but the mere NOTION of entire minutes where I don’t have to actively parent one or both of them makes my heart sing.

— After a Seahawks drive stalls, Blair Walsh is wide left from 48.

— Saints-Rams is finally underway. The Rams put together an impressive drive and go up 7-0 on a short slant to Sammy Watkins.

— RedZone’s first look at Broncos-Raiders is a knock-down drag-out fight between Michael Crabtree and Aqib Talib on the sidelines, and on the field, and across the field. Both players — as well as Gabe Jackson — are tossed from the game.

It started the play before, when Crabtree punched Chris Harris in the stomach. On the next play, Crabtree blocked Talib, and the cornerback took the opportunity to snatch the Raider’s chain for the second year running.

I know that fighting is bad, especially given that players are already trying to murder each other within the rules on every play of the game, but ... this was all WILDLY ENTERTAINING. Like, Marshawn Lynch escorting Talib out of the game is only the fourth- or fifth-most intriguing part of this.

I’m so bummed that this is the second Broncos-Raiders game of the year. I want another one!

— Bobby Wagner straight up ROBS a man of a catch, and the Seahawks get the ball at 14. Two plays later, Russell Wilson’s read-option fools the camera man (and everyone else) as he scoots in for the touchdown.

— Alvin Kamara breaks a 74-yard run for a TD. Holy crap. The Saints cut the Rams’ lead to 10-7.

I will never forgive myself for not getting Kamara in any of my fantasy leagues. All of the excitement at the beginning of the season for Kareem Hunt and Tarik Cohen has faded, and it’s Kamara who’s the real truth. I love that dude. (NOTE: I have no idea what he looks like without a helmet.)

— We get my parents on a Facetime call so they can see the kids. I say “see” and not “talk with,” because conversing with the kids through the screen is almost impossible. My son only wants to get close enough to touch the screen (he constantly hangs up on family members), while my daughter becomes hyperactive, running from room to room, posing in downward dog, and crawling through a collapsible tunnel we’ve laid out. After each trick she runs to the iPad to make sure she’s still being watched, shriek-laughs, and runs off to do something else.

— Even though Talib got the better of Crabtree, the actual football game has been all Raiders, thanks mostly to Paxton Lynch. Jared Cook makes a nice catch in the back of the end zone, and the Raiders lead 14-0.

— ENDORSEMENT: The frozen mini chicken tacos from Trader Joe’s. They’re one of the rare foods that both of my kids will eat every time without complaint.

— The Jags get on the board with a field goal before the half; they trail 13-3. Nothing about the Cardinals’ lead feels safe, yet Blake Bortles isn’t exactly the man I’d choose to lead a comeback. The Jags will need a defensive or special teams TD to get back in the game.

— The 49ers open the second half with a big dose of Carlos Hyde, who batters the Seahawks D and carries the Niners into Seahawks territory. A field goal cuts the Seahawks’ lead to 7-6.

— One of my daughter’s pretend games is a spin on the Sleeping Beauty/Snow White plot: She puts me or my wife to sleep with magic, we fall asleep, then she wakes us up with a kiss. When she comes to work her magic on me, I fall asleep very slowly, yawning as I watch Russell Wilson convert a 3rd and nine by hitting a leaping, twisting Doug Baldwin downfield. She kisses me awake before the next play, another shot downfield to Tanner McEvoy. The quick drive ends with a Nick Vannett TD and no other magical comas.

— RedZone shows clips of Calais Campbell reuniting with his former teammates before the game. And yet no mention of the respect Jaguars players surely have for Blaine Gabbert. What a shame.

— I have the TV muted while we listen to a Beatles playlist. I’ve never cared much for the Beatles, but their work holds up as children’s music. The Beatles are like if Raffi had an edge and more instruments.

Now, some people might be angered by that take, but I’m not trying to be incendiary. Revolver and Sgt. Pepper are two of the best children’s albums ever made, and I’ll take “Yellow Submarine” over “Banana Phone” any day. Well, almost any day. Banana phones are pretty funny.

— Both defenses in the Saints-Rams game have stiffened — no points in 3rd quarter, and not much in the way of drives, either.

