I transcribed Jim Irsay’s blurry potato video so you don’t need to watch it 15 times

Hours after being released I’m still not entirely convinced this isn’t a ransom video from Jim Irsay, or at best some weird AI deepfake.

In it, you can see Irsay, standing a good six feet from the camera, on a loud jet — all while filmed on a potato with the camera from a 2005 Motorola Razr attached. I’d ask him to blink twice if he was being held against his will, but the polarized lenses make it impossible.

Transcription isn’t my favorite thing, but it’s a necessary job requirement. Over the years I’ve gotten quite good at taking video and turning it into readable text quickly, but I’ll be damned if this one didn’t break me. After dozens of pauses and playbacks, here it goes.

“Alright. Leaving Las Vegas. Heading to Palm Beach for some NFL committee meetings... but wow, what a weekend we had. The concert was unbelievable. The time shift move (?) was very difficult, but we got off to a noon start thanks to Mark Davis and Criss Angel for trying to help with alternative venues, but we got it in and what a show it was Billy F. Gibbons, Vince Gill, Stephen Stills, Kevin Cronin and REO Speedwagon, the whole thing was incredible. So, we had a great time in Vegas ... firing off the ground (?) and just looking forward to 2023, and where the next show is ... no one knows!”

Okay, so Irsay was talking about his “Jim Irsay Concert Experience,” which is what would happen if you dad channeled his all his midlife crises into a traveling show. It’s Irsay playing music with rock stars he loves and showing off his memorabilia.

To his credit the concert is free. Maybe putting on an event like this is why Irsay doesn’t have a better camera than one he dredged up from a lake bed.