The optimistic fan’s guide to the 2019 NFL offseason

Now that we have given the Evil Empire their sixth Super Bowl championship in the past 20 years, it’s time for the other 31 franchises to start believing that they can one day be lucky enough to win the big game — or, y’know, lose to the New England Patriots in it.

That’s right, fellow NFL fans; it’s time for the offseason.

The offseason can be a bit long, but there’s a lot going on in the few months after the season ends After all, our favorite teams need that time to build a bonafide Super Bowl roster with zero holes or flaws.

Here are the dates to keep in mind as we move through the offseason and have 32 teams worthy and capable of hoisting the Lombardi Trophy next February.

This is the part of the offseason when all the good players that have unresolved contract situations get slapped with the franchise tag, essentially holding them hostage until they sign a deal. This has never, ever backfired on a team and the players always end up happy — it’s a crucial part to team building.

Could you imagine a team putting the franchise tag on, I don’t know, the best running back in the league and then he ends up sitting out the entire season and they have a late-season collapse where they definitely could’ve used said player to make the playoffs?

Not in this league, Bubba. Your team is smarter than that and all 53 players on your squad are happy with their financial futures.

A few players who are up for one-year paydays this offseason are Jadeveon Clowney, Dee Ford, Demarcus Lawrence, and Nick Foles. If Foles gets the franchise tag, he’ll be traded away for a draft pick since the Eagles already have Carson Wentz at quarterback. That draft pick will undoubtedly be a Hall of Fame player.

The NFL Scouting Combine is wonderful. Draft prospects arrive in Indianapolis, get waken up at ungodly times of the night to take drug tests, have interviews with teams where they’re asked insane questions by millionaires, and go through workouts in tights on national television.

Here’s the kicker with the combine: you can twist the results anyway you want to make the player your team drafts look better.

Your team just drafted a receiver with a 40-yard dash time that offensive linemen would be ashamed of? That’s no problem — athletic tests are irrelevant, look at the tape!

Your team drafts a defensive end who had one sack in college, but ran a 4.47 40-yard dash and had a 50-inch vertical? Again, no problem — your team is definitely the right place for him to become the next Von Miller.

Or you can find someone like Anquan Boldin or Orlando Brown who don’t really check any of the boxes at the combine, but still turn out to be valuable starters — trust me, these are extremely common situations.

This is the deadline for teams to use the franchise tag. If your team doesn’t give out a tag to a player, don’t worry. All that means is that they didn’t really have any player of value to apply it to and they’re absolutely going to nail free agency and the draft.

March 11 is the first time teams are allowed to reach out to free agents and begin negotiating contracts.

Teams and the players have, allegedly, never had any discussion with each other at this point in the offseason. They definitely don’t know who they’re going to be interested in by the time the combine comes up when every single executive and every single agent on the planet are within a two mile radius of one another.

This is a league of integrity. A league where no one tries to jump the gun on making their team better. When a report leaks that your favorite team is about to offer a contract to a free agent, just know that this is the first time they’ve ever talked about this possibly happening.

At 4 p.m. March 13, the new league year starts. This is when all the bad contracts that your team signed expire and trades become official — they surely won’t sign any ridiculous contracts this time around.

The annual league meeting is when the NFL gets together to talk about rules changes for the upcoming season — Saints fans, this is for you.

We’ll likely get a few rule changes that surely won’t favor the offense or slow down the pace of the game with more penalties. Remember, last year we were given a new, updated version of the catch rule that was only slightly less confusing than what was previously in place.

If you’re a fan of a team with a new head coach, this is where they will start leading your club to glory. Sure, they might be a retread coach with countless failures in the past, but this time he’s going to get the job done.

If any bad reports come out from the first day of offseason workouts, just chalk them up to being April Fools’ jokes. Fans of the Bengals, Cardinals, Dolphins, Packers, Jets, Broncos, Browns, and Buccaneers have a lot to look forward to. Your team is building a Super Bowl contender.

Last year didn’t workout for your team? Don’t worry — this year will be different, and it all starts with offseason workouts.

The king of them all. The NFL Draft. No matter what happens, you should be happy with who your team selects — because you don’t really have a choice but to be happy!

Believe me, I know how badly it hurts to have your team not draft the player that you want. Just look at how nonsensical I was just a year ago.

This was about a week before the 2018 NFL Draft.

Then, after the draft when I realized the gravity of my former errors.

Calvin Ridley was exactly what the Falcons needed — they finished just nine losses away from a perfect 16-0 record and a shot at being one of the greatest teams of all time.

Your team is guaranteed to draft a future Hall of Fame player with each pick and that’s what makes the draft fun. Your favorite team drafts all the good players and other teams in your division draft all the bad players.

That’s how this works.

Immediately after the draft, teams will begin signing players who slipped through the cracks and didn’t get selected during the event. Your team is guaranteed to find some gems here. That’s how you build the depth for your future championship-caliber roster.

After the draft and post-draft signing period, things cool off for a bit — it’s the one time the NFL offseason is actually the offseason. Rookie minicamp, organized team activities, maybe a couple arrests (but not on your team!), and some down time in the summer before the preseason begins on Aug. 1.

There you have it! Your team is ready for training camp. More importantly, they’re ready to go 16-0 in an attempt to win the Super Bowl and dethrone the New England Patriots.

Happy offseason!