— Bork Birdles scores on a bootleg. The Jags trail 16-10.

— Jimmy Graham scores a touchdown on a short slant. With the ball on the left hash, the Seahawks lined up five wide receivers -- three on the left, two on the right. Then they motioned Tyler Lockett to the left, leaving Graham isolated on the wide side of the field. A fade was the obvious call, which is probably what made getting open on the slant so easy.

I wrote all of that out because it took the Seahawks TWO YEARS to figure this shit out, even though the Saints printed money with plays like that for five years.

— Let’s check in on Paxton Lynch:

— With the kids in the bath, my wife has switched to a Christmas music playlist. My daughter splashes my wife after being told not to do so, so I come in to levy the punishment. I pull my daughter out of the bath, and she starts screaming. It takes some of the enjoyment out of Mariah Carey singing “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” Only some of it, though. That song is a fortress of good cheer.

— After my daughter calms down, I put her in her pajamas. “What was your favorite part of the day?” I ask. “Was it splashing in the bath?”

“Yeah,” she says, though not with conviction.

“Was it playing with Evan and eating my breakfast sandwich?”

“Yeah.”

“Was it going to church with Mommy?”

She pauses. “No.”

— With the Saints down by 13 at the beginning of the fourth quarter, Alvin Kamara adds “hurdling guys” to his repertoire.

On the same drive, the Saints go for it on 4th and five at the edge of field goal range, and Brees again goes to Kamara, which sets up first and goal. But the drive stalls, and the Saints kick a field goal like a bunch of cowards. They’re gonna lose the game now.

— While I sing “The Teddy Bears’ Picnic” to my kids, Calais Campbell scoops up a fumble and runs it in to give Jags a 17-16 lead. I love how predictable the Jaguars are. NOW GIMME SOME BORTLES IN CRUNCH TIME.

— With about a minute and a half remaining, the Niners lose C.J. Beathard to an injury after a hard hit from Michael Bennett. IT’S GAROPPOLO TIME.

Down 24-6, Jimmy G calmly steers the Niners a whole 19 yards, culminating in a touchdown on the final play of the game. Just a really thrilling ending for the Niners faithful who stuck around, and a devastating turn of events for the heroes like me who had the Seahawks defense in fantasy.

— Strangely, the Broncos scoring points has coincided with Trevor Siemian replacing Paxton Lynch, who left the game with an injury.

That score makes it 21-14, and the Raiders will need a first down or two to kill the clock.

— Late in the fourth quarter, with the game tied at 24, Jacksonville intercepts Gabbert, and Scott Hanson actually says, “Blake Bortles getting a chance to be a hero...”

Come on, now. We know better than this. When Bortles is in charge of a two-minute drill, don’t frame it in the positive. At the very least, be noncommittal. “Let’s see what the Jaguars do here.” “We’re heading for an interesting finish.” “Surely both sides are nervous here.” Hedge your bets, man.

On 3rd and six, at the outer edge of FG range, Tyrann Mathieu intercepts Bortles.

— On 3rd and eight, deep in his own territory, Derek Carr hits Cordarelle Patterson deep to kill off the Broncos’ hopes for a comeback.

— Alvin Kamara gets in for another score, and it’s back to a one-possession game with 1:45 remaining. It is unfathomable to me that Kamara only got 11 touches in this game (for 188 yards and two touchdowns). I understand that he’s not built like a workhorse, but Sean Payton may want to revisit that decision after this game.

The onside kick is no good, and the Rams win.

— The Jaguars have gotten the ball back with the game still tied. Once again, Blake Bortles has a chance to be the hero, which is to say: He throws another interception. Phil Dawson kicks a 57-yard field goal and the Cardinals win.

— As the games wrap up, I knead the mixture that will become tonight’s meatloaf. I won’t go into my mother’s full recipe — although putting a recipe at the end of 4000 words of derivative bullshit would make this a typical internet recipe — but the combination of ground beef, ground pork, raw egg, bread crumbs, and various sauces and spices is less than pleasant.

It gets better as I go, though, and after I shape the loaf and wash my hands, I put the pan in the oven and watch RedZone’s touchdown montage. It goes on a little too long, but then, so do most things about the NFL.