The Portland Timbers Mascot Has A Huge, Awesome Chainsaw

Mascots should by definition be capable of killing things. (The best ones all can, even the Phillie Phanatic, who uses his long tongue to garrote his victims.) Enter the Portland Timbers’ human mascot, Joey, who carries with him an enormous chainsaw, a hot-saw powered by goals, gasoline, rage, and the screaming fervor of Portland Timbers fans.

When the Timbers score a goal the large, bearded lumberjack fires up the saw, takes its full 23 foot length*, and then brings it down howling onto a log draped with Timbers scarves placed in front of the home stands. Joey slices through the wood like butter, and then tosses the chip into the stands. Everyone then fights for the wood, known as “the cookie” by fans both because it resembles a cookie, and because in their frenzy Portland fans have been known to eat it one delicious splintery bite at a time.**

You may believe Portland to be the land where “young people go to retire,” as the series Portlandia declares about the Rose City. You must also acknowledge that it contains people who cult-worship a maniac with a chainsaw, and who would probably punch you if you put a bird on something and called it art, or would rather cut it in half with a mile-long chainsaw to prove a point. (Remember: chainsaw solos are kind of still 90s-ish, though.)

In his spare time, Joey bareback bronco rides and plays rugby. He also is the father of your children.

*Estimate made after viewing last night. May have had a few drinks. May have affected accurate size.

**Also may have imagined this, but it could totally happen.

(Image via 30fps.)