‘Twas the week before the NFL season ends

In honor of the holidays, I thought it apropos to open with a classic poem, updated for you, the football-loving reader.

‘Twas football before Christmas and all through the league
Le’Veon Bell wore Steelers colors, as his combat fatigues

Patriots hung stockings by NFL offices with care,
In hopes the commish would ignore a new video affair.

The Browns were nestled all snug in another losing season,
But this year they’re more salty, and Pittsburgh’s the reason.
Jalen Ramsey to Rams, Jaguars with picks,
Settled in for the draft hoping this time it sticks.

When out in Oakland the Raiders arose such a clatter.
It’s Antonio Brown, and the less said the better.
Away to the Meadowlands fans flew like a flash
Eli Manning is back, and still kinda sucked ass.

The moon shined bright as the playoffs drew near
Ryan Tannehill’s comeback was story of the year,
But “what’s that?” children cried, running to windows with glee
“It’s Lamar Jackson!” Absolute lock, runaway MVP.

The young, spritely quarterback so nimble and quick,
Exposing old takes, making sportswriters sick.
They amended their tweets in blind hope to retrieve,
Their two-year-old talk all he could do was receive.

“Now Heisman! Now Maxwell!
Now Walter Camp and Big Season!
On Raven! On Harbaugh!
On touchdowns that defy all reason
To the top of the pile,
To the end of the zone
Even when I’m away this field feels like home!”

He sprang to his sleigh, to give his team a whistle,
Chasing defenders broke ankles as if stepping on thistle
I heard him exclaim as he ran out of sight,

“Happy season to all, the Ravens’ future is bright!”

And with that, let’s go around the league.

Nothing in this world is more enjoyable than a big man touchdown, and Sunday gave us our SIXTH large lad score of the year, this time from Christian Wilkins of the Miami Dolphins.

This was less than 24 hours after the Bills found a way to make Dion Dawkins catch a pass.

Nothing in this world would make me happier than if big men scoring touchdowns become the new craze to sweep the NFL. Remember when everyone installed a wildcat package when the Dolphins ran it so well? It’s kinda like that, but with big dudes.

If we don’t have 20 big man touchdowns like this by December of 2020, I’ll be upset.

This was the most flipping-offingest week of the year.

Vernon Butler got ejected for becoming angry at a player, then punching the wrong one. So yeah, tossing him was understandable. Then he was booed into oblivion by Colts fans and flipped them off because reasons, I guess.

This Browns fan is a Browns fan. Also understandable.

I’m assuming these are some hating-ass Raiders fans invading the Carson stadium, and not some upset Chargers fans bitter over the way the season has gone. Either way, it’s sad, beautiful, and everything in between all at the same time.

I’m sure you can chalk this up to youthful exuberance and a rookie brain fart, but I like to imagine Will Grier saw a quarterback sneak opportunity and was like, “I’ll do it like Cam!” Really, that’s the only justification I have for him going chest-first into the pile like there was ever any hope of him picking up the first.

Grier continued the Carolina quarterbacking tradition of “everyone is terrible but Cam Newton,” once again proving the Panthers need to keep Cam Newton.

We had a veritable smorgasbord of tank-offs in the NFL this week and nobody wanted to lose. The Bengals, Dolphins, Giants and Washington all own picks in the top five of the draft, and found themselves playing each other.

Conventional wisdom says that in this situation, the teams would be trying their darndest to screw it all up and get the highest pick. Instead we got this:

Two games, both 35-35 ties at the end of regulation, all going to overtime. In a perfect world we’d have gotten double ties too — just to punctuate the absurdity of it all. But the Giants and Dolphins decided to win and ruin all the fun.

That said, damn we need to appreciate just how hard Andy Dalton worked to try and get the Bengals a win. I can’t imagine what it’s like for a longtime quarterback to see fans fawning over the No. 1 pick right in front of you. But obviously Dalton decided this meant doing his all to try ensure that doesn’t happen, and who doesn’t love a good revenge story?

The Bengals were down 35-19 with 33 seconds left in the game when Dalton decided to go Super Saiyan, throwing two touchdowns and converting two two-point conversions in less time that it took me to conceive, and type, this sentence.

It was ridiculous, fun, and everything neither the Bengals, nor Dolphins, have been this season. As a result of the loss, the Bengals have now secured the No. 1 pick in the draft.

Only the NFC West could produce a Super Bowl team in 2018 that then doesn’t make the playoffs. It’s also produced two of the best teams in football (49ers and Seahawks), only to have Seattle lose to the lowly Arizona Cardinals while we’re just a week removed from the 49ers losing to the Falcons.

Nothing is easy in the NFC West, and I enjoy watching the division do its best to eat itself like Pizza the Hut each week.

The Bears are going to get dragged for the next 20 years for taking Mitchell Trubisky over Patrick Mahomes, and there is nothing anyone can do about it.