24. Patriots win via last-minute one-point safety.
The 24 most obnoxious ways for the Patriots to win Super Bowl 52
Now that a nation has placed its hopes in another New England opponent, all that’s left is to find out how badly this will hurt.
Photo by Jim Davis/The Boston Globe via Getty Images
23. Patriots win and cover via last-minute one-point safety.
22. MVP trophy ceremony delayed until Tom Brady is safe in his Magical TB12 Pajamas Sarcophagus, on sale now.
21. During the halftime show, Justin Timberlake fails to pay respect to Janet Jackson, so a victorious Bill Belichick gives her the mic during his postgame presser. He even handles backup dancer duties. Dammit, now we all really love Belichick.
20. Timberlake is now a Patriots slot receiver. He catches the winning touchdown and doesn’t dance.
19. A hobbled Carson Wentz is forced to lead Philly’s two-minute drill for some reason. His final pass is batted down by Brady for some reason.
18. Puppy Bowl marred by violence as Mark Wahlberg pins Sylvester Stallone at midfield. Elsewhere, the Patriots win.
17. Before singing the national anthem, Eagles fan Pink hides a normal strawberry in Brady’s personal jug of TB12 Scientology Anti-Water, on sale now. It’s removed in time by John Cena! The Patriots win.
16. 68-0. Pats kneel instead of kicking final extra point. Gronk inconsolable.
15. Brian Hoyer scores in garbage time. Belichick trades him for a first-round pick by midnight.
14. During the trophy ceremony, Robert Kraft refers to media reports that everyone in his organization doesn’t get along perfectly as “adversity we overcame.”
13. With a halftime lead, a bored Belichick subs Andy Reid in for himself and wins anyway.
12. Patriots celebrate with dog masks like the Eagles, because all Boston teams are underdogs whom nobody believes in, no matter how many points they’re favored by.
11. Someone with the most unbelievably Boston accent imaginable says “Dawkins.” The Patriots win.
10. Philly fans replace Brady’s KaleAde with pureed cheesesteak. Instead of sending his system into shock, the calorie surge has a Popeye effect. Not only are his passes sharper than ever, he looks like Mark McGwire and runs like Mike Tolbert. (Philly defenders distracted by arguing whether the cheesesteak failure is the fault of Pat’s and/or Geno’s.)
9. Tuck Rule II.
8. Chris Long reveals a Patriots jersey beneath his Eagles jersey, then allows the deciding touchdown. Long explains:
7. The Eagles lead, 24-23, with 10 seconds left. The Pats have the ball on their own 39 and try to set up a long field goal, but a whiffed tackle makes for the winning TD. The NFL’s best moment in years has been co-opted in Minnesota by the Patriots.
6. Oh, you think all of this bad stuff happening to Philly is funny, Pittsburgh? James Harrison’s scoring the winning pick-six now.
5. Before the final play, Brady spends an entire timeout staring into the camera while deflating a football by hand. He throws the floppy burger Frisbee for the winning TD.
4. New England wins by the score of 28-3.
3. New England leads 28-3, but Philly storms back to take the lead on a field goal in overtime. New England wins via touchdown.
2. Somehow, the Alabama Crimson Tide also win.
1. The Eagles block a field goal and run it back for the walk-off win...but it’s negated by a false start, New England’s only penalty of the entire game. Pats hit the do-over.
Super Bowl 52: Eagles vs. Patriots
Who’s going to win it all?
The worst Super Bowl ever
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