How to build an NFL body on Taco Bell, just like Matthew Judon

Baltimore Ravens linebacker Matthew Judon became the most relatable athlete in the NFL on Sunday when he used his introduction on Sunday Night Football to tell the world his body was built by Taco Bell.

Judon is having himself a hell of a season as part of one of the NFL’s best defenses and is on pace to record 42 tackles and 8.0 sacks this season. The 263-pound linebacker told Ravens.com that he doesn’t get to eat Taco Bell as much as he’d like these days, but he’s still loyal to the restaurant and will sometimes hit the drive-thru for a postgame meal.

Now that’s all well and good, but what does it mean for the rest of us? I believe I’ve unlocked the key to truly embracing the Body-by-Taco-Bell life in a way that can transform anyone into an NFL linebacker of Judon’s weight.

We first need to identify how many calories an NFL player consumes. A 2006 article in Men’s Fitness says, on average, NFL players aim to consume 5,000 to 10,000 calories a day.

It’s a safe assumption that quarterbacks, defensive backs and special teams players are consuming the low end of this spectrum while linemen are operating on the high end. Linebackers more or less split the middle, so a 7,500 calorie goal is ideal.

It’s a little more tricky than just adding up foods until we hit 7,500. NFL teams ban “empty” calories, which eliminates a lot of foods. We’ve got to make the most of the Taco Bell menu and hit all the necessary nutritional requirements to maintain lean muscle mass.

Keeping the high-calorie count in mind, we have to look at the menu in terms of maximizing protein. The rough estimate for how much protein we need is around 0.9 grams per pound of weight a day. That means for our 263-pound linebacker, we’re trying to hit roughly 238 grams.

The one major obstacle: sodium. The American Heart Association recommends that adults consume less than 2,300 mg of sodium in a day. This assumes a daily intake of 2,000 calories, so scaled up for our NFL body we’re going to be taking in 8,625 mg of sodium. (This is extremely bad and not recommended, but becoming an NFL superstar requires sacrifice.)

Staying below that number is a challenge when building a body by Taco Bell. Take, for instance, the Steak Breakfast Quesadilla. On the surface it would seem like the perfect morning item with 29 grams of protein and only 500 calories, but a horrifying 1,260 mg of sodium would burn out our NFL player before they got started. If we were to build our bodies off Steak Breakfast Quesadillas alone, we would hit our sodium limit while only consuming 3,422 calories, less than half of our allotted 7,500.

This means we need to develop a diverse, protein-rich menu with sodium constraints in mind. However, everyone needs a cheat day — so we will make Friday our catch-all day to fill the gaps and calorie-load where needed.

After cross-referencing every Taco Bell menu item and determining its nutritional value, this is the best five-day menu I could muster.

Obviously this is a dumpster fire. We hit our calorie goals and I’m pleased with the 274 grams of protein, which is above where we want to be — but that sodium number is a mess. We were aiming for 8,625 mg a day and almost doubled it.

There is simply no good way to eat low sodium at Taco Bell, but I have a plan: We’re currently at a protein surplus of about 200 grams on the week. This means we can use our weekend menu to play catch-up. There’s no way we can totally get back within an average of 8,625 mg of sodium, but we can eat low-sodium, low-protein on those final two days and use them to carb-load for game day.

I know this seems like a horror show. It is. Nobody should eat 40 miniature cinnamon rolls in a single day, but here we are. It takes dedication and drive to make it to the NFL — even if that means eating a stupid amount of desserts.

You’re also probably wondering why I put in daily snacks of Mountain Dew Kickstart Orange Citrus. Scurvy. This ensures our player doesn’t wither away like a malnourished pirate.

Weekly calories: 52,480 (52,500 goal)

Weekly protein: 1,774 grams (1,666 goal)

Weekly sodium: 91,175 milligrams (60,375 milligrams goal)

I know I can’t control you, but please don’t try this at home.