I watched both Taylor Swift x Travis Kelce Christmas movies so you wouldn’t need to

This year we’ve been blessed (or cursed) with two competing Christmas movies that are essentially based on Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s relationship. Lifetime’s Christmas in the Spotlight and Hallmark’s Holiday Touchdown: A Chiefs’ Love Story.

I decided there was no better way to waste three hours of valuable pre-holiday time by watching these movies back-to-back and telling you if both, or either are worth your time.

We open with “Bowyn Sykes,” the Taylor Swift equivalent in this movie working on a new Christmas album, which is also about her failed relationships. Sadly she’s just suffered a horrible breakup, which her manager “Mira Vu” decides to talk to her about in this heart-wrenching exchange

Mira: “You don’t worry that he’s jingling his bells all around town?”
Bowyn: “I don’t care. He can deck his halls with any prancer, dancer, or vixen he wants.”

We then meet the Travis equivalent, Drew “Gonzo” Gonville. He’s a wide receiver for a fictitious team where his brother in the star quarterback. To get a sense of how dirty they did Jason Kelce in this movie: He’s a photo of them next to each other.

Gonzo is worried his numbers and lagging and that he won’t have his contract renewed. For now he’s forgetting all about that to attend his niece’s birthday party where he gifts her tickets to the Bowyn concert to go with him.

I’ll spare you their little meet cute and how they both get interested in each other — frankly, because I don’t want to relive it. I do need to point out that Bowyn fans are referred to as “Arrowheads” because her name is “BOWyn,” get it? It’s very clever.

Bowyn’s manager is stunned to learn that her friend met Gonzo, who she refers to as “the best wide receiver in the world,” who is a “nine-time MVP” and has the “longest record for yards received,” whatever that is.

So hold up. Gonzo is a NINE-TIME MVP, which would make him the greatest player in the history of football and it’s not even close — yet he’s worried about being cut because he has bad numbers for one season?

Bowyn decides to go on a date with him because it might mean she gets to be in the Super Bowl halftime show.

So they start dating, and magically Gonzo is playing “the best football of his career,” which is wild for someone to say, who once again, is a NINE-TIME MVP.

Gonzo gets a contract offer from another team, planning to accept it. His QB brother blows up, blaming it on Bowyn. Gonzo says “I’m glad someone else sees my worth,” which again, is wild considering HE’S A NINE-TIME MVP.

They resolve their conflict in 15 minutes of screen time. Bowyn performs at a cancer benefit and the movie ends with them kissing on Christmas while a little girl yells “TOUCHDOWN!”

This movie is barely a movie. Made by Hallmark AND the NFL in concert, it’s basically a 90 minute ad for football and the Chiefs. This version evokes the Taylor and Travis relationship without being too on the nose.

In this one Alana Higman and her family own the most quaint Chiefs memorabilia store in Kansas City. They are trying to become the “fans of the year,” which is apparently a contest and it’s here that Derrick Taylor comes in. He’s the Chiefs “Director of Fan Engagement,” which all the old people assume means that Alana is getting engaged. It’s all very “funny.”

They have their meet cute. Start spending more time together, and Alana gets invited to the Chiefs’ Christmas Party — which she is super hyped about. There she meets actual Chiefs’ guar Trey Smith, who apparently knows who Alana is because he family has a “lucky Chiefs hat,” which means the team wins on Christmas if it’s worn in the stadium.

Trent Green is in the movie too, which is mostly so I can post this screenshot without any context.

The family loses the magic Christmas hat, which Alana assumes means the family business will close and everyone will hate them. This movie is really designed around the idea that Kansas City is such a small town that everyone would know about this one memorabilia shop and actively seek to shut it down over a magic hat.

The true magic wasn’t the hat, it was family. The Higmans win “fans of the year,” Alana and Derrick kiss at midfield before the big Christmas game — and Andy Reid wants them to piss off.

Then at the last second the world’s creepiest man dressed as Santa gives Alana the magic Christmas hat.

Grandpa cries and realizes it’s the Chiefs hat Santa gave to him as a kid. The end.

Neither.