Super Bowl LIV is one of the most exciting Super Bowl matchups in recent memory. There’s a lot of star power with both the Chiefs and 49ers, and a lot of great names. There’s also a lot of not-so-great names. We need proper analysis of these because that’s what we do during Super Bowl week — overanalyze everything.
The names of players on Super Bowl 54 rosters, ranked
You’re probably asking yourself “why?” When the real question is “why not?”
I would like to beat you to the comment section by answering your own question: “HoW cOuLd YoU raNk NamEs wItH a NAme LiKe HarRy LylEs jR.?” Because I can, and I know my name ain’t the most intriguing.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, the rankings:
T-54. YOU HAVE A NAME
Chris Jones — DT, Chiefs
Eric Fisher — LT, Chiefs
Fred Warner — LB, 49ers
Michael Person — RG, 49ers
George Kittle — TE, 49ers
Nick Bosa — DE, 49ers
Daniel Sorensen — FS, Chiefs
Mitchell Schwartz — RT, Chiefs
Joe Staley — LT, 49ers
Andrew Wylie — LG, Chiefs
Austin Reiter — C, Chiefs
T-50. YOU HAVE A NAME, BUT WITH A DASH OF SALT ON IT
Jimmy Garoppolo — QB, 49ers
Mike McGlinchey — RT, 49ers
Mitch Wishnowsky — P, 49ers
Daniel Brunskill — OL, 49ers
T-48. WILLIAMS
K’Waun Williams — S, 49ers
Damien Williams — RB, Chiefs
47. SOUNDS EXPENSIVE
Weston Richburg — C, 49ers
T-42. THE TWO FIRST NAMES
Richard Sherman — CB, 49ers
Frank Clark — DE, Chiefs
Richie James — KR/PR, 49ers
Anthony Sherman — FB, Chiefs
Travis Kelce — TE, Chiefs (Kelsey. I can do this because it’s my blog.)
41. YOUR NAME HAS A VERB
Kendrick Bourne — WR, 49ers
40. YOUR NAME HAS AN ADJECTIVE
Kendall Fuller — CB, Chiefs
39. YOUR NAME HAS A PRECIOUS SUBSTANCE, IT’S JUST SPELLED WRONG
Robbie Gould — K, 49ers
T-36. EMMANUEL
Emmanuel Moseley — CB, 49ers
Emmanuel Sanders — WR, 49ers
Emmanuel Ogbah — DE, Chiefs
T-21. SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING
Laken Tomlinson — LG, 49ers
Demarcus Robinson — WR, Chiefs
Damien Wilson — LB, Chiefs
Jimmie Ward — FS, 49ers
Matt Breida — RB, 49ers
Tevin Coleman — RB, 49ers
Justin Skule — OL, 49ers
Marcell Harris — S, 49ers
Ahkello Witherspoon — DB, 49ers
Patrick Mahomes — QB, Chiefs
Sammy Watkins — WR, Chiefs
Derrick Nnadi — DT, Chiefs
Anthony Hitchens — LB, Chiefs
Dustin Colquitt — P, Chiefs
Cameron Erving — OT, Chiefs
THE NAMES WE CAN ACTUALLY RANK
20. Alex Okafor — DE, Chiefs
19. Terrell Suggs — LB/DE, Chiefs
18. LeSean McCoy — RB, Chiefs
17. Dre Greenlaw — LB, 49ers
16. Kyle Juszczyk — FB, 49ers
15. Tyreek Hill — WR, Chiefs
14. Charvarius Ward — CB, Chiefs
13. Harrison Butker — K, Chiefs
12. Raheem Mostert — RB, 49ers
11. Arik Armstead — DE, 49ers
10. Kwon Alexander — LB, 49ers
9. DeForest Buckner — DT, 49ers
8. Tanoh Kpassagnon — DE, Chiefs
7. Bashaud Breeland — CB, Chiefs
6. Mecole Hardman — KR/PR, Chiefs
5. Jaquiski Tartt — SS, 49ers
4. Dee Ford — DE, 49ers
3. Deebo Samuel — WR, 49ers
2. Tyrann Mathieu — SS, Chiefs
1. Dr. Laurent Duvernay-Tardif M.D. — RG, Chiefs
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