The Baltimore Ravens tweeted out a very weird and slightly disturbing picture of Queen Elizabeth II with the team logo painted on her face this week. While the tweet from Tuesday night aimed to get fans excited for the Ravens game this weekend in London, it backfired and was quickly deleted.
The Ravens got me thinking ... if the royal family were NFL teams, which teams would they be?
All the major British royals matched up with their most similar football teams.
I hate to break it to the Ravens and their social media strategists, but the queen isn’t really a match for the Ravens. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t a British royal out there ready to be adorned in purple.
To show that Baltimore just poorly executed a good idea, I decided to match members of the monarchy with the NFL teams that best fits their statures and personas.
There are only two parameters I gave myself:
- The NFL teams must have traveled across the Atlantic to actually play a London game.
- The British royals included are only the most prominent members of the extended family, otherwise this list would have taken forever.
So, you won’t find out below why Autumn Phillips is a good fit for, say, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers or Prince Edward, Earl of Wessex makes for a solid Chargers comparison. But, I will gladly converse with you elsewhere on those choices because I have thoughts.
Queen Elizabeth II: Cowboys
Dear old Liz has been rumored to be a fan of both West Ham and Arsenal in recent years, and both of them match up with the Cowboys. Their peak periods of success are in the past at this point, whether two decades gone by or twice that, and all of these teams are hoping for a resurgence with varied results.
The Queen’s preferred soccer teams aren’t the only things that match up with the Cowboys; she does too. Like “America’s Team,” QEII is beloved by many, with steadfast support despite any missteps, bad PR, or mismanagement over the years. She and Dallas have significant detractors, though, because not even the most valuable football team or the figurehead leader of the UK can win everybody over.
Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh: Washington’s Football Team
This one was easy, because of all the racism. So much racism.
Washington’s Football Team has a more malicious brand at this point, but there are enough racist statements over the years from both parties that they’re two peas in a pod in that respect.
Charles, The Prince of Wales: Browns
Despite waiting forever to do so, neither Prince Charles nor the Cleveland Browns has ever ascended to their respective peaks — whether that’s sitting on the throne or winning a Super Bowl.
Despite never being at the top, both Charles and the Browns have a small set of dedicated fans who hope they will, with plenty of people being totally fine if that never comes to fruition.
Camilla, The Duchess of Cornwall: Saints
Camilla had a truly rough stretch where nobody wanted to be associated with her and she just couldn’t get a win no matter what. Sound similar to New Orleans’ longtime plight with their fans? They’ve both had their share of scandals too!
Then, finally, things turned around for the most part — she finally married Charles and the Saints finally won a Super Bowl.
That doesn’t mean things have been smooth sailing since then. The Saints are struggling again and public sentiment for Camz is still not stellar. But compared to how things used to be? Goodness, this is above and beyond better than years ago.
Anne, The Princess Royal: Jets
As the internet’s own Fug Girls have pointed out many a time, Princess Anne constantly looks like she’s solving mysteries and unearthing shenanigans. As any NFL fan will remember, the Jets be snitchin’.
Anne and the Jets both had great stretches in the 70s too, even though Anne has held up far better than whatever the Jets are doing these days.
William, The Duke of Cambridge: Colts
For the past 20 years or so, both William and the Colts have had things relatively easy. The Colts had Peyton Manning as their quarterback and then completely tripped into getting Andrew Luck right after him. Wills is the heir to the throne, and one that everybody can’t wait to have as a leader which is more than his father can say right now.
Could they both be doing more, in the public’s opinion? Oh, sure. But overall things have been free and easy compared to those around them who deal with more constant troubles and accusations.
Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge: Patriots
Kate Middleton would have been just fine in life if she never married into the royal family. She came from an upper-middle class family that was, and is, successful enough to live well and have the finer things.
Similarly, the Pats were decent and had fair support in the seasons before Brady and Belichick came along, and it’s fair to say that the New England fan base didn’t absolutely require five Super Bowls to be happy with their team. Some moderate success and maybe one big win would have probably been just fine.
But both, in a matter of years, suddenly had all the success in the world and more — with few people having seen the Patriots becoming a juggernaut like this or Prince William marrying Kate. Fans of Kate and the Pats are fervent, intense, and like to live vicariously through them (whether it’s via clothing choices or wins on Sunday).
That hasn’t stopped controversy from bubbling up or name calling (i.e. the Wisteria Sisters, Spygate/Deflategate) from swirling, but they’re both still on the top of the world so how much are those types of things even affecting them at this point?
Even more, they both look great in navy blue.
Prince Harry of Wales: Bengals
Both prominently feature an orange color scheme. While they are more or less harmless on balance, they’ve certainly both had their controversial moments over the years. Whether that involves ill-advised draft picks or Nazi uniforms. On top of that, there’s constant talk lately of who their long-term partner will be.
They’ve also both had some nudity unexpectedly caught on camera.
Prince George of Cambridge: Giants
Well, he was born into a family of success and has a really pouty face sometimes. Will make the Hall of Fame/become king one day pretty much in spite of anything he does to indicate that shouldn’t happen.
Also known for throwing tantrums in public if he’s sleepy, like a certain Giants wide receiver we all know.
Princess Charlotte of Cambridge: Texans
The newest addition to the royal family, and the newest addition to the league. Neither has done much of consequence yet, but the expectation is that they will eventually make their mark.
And neither will be the latest arrival for long.
See More:
