Can this chonky sportswriter compete like an NFL player?

The Super Bowl Experience is a wonderland for NFL fans. Memorabilia, keepsakes, photo ops, and interactive displays abound. It was also a source of my utter embarrassment. After getting flagged down by a member of NFL public relations and forced to sign a waiver, I was allowed to try and compete in drills designed to replicate what it’s like to be an NFL player.

Could this finally settle years of debate on whether sportswriters should talk about things they can’t compete in? Of course not. That discussion is dumb. Just enjoy laughing at me.

This was the one area I thought I might be somewhat-OK at. I haven’t done any kind of kicking since high school rugby, and had never kicked an NFL football off a tee before. However, I tightened the laces on my All-Stars, hiked up my jeans, and got to work from the 10-, 20-, and 30-yard marks.

NFL Comparison: Detroit Lions linebacker Wayne Walker, who had a career kicking percentage of 40.5 percent. Detroit. Lions. Linebacker.

There were three tests involving passing. The first was a 30-second drill scenario where I had to complete a 10-, 15-, and 20-yard pass with three passes at each spot.

The video proves that my short accuracy is trash.

The second required me to hit three stationary targets — which I was quite good at. I hit a couple in fairly quick succession and felt OK with myself.

The third required touch. I was trash at it and failed to hit a single target in three attempts.

NFL Comparison: Poor short accuracy. 60 percent completion against stationary targets, and puts too much arm into touch passes? Shit, I’m Cam Newton.

I am a lumbering galoot who is good at breaking through a line and has about as much grace as a hippo from Fantasia. Also, I hurt my head a little when I awkwardly fell on the mats at the end.

NFL Comparison: Nobody. Nobody deserves this.

I’m not an athlete.