Puppy Bowl 2017 live stream: Time, TV schedule, lineups, and how to watch online

You might hate the Patriots. You might hate the Falcons. You might hate football.

There’s no way you hate the Puppy Bowl.

Animal Planet will once again host the greatest Super Bowl counter programming ever conceived, bringing the world the only appropriate alternative to Matt Ryan’s ascension or Tom Brady’s fifth coronation.

America’s No. 1 football-related excuse to watch tiny dogs wrestle, step in their own water dishes, and pee indoors returns on Sunday.

Team Ruff will take on Team Fluff in a showdown between puppy powerhouses. Teams score by dragging dog toys into — or at least sort of near — the end zones of the plushly carpeted stadium. A sole referee throws flags and calls arbitrary penalties with no real rhyme or reason to it, making this the most NFL-like part of the game. In the interest of canine safety and cuteness, subs are plentiful; the sleepiest puppies are cleared from the field, presumably to nap on top of other, larger dogs, and ...

OH MY GOD LOOK AT THESE DOGS.

A look at this year’s roster shows a recent trend toward smaller dogs. Terriers, poodles, spaniels, and chihuahuas dominate each squad, showcasing the league’s recent shift away from traditional bigs and toward shiftier, speedier backs. While this may be a boon for critics who complained the game had become too slow and boring, it is a definite negative for those of us who think the aforementioned breeds merely look like large rats.

Despite the presence of these tiny lap dogs, several very good dogs can be found in each lineup. Smooshie, for example, is an excellently named Shar Pei whose head makes up at least 40 percent of his body weight. Max is a very, very good Pit Bull. Winston, an adorably intense Australian Shepherd, dreams of murder all day.

If dogs aren’t your thing, A) something has broken inside of you, and I am sorry to hear that, and B) Animal Planet, in its vast empathy for terrible people, has you covered. When the puppies head to the locker room, the Kitty Halftime Show will take place. Get ready to watch 20 minutes of cats doing cat things, like lying around, shredding furniture, and openly resenting you.

They won’t be the only animals to play a role in the broadcast. Meep, a Grey African parrot with more than 36,000 Twitter followers, will be live-tweeting the game. Goats, hedgehogs, and chickens, at varying intervals, have served as the game’s cheerleaders. Last year’s game featured a skunk line judge and a turtle streaker as well, because Animal Planet employs some of the greatest Americans to ever live.

If Sunday’s coverage isn’t enough, there’s even a pregame show to catch you up and prep you for all the cuddly action. Seventy-eight tiny dogs will take the field, running around and playing with each other until they all get too tired and Animal Planet arbitrarily decides a winner. It may be the greatest sporting mankind has ever conceived.

When: 3 p.m. ET

TV: Animal Planet

Online: Animal Planet GO

Starting lineups: Adorable. You can check out 40 of the 78 total pups by following this link. Please ignore No. 1, the Pomsky named Alexander Hamilpup. He’s all show.