Ranking the NHL’s best first-round playoff series according to science

Hello.

We just emerged from our SB Nation laboratories where we’ve been hard at work ranking every single first-round series of the 2017 Stanley Cup playoffs. We spent four years at college earning a degree in Science Things™ just so we could bring you this exclusive internet sports content.

You’re welcome. We look forward to you paying off our student loans.

In the meantime, here is the fruit of our labor. First, a recap: Check out the full NHL playoffs bracket right here!

And that thing.

So, onto our rankings. Remember, our methods are highly scientific and immune to all criticism.

Hatred factor: Do these teams really hate each other? I don’t get the sense that they do yet. But Milan Lucic is involved here, so they’ll be at each other’s throats by the second period. 6 out of 10.

Star factor: Off the charts. Connor McDavid. Joe Pavelski. Joe Thornton. Logan Couture. Connor McDavid. Jordan Eberle. Connor McDavid. Wayne McDavid. Connor McGretzky. 10 out of 10.

Freshness factor: It’s the first go-around for Playoff McDavid and the last go-around for Joe Thornton and the first playoff series for the Oilers in a decade. 8 out of 10.

Beard factor: C’mon.

15 out of 10.

Anticipation factor: Did I mention Connor McDavid yet? In all seriousness, everyone wins no matter who comes out on top in this series. You want to see Joe Thornton make another run at a Cup. And you want to see McDavid and his pals run riot. We’re just not looking forward to staying up until 2 a.m. to watch this stuff. 7 out of 10.

Hatred Factor: Just go back and watch the game between them a week ago for your answer.

10 out of 10.

Star factor: Hobbled by East Coast Bias, honestly. Ryan Getzlaf’s stardom is fading, and good luck getting casual fans to name anyone on the Flames outside of Johnny Gaudreau. 4 out of 10.

Freshness factor: The matchup itself isn’t fresh, but the faces are. Calgary’s youngsters (hello, Matthew Tkachuk) get their first playoff action. And Brian Elliott and John Gibson are new to this series, too. 6 out of 10.

Beard factor:

12 out of 10.

Anticipation factor: Way more enthused about this than we were before that brawl fest last week. The Cam Fowler injury adds weight to this series, and the Flames will be a tougher out than they were years ago. 8 out of 10.

Final rating: 8

Hatred Factor: Don’t think this exists yet. The Maple Leafs are too young and too new to engender much animosity from the Capitals so far. But just wait for Matt Martin and Tom Wilson to meet. 5 out of 10.

Star factor: This is why you’ll tune in. Auston Matthews vs. Alex Ovechkin in a generational elite goal-scorer duel. Kevin Shattenkirk. Mitch Marner. Nicklas Backstrom. Braden Holtby. And two of the NHL’s most popular and best coaches in Barry Trotz and Mike Babcock. 10 out of 10.

Freshness factor: The average age of the Leafs is 9 years old. Not many people know that. 9 out of 10.

Beard factor: Can the Leafs even grow facial hair yet? 3 out of 10.

Anticipation factor: Higher than any other series, if we’re being honest. The star power alone guarantees some sensational moments. And though Leafs fans are dreading facing the Capitals, are we sure Washington wants to face the nothing-to-lose, youthful Maple Leafs? 10 out of 10.

Final rating: 7.6

Hatred Factor:

8 out of 10.

Star factor: The Penguins are a star factory, but witness the birth of Cam Atkinson as a playoff superstar here. 7 out of 10.

Freshness factor: The Blue Jackets are in the playoffs and not a complete underdog against the defending champion Penguins. 9 out of 10.

Beard factor: Sidney Crosby is known for excellent hockeying and bad facial hair. Nobody knows if the Blue Jackets can grow good playoff beards; none have been witnessed in the playoffs wild. 4 out of 10.

Anticipation factor: Look, I know the Penguins are old hat. But there’s enough wrinkles with their recent injuries that they’re more of an unknown than ever. And the Blue Jackets are legitimately good. This could be a fun series. 8 out of 10.

Hatred Factor: The second-most heated Central rivalry, I think. Plus there’s the added narrative of Mike Yeo facing the Wild, who fired him before their first round series loss last summer. 7 out of 10.

Star factor: Pretty good! Eric Staal adds some extra flavor, and Zach Parise is a known commodity. And most fans are familiar with Vladimir Tarasenko. 7 out of 10.

Freshness factor: On paper, nah. We’ve seen these clubs before. But the script is flipped! The Wild are clearly the better team and the Blues are the ones with a more uncertain future. And new coaches for both clubs. 8 out of 10.

Beard factor: Does Eric Staal remember how to grow a playoff beard? Can the Blues rebound from losing the beards of Brouwer and Backes? So many questions. Not enough answers. 6 out of 10.

Anticipation factor: Sure. 6 out of 10.

Final rating: 6.8

Hatred Factor: Original Six, man. These guys have hated each other since the dawn of time itself. All of them are like 100 years old and remember those early hockey days. 5 out of 10.

Star factor: Ehh. Max Pacioretty and Alex Radulov are good ... but stars? And none of the Rangers are really star-power guys, either. Henrik Lundqvist and Shea Weber can only do so much, here. 4 out of 10.

Freshness factor: Both usually make the playoffs. Both have been around since the dawn of time itself, man. I read that on the internet. 4 out of 10.

Beard factor: Look at Henrik Lundqvist. Just look at him.

10 out of 10.

Anticipation factor: As low as I’ve scored this so far, I’m actually ready for this series because it’s hard to pick a favorite. Both are equally “pretty good” with obvious strengths in net and speed for days. Don’t be surprised if you love this series more than any other. 10 out of 10.

Hatred factor: Division rivals, yes, but nowhere near the animosity of a Habs-Bruins or Sens-Leafs series. At least this happened a month ago.

6 out of 10.

Star factor: Brad Marchand will be back from his suspension in time to do mean things to people. And Erik Karlsson. swoon. 7 out of 10.

Freshness factor: The Bruins haven’t made the playoffs in three seasons. Nice to have you back! And we’re not accustomed to regular Senators playoff appearances, either. 8 out of 10.

Beard factor:

Threatening. Grizzled. 6 out of 10.

Anticipation Factor: I don’t know. It’s fun to think about the Bruins in the playoffs again, but this isn’t the most high-octane matchup to return with. It could be a clean sweep, or it could be a seven-game series. Both might be more boring than you’d expect. 5 out of 10.

Hatred Factor: Comes built-in with division familiarity, but ... when you think of Central Division rivalry you don’t think of the Predators and Blackhawks. That’s what playoff series are for, though. And the United Center and Bridgestone Arena are known for how raucous their crowds can get. The tensions could ramp up quickly. 7 out of 10.

Star factor: Patrick Kane. Jonathan Toews. P.K. Subban. Other Blackhawks. NBC spokesmen. Also known as more Blackhawks. 9 out of 10.

Freshness factor: The Blackhawks are nothing new and neither is this matchup; the Preds and Hawks played in the first round in 2015, too. 5 out of 10.

Beard factor: None of it matters because Patrick Kane will grow another ugly mullet. 0 out of 10.

Anticipation factor: The energy in each building alone should be fun, and the Predators are good enough to hope for a seven-game series, if not an upset. 8 out of 10.