I want to fight Godzilla, the King of Monsters. I’ll be upfront about it: I wouldn’t win. I know this. I’m comfortable with that fact. He has the size advantage, he has more experience fighting, I’m a coward, blah blah blah. I still just want to fight that large, green kaiju. And when I fight him, I want to go in knowing I have prepared myself appropriately despite the inevitable conclusion.
I want to fight Godzilla
But...how?
Now, you might be asking, “why?” Well, so am I. I honestly don’t know why I want to fight Godzilla.
I’ve had this urge since making a very dumb goof on Twitter. With all the talk around the trailer for Godzilla vs. Kong, I think it would simply be funny to see something so large, so accustomed to fighting comparable monstrosities, fight just a dude. And since I wouldn’t want to volunteer someone else for this dumb task, I nominated myself.
Regardless of everything my brain shouts regarding my stupidity or impending doom or whether it would help those cleaning up my remains if I wore a diaper into battle, I need to focus on one basic question: how could I beat Godzilla? Sure, it seems like a fool’s errand, and I may not believe in myself, but there are a lot of people counting on me. Some of them even think I can do it:
So, let’s figure this out. Despite all the tape available on my opponent, I must admit that I’ve never watched one of his films or TV shows. I hear he does great work, but I only just watched Fleabag so am admittedly behind on media consumption. To save preparation time, I’ve deemed it a misstep to study his past battles anyway. I’m no large gorilla, nor am I big moth. I need to learn from things I can relate to.
The first idea that comes to mind is using the same technique that the Rebels used against the AT-ATs on Hoth. Without the aid of any sort of vehicle, would it be possible to attach a very strong cable to one of Godzilla’s feet and wrap it around him? Possibly. But tracking down a suitable cable and sorting out how to ship it to the battlefield sounds like a drag. Plus, if I defeat Godzilla I’d prefer using some original thinking so I get the credit and critics don’t say, “well he just did the Star Wars thing.”
If given a few days could I introduce Godzilla to free-market capitalism, then let the system beat him into submission over time? Possibly. My concern here is that in addition to the suffering he would bring my body (pretty bad), I would have given him the tools to financially destroy me as well (far worse). Exploiting the system would likely be easy for Godzilla. While we often focus on his physical size, we don’t think about how big body means big brain too, and if I’ve learned one thing from truck commercials it’s that bigger is always better. If I’ve learned two things from truck commercials it’s that I’m fucking up by not owning the brand new 2021 Ford Super Duty F-250.
But this has my modest-sized brain thinking, and it’s throwing a lot of spaghetti at the wall.
- Does Godzilla have a gluten allergy and I could throw spaghetti at him instead of the wall?
- Could I let him swallow me, then expand in the way that too much spaghetti expands inside me and makes me want to die?
- Is it possible that there are non-spaghetti solutions?
That last question has left me hungry and reminded me that I can lean on you. While I am your champion in our fight against Godzilla (it’s all of our fight now), how would you go about it? I need to save all of humanity, so I might as well hear your advice. Tell me, let’s workshop some ideas and see where we can go from here.
For now, I carbo-load.
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