Tom Brady’s stolen jersey suspect board includes Lady Gaga, Gollum, Crab People

Tom Brady’s Super Bowl LI jersey — the $500,000 garment in which he made the greatest comeback in NFL history -- is missing. And while the Texas Rangers (the law body, not Adrian Beltre and company) are on the case, few suspects have turned up.

Until now.

Brady, not content with just being the greatest quarterback to grace God’s green earth, has shifted his prodigious talents toward playing detective. He released his preliminary list of potential thieves Wednesday. The results are shocking.

Brady’s suspects, in no particular order:

— Gollum
— Pokemon bad guy Gary Oak
— Qarth warlock Pyat Pree
— Julian Edelman, extra-called out via an extremely Boston quote from Good Will Hunting
— the O’Doyle family
— Prison Mike, alter ego of former Dunder-Mifflin branch manager Michael Scott
— Crab people (taste like crab, talk like people)
— Creepy Tom Brady, who famously appeared in that one terrible courtroom sketch in the throes of DeflateGate
— Jaws (movie shark)
— Lady Gaga
— Scooby (Brady’s dog)
— Norm Snively, alcoholic clown and former owner of Air Bud

There are a few suspects who can be cut immediately. The O’Doyles all tragically perished in a car crash thanks to a sloppily-discarded banana peel. Prison Mike’s hallmark is kidnapping the president’s son, so simple jersey theft would be below him. Scooby is a dog, and thus has no source of income to buy the $50,000 Super Bowl tickets to put him at the scene of the crime. Creepy Brady is a two-dimensional sketch.

But from the ether of Brady’s tireless investigating, some interesting potential criminals emerge. Gollum, if in possession of the one ring, would have been effectively invisible and able to sneak through the postgame situation to grab the jersey. Lady Gaga, receiver of the second-most impressive catch of the evening and performer of the most-watched musical event in televised history, could have swiped the uniform out of jealousy. Edelman just seems like a shady guy.

And, if you really think about it, any of these suspects could be crab people in disguise.

Detective Brady has some very solid theories about the theft of his fine art. Hopefully the Texas Rangers have a copy of his suspect board, and are in the process of tracking down Snively to see if he made the jump from abducting golden retrievers to jacking priceless football artifacts.

Update: Edelman responded to his teammate’s accusation with some Good Will Hunting cred of his own